was in line at the government office where applications for health-insurance cards are processed, and the young man ahead of me had just had his picture taken for his photo ID. "Do you want me to take another photo?" the clerk asked him. "This one’s not very good. You’re not smiling, you look tired and your eyes are half shut." "No, that’s okay," the fellow replied. "That’s probably how I’ll look when I have to use the card." --Louise Donnelly, Mississauga (from Life's Like That, 2001)
The autumn I was eight months pregnant with our first child, we moved into a new community. Soon after our arrival, a lady came to the door one day collecting for charity as well as looking for more canvassers. I told her to ask me again next year. A year later the woman returned, but again I was eight months pregnant. With a chuckle, she promised to try another time. Somehow I missed her the following autumn, and she came instead in February, canvassing for another charity and hoping to get more volunteers. She looked at my bulging form in disbelief and exclaimed, "Every time I come here, you’re pregnant!’ "I know," I agreed, laughing. "Please don’t come again." --Joanna Braun, Listowel, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
Higgins, our dog, was sick throughout the weekend, so first thing Monday my wife, Hildy, took him to the vet. The doctor prescribed antibiotics and suggested Higgins be given just small amounts of food. Soon after, Hildy called me at the office before she left for work to explain when to give the antibiotics and what to feed him. "I’m cooking rice and hamburger meat for the dog now," she told me. "How nice," I said. "What about me?" "Don’t worry," she replied, "you can have some, too." --Pat Battista, Cambridge, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
Every year my wife suffers from "gardenitis," and from early spring to late fall, I spend hours helping move plants and shrubs from point A to B to C, and back again. One afternoon, after days of hauling and replanting, she announced she was off to pick up a couple of steaks. Finally, I mused, a show of appreciation for all my efforts. Happily I fired up the barbecue. "I’m home," she called out upon her return. "This will only take a few minutes if you give me a hand." I reached out -- and she handed me two large garden stakes. --Lionel G. Aiken, Cobble Hill, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
"I don’t know how you can sleep in this mess!" I exclaimed to my teenage son when I went into his room. "Easy, Mom," he replied, "I just close my eyes." 1
--Muriel Smith, Calgary (from Life's Like That, 2001)
After many attempts to co-ordinate our busy schedules, my husband and I finally managed to find a convenient date for a two-day getaway. Unfortunately, it ended up falling in the middle of a two-week vacation my sister and her family had decided to spend with us. After discussing the matter, we all agreed our being away a couple of days during their visit would do everyone good. When the time came, my husband and I registered at a nearby motel. The clerk asked us if we were on company business, and pretending to be exasperated, I replied: "Yes! We’re here because we have too much company at home!" He gave us the "company" discount. --Debbie Arthur, Mirror, Alta. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
My mother, who did not have a driver’s licence, was a passenger-seat driver and would always "brake" in tandem with my father. One afternoon while we were out driving, Dad slammed on the brakes in the middle of the road, when there were no other cars to be seen. He immediately turned to Mom and demanded, "Why did you do that?" She replied that she was merely stretching her leg. "Don’t do that again!" he fumed. "I thought you’d seen something I missed!" --Kathryn Jackson, Brampton, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
Hansi, our parakeet, quickly became a valued and affectionate member of the family. I thought it would be great if he could say his name, so I repeated time and again, "Hansi," as he perched on my shoulder or finger. But as the weeks passed by, I became exceedingly frustrated when my "What’s your name?" remained unanswered. Then, one evening as I was sitting at my desk, our feathered friend perched opposite me, spread his wings and demanded, "What’s your name, dammit?" --Hans Schieffer, Burnaby, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
Our new puppy sleeps between my husband and me at night. One morning I mentioned to my husband that I noticed he wasn’t snoring anymore. "Of course not," he replied. "Every time I start to snore, the dog bites me on the nose!" --Arlene Parkin, Lakefield, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
Armed with a songbook of TV and movie tunes, I set out to teach myself to play the acoustic guitar. A few months passed, and I was quite pleased with my progress -- until the day my wife walked into the room while I was practising. With a puzzled look on her face, she asked me the name of the song I was playing. Surprised that she didn’t recognize it, I replied, "‘Mission: Impossible.’" 2
"I’m beginning to realize that," she said, "but what’s the name of the song?" --Steve Lonneberg, Mill Bay, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
After graduating from university, my daughter joined a temp agency to gain more office experience. She was sent to different jobs every few days or weeks. Early one morning she called me from work. For some reason, her hand was swollen and her fingers were numb. "What should I do?" she cried. "Tara," I said, "where are you working today?" "Oh, right!" she said with a gasp, and hung up. She was working at a hospital. --Rosemarie Ings, Scarborough (from Life's Like That, 2001)
My parents were on their way to meet my aunt and uncle to celebrate their mutual 32nd anniversaries. They were late, and Dad was speeding, trying to make up the time. Inevitably they were pulled over by the RCMP, and Mom suggested Dad tell the officer why they were speeding. Dad said no cop would be interested, but undeterred, Mom regaled the officer with the story. Stone-faced, the officer continued writing out the ticket, then handed it to Dad and left. They glanced at it and saw it was only a warning, on the back of which was written: "Happy Anniversary. Have a safe trip." --Kim Weiler, Westbank, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
Knowing I was going to be delayed after work, I prepared a chicken dish for my family’s dinner and put it in the fridge. As I turned to leave, I asked my son if he’d put it in the oven when he got home. "Sure," he replied. "Put it on at 350," I said. "But Mom," he objected, "I don’t get home until 4:10." --Sandi Prentice, Haliburton, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
My husband parked the car on the car deck of the ferry we were taking from Victoria to Vancouver, and we headed upstairs to have a bite to eat. Later, when we returned to our car, we found a note tucked under the wiper: "Where did you think the thief was going to go?" From habit, Jason had put "the club" on the steering wheel. --Dawn Sheppard, Victoria (from Life's Like That, 2001)
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One day as my husband and I were driving to the grocery store, I asked him why, in the 25 years we had been married, he had never given me flowers. He apologized and promised he’d make it up to me. At the store, we took a cart and started walking up the aisles. We came across a section full of tissuewrapped flowers. "Do you like them?" Jim asked. When I said I did, he proceeded to fill the empty cart to overflowing. "There," he smiled. "Do you think there’s 25 years’ worth here?" --Judy Gaylord, Brockville, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
I’ve reached an age when I tend to repeat favourite family anecdotes, unaware that I’ve told them before. Once, I was fondly recalling an incident when it occurred to me that this might be one of those times. "You know your father’s getting old," I apologized, "when he repeats a story he’s told you before." Gallantly, my son replied, "You know your son’s getting old, Dad, when he doesn’t remember that he’s already heard it." --Fred Edge, Victoria (from Life's Like That, 2001)
During a church social activity, I had to say a few words about myself. I mentioned that I was born in Quebec, that the first Côté had immigrated in 1635 and that I was a tenth-generation Canadian. "I doubt anybody in this room can beat that," I boasted. "I can!" came a voice from the back. Everyone turned around. It was my daughter. --Alain Côté, Toronto (from Life's Like That, 2001)
A friend and I were a few minutes late for the movies, so after we found our seats Dave went to get us some snacks. It was completely dark in the theatre when Dave returned and he had some difficulty finding our row. He finally sat down and whispered, "Did I miss anything?" "Yes," a male voice answered. "Your row!" --K. Pelletier, West Vancouver (from Life's Like That, 2001)
To clean out their central vacuum canister, my father decided to use the shop vacuum. He completed the job, but unfortunately, the shop vacuum tipped over, spilling months worth of dust and dirt all over the floor. My father started to clean it up, but my brother dropped in and offered to do it. Dad returned later to find my brother had done a great job cleaning up -- using the central vacuum system. --Peggy Mullin, Riverview, N.B. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
During their garage sale, my friend’s family spent a busy day making sales and negotiating with customers. Grant’s ten-year-old brother, Andrew, was as busy as anyone. At the end of the day, everyone was discussing 4
what to do with their hard-won cash. "I’m going to buy a $100 wheelbarrow," Grant’s father said, "to replace the one I bought last week -- the one Andrew sold for five dollars." --Craig Folk, Sturgis, Sask. (from Life's Like That, 2001) After graduation, my boyfriend and I decided to take a year off and move to Australia. After eight months of backpacking and fruit picking there, I was exhausted and ready to go home. Matt, however, was having the time of his life and planned to stay for another five months. A few weeks after I returned to Canada, Matt’s mother phoned to tell me he was coming home. He was out of money, starving, tired and had no socks or underwear. "What on earth happened?" I asked. "You left," she replied. --Carrie Regan, Kelowna, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
Three couples were sitting around our dining-room table one evening playing Trivial Pursuit. We were in two teams -- guys against gals. The fellows were sure they had us when my husband read the next question for us women: "What beer made Milwaukee famous?" After a painful silence, one of my teammates excitedly proclaimed: "I know! I know!" Then she turned her mug towards us. On it was written: "Schlitz. The beer that made Milwaukee famous." --Tracey Knowles, Kamloops, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
Because my daughter and I worked different shifts, I didn’t often get to see my grandchildren. I realized just how seldom when my six-year-old granddaughter said at the dinner table one Sunday: "Grandma, this supper is delicious! We must have you over more often." She immediately clapped her hands over her mouth when she realized -- we all lived in the same house. --June Karlenzig, Winnipeg (from Life's Like That, 2001)
When she realized one of her kittens was missing, my friend Toba optimistically posted a few notices around town. Within a week, Toba received a call from a lady with a kitten that matched the description. "You’d better hurry, though," she advised. "My son is getting pretty attached to it." Wanting to ease the boy’s unhappiness at returning the kitten, Toba picked up some fast-food coupons on the way to his house, as well as some cookies and balloons for him -- and discovered when she got there that the son was 35 years old. --Darlene Horn, Edmonton (from Life's Like That, 2001)
One evening when I was searching for a job, my 15-year-old daughter suddenly exclaimed: "Mom! Come here. There’s a job in the paper you can apply for." 5
"Read it out to me," I answered. "Housekeeper required. Includes laundry, vacuuming and other household duties." Then I heard her sigh. "Oh, never mind," she said. "Why?" I asked. "It says experience required." --Jeanette Babin, Thunder Bay (from Life's Like That, 2001)
My cousin, who lives in a small town, sometimes ventures into the big city to buy her groceries. On a recent trip, she had some trouble getting a shopping cart and had to get an employee to help her remove one from the stalls where they are kept. Shopping completed, she went outside, concerned about how to retrieve the 25 cents she had deposited for the use of the cart. With difficulty, she managed to shove the cart into a stall, plug the chain into the lock and get her quarter back, only to realize her groceries were now trapped inside. --Sheila Williams, Trenton, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
My cousin took my 80-year-old aunt to find out about hearing aids. The clerk told Aunt Jean the hearing aid would cost $900. She thought about it for a moment then said she didn’t want one. Explaining her decision, she said, "In all my years, I’ve never heard a conversation that was worth $900." --Marilyn Boccioletti, Thorold, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
When my wife and I bought a new tent trailer, we had no idea how difficult it would be to erect. We struggled with a confusing array of support poles, sliding beds and a door that refused to line up straight. Finally, our neighbours came over to help, and together we manhandled, lifted, pushed and tugged the pieces into place. After more than an hour, the trailer was up. Exploring the interior, we opened a cabinet and found a videocassette -- showing step-by-step how to erect our tent trailer in less than ten minutes. --Rev. Richard White, Little Current, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
My husband arrived at a walk-in medical clinic promptly at opening time to find two other men waiting outside. The door was still locked. Richard knew one of the men and they started chatting. About five minutes later the receptionist came running across the parking lot, apologizing for being late. Richard turned to his friend and asked, "Are you first in line to see the doctor?" "Yes," he replied. "Well, I guess I’m third then," Richard said. "No," the second man said, "you’re second. I’m the doctor." --Sharon Sewell, Langley, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
6
A few months after my son, Ashley, became the proud owner of a used pickup truck, I noticed the engine idle was a bit slow and uneven. Because Ashley has no mechanical aptitude, I went with him to the car dealership and, on the way, ran through some of the questions he might be asked. Upon our arrival, the first question the mechanic asked was, "Is the truck missing?" "No," Ashley replied, "it’s parked right out front." --Lawrence Woytowich, Victoria (from Life's Like That, 2001)
My friend Rick was attempting to start his small bulldozer. When the battery wore down after several tries, he brought his car up to give it a boost. But then his car ran out of gas. So his wife drove in to town, a couple of kilometres away, to get some more. After about an hour, she finally showed up carrying a 20-litre can of gas. When Rick asked where her car was, she said she’d run out of gas on her way back and had had to walk home. Rick looked at her in amazement. "Why didn’t you use the gas you were carrying?" "I didn’t think of it," she replied sheepishly. --James Mucha, Salmon Arm, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
Our daughter, Beth, was asked by her older sister to be her maid of honour. As the wedding approached, Beth asked what her duties would be. "Don’t worry," she was assured, "I’ll tell you what to do." "I see!" Beth exclaimed. "Nothing will have changed then, only now I have a title." --Ann Potter, London, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
I was watching TV when my husband called from the kitchen to ask if he could cook perogies in the oven. "I suppose so," I called back. Moments later he called, "Can I use the electric frying pan?" "Whatever you like," I answered. A short time later I went into the kitchen to check his progress. The perogies were nestled in the frying pan -- nicely browning in the oven. --Arlene P. MacBrayne, Gibsons, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
I asked the librarian to cancel my name on the waiting list for the second Harry Potter book. "Why?" she asked. "Well," I replied sheepishly, "I’m a doctor and when one of my ten-year-old patients learned I was number 1,237 on your list, she took pity on me and lent me her copy." --Neall Stedmann, Toronto (from Life's Like That, 2001) 7
One year, after many summers of camping, I finally summoned up the courage to drive our car with the camping trailer attached. We were packed and ready to leave the campsite, and my husband had walked up the hill to the gate to pay our fee. I got the kids strapped in the car and drove up the winding hill to meet him. It was a tough ride and steering the station wagon was difficult. The amazed look on Victor’s face when he saw me coming made me feel I’d really accomplished something. I lowered the window and asked what he thought of my great feat. He laughed. The trailer wasn’t connected to the car. --S. J. Shrum, Dartmouth, N.S. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
A women’s magazine article I was reading prompted a discussion with my husband. "Men are so lucky," I complained. "You don’t have cycles, mood swings, pregnancies or depressions. You just go merrily along, month after month, and nothing ever changes." "Not true, dear," he matter-of-factly answered. "We have you." --Janice Waddle, Pratt, Man. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
My husband and I were watching a video at home when the phone rang. Scott answered it in another room. He returned a moment later shaking his head. "It sounded like a kid giggling," he explained. "I really wish parents would keep an eye on their kids and not let them play with the phone." Just as he sat down, the phone rang again. He answered this time sounding a little exasperated. He listened a moment, then dashed upstairs. Our two-year-old son, sitting on the bed, had found his daddy’s cell phone and was using the speed dial function to phone home. --Angela Ackerman, Calgary (from Life's Like That, 2001)
While browsing through a thick bridal magazine, my newly engaged daughter saw the perfect wedding cake. "Oh, Mom, do you think you could make this cake for me?" she asked. My heart sank when I saw the magnificent cake, but not wanting to disappoint her, I suggested we find a bakery that might help us. After being turned down time and again, a lady at one shop suggested we try a new pastry shop that had just opened down the street. With picture in hand, we went to the store and showed it to the young baker. "That’s my cake!" he declared. --Joanne Hauge, Victoria (from Life's Like That, 2001)
As the owner of a clunker, I was used to dealing with a variety of car breakdowns. One day at the supermarket, just after I had filled my trunk with groceries, I noticed a stream of fluid pouring out of the bottom of the car. I knew I had to get home before the car was once again out of action. When I arrived I asked my husband to take a look at the problem. Expecting the worst, I braced myself for his diagnosis. When he came back in, he was smiling. "It’s apple juice," he said. --Barb Cortens, Winnipeg (from Life's Like That, 2001)
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Although we had played golf for a number of years, my husband and I decided to take some lessons to finetune our game. Some time later I was golfing with my sister and I complained that the lessons didn’t seem to have improved our scores. "Well," she replied, "you both look better!" --Maxine Brooks, Canmore, Alta. (from Life's Like That, 2001) I was cooking dinner one evening in an oven that was long past needing cleaning. When I opened the oven door, smoke from the burning grease on the bottom poured out, crawled along the ceiling and set off the smoke alarm in front of my daughter Olivia’s bedroom. My husband ran with a towel to wave the smoke away from the alarm. After a few minutes of screaming, it shut off. Moments later, Olivia sauntered out of her room, leaned into the kitchen and declared, "If you don’t stop burning supper, Mother, we’ll all go deaf!" --Wendy Dewar-Hughes, Agassiz, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
Between chores in the kitchen and changing loads in the washer, I was also keeping an eye on the movie my husband, Walter, was watching on television. But the plot was becoming more and more convoluted, the action moving between scenes in an airplane and scenes on a farm. I usually enjoy unravelling mystery plots, but I couldn’t follow the threads of this one. Finally I finished my chores and settled down to watch the rest of the movie. I was just getting involved with the characters in the airplane when Walter changed the channel. "I’m watching this!" I protested. But I needn’t have worried -- there on the screen were my friends on the farm. During my frequent trips in and out of the room, Walter had been switching channels, watching two movies at once. --V. K. Hoeppner, Winkler, Man. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
I discovered that the brown sugar I needed for a recipe was as hard as a rock. After I had tried unsuccessfully to chisel pieces off, my husband offered to break it up for me. I was puzzled when he took the bag out to the garage and surprised when he returned a few seconds later and handed me a bag of brown sugar that was almost powder. "How’d you do that?" I asked. "I drove over it with the car," he replied. --Dixie McGinn, Calgary (from Life's Like That, 2001)
My sister had everything organized for her wedding, including the cars to take the family to the church. When the big day arrived and everybody had finally left, my dad and sister went outside -- and discovered she’d neglected to arrange a car for herself. --Pauline Leblanc-Price, North Bay, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
Jacques, a recent arrival from Paris, had joined my husband’s company. To make him feel welcome, John helped him with errands and drove him to work. One day Jacques told John about the delicious croissant he’d had the other day. He could remember the street the café was on but not the exact location. Jacques 9
asked if John could drive him up and down the street, because he’d like another pâtisserie céleste. After 40 minutes of searching among the bistros, Jacques finally called out joyfully, "There!" It was a Dunkin’ Donuts shop. --Heike Margolis, Montreal (from Life's Like That, 2001)
One of my friends, her husband and three children went camping, but when they went to set up their tent, they discovered they were missing the pole to hold up the door flap. Her husband tied the flap to their car, parked right next to the tent. The following morning the family awoke to a downpour, so they decided to forego a campfire and get breakfast at a restaurant. They hopped into the car and took off -- dragging their tent behind them. --Brenda Burton, Margaree Valley, N.S. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
My grandmother found the perfect gift for her mother, who loves to garden -- a decorative dish with a lid for trapping pesky slugs. When my great-grandmother received it, she looked at it for a minute, then asked what it was. My grandmother told her, explaining all she had to do was fill it with beer and put it in the garden. "What?" my great-grandmother exclaimed. "You have to be a slug to get a beer around here?" --Christine Corman, Harrow, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
When my children were learning to dress themselves, I encouraged them by letting them wear whatever they managed to get on. One evening my young son and I went to meet my husband at a coffee shop. My husband looked at our son and declared: "Beth! His shirt is on backward!" "No," I said, "his shirt is on inside out. His pants are on backward." --Beth Earle, Digby, N.S. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
Two Grade 5 girls from Chernobyl were exchange students at our school. They had just started to learn some English when it was time for them to return to Russia. On their last day of school, one of the teachers offered to take their picture with me, the principal. As I posed between them, the teacher asked, "Anna, how do you say ‘Smile’ in Russian?" "Cheese!" she said. --Chris Kelly, Drayton Valley, Alta. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
At 9:30 one evening I was alone in a four-bed hospital ward, so I snuggled down hoping to get my first good night’s sleep since my surgery five days earlier. But around ten, a patient hooked up to numerous IVs and assorted beeping gadgets was brought in. Within the hour, two more patients occupied the other beds. Finally things quieted down and I tried to go to sleep. But then a steady beep-beep sounded. My IV was fine and the other occupants didn’t stir. Exasperated, I called the nurse. While I waited I dozed off, but a few 10
minutes later I felt a tap on my shoulder. "Would you please turn off the alarm on your watch?" the nurse asked. --Mary Ann Dilley, Terrace, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
An avid golfer, my husband was preparing to leave for his first game of the season, but he couldn’t find his favourite golf shoes. Eventually, so as not to miss his tee-off time, he left taking another pair. "Please look for my shoes," he begged me before leaving. I looked all over the house and in the garage but had no luck. When Gino came home, he complained that he’d had to quit after 14 holes because his feet were sore and blistered. That evening I went to his golf bag to get his sweatshirt—and found his favourite golf shoes safely tucked away. --Shirley Caputo, Hinton, Alta. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
Lots of preparation preceded my younger sister’s christening. The day finally arrived and the house was picture perfect. At the last minute, though, my mother decided the table needed flowers. She dashed outside and picked a large bouquet of peonies. They flanked an array of pies and other sweets on the table. When we arrived home, Mother noticed something odd about the dining-room table. Then she saw them. The table was alive with ants from the garden feasting on all the goodies. --Linda McGreevy, Carleton Place, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
I arrived home physically exhausted and noticed our car was not in the driveway. As I pulled up, eight-yearold Brock ran out to greet me. Annoyed that the children had been left alone, I asked, "Where’s your father?" "In the house," Brock answered. My voice rising in panic, I screeched, "Well where’s the car?" Brock looked at me in disbelief. "You’re in it." --Suzanne Thulin, Campbell River, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
While travelling through some major highway construction, my wife and I spotted amid the heavy equipment, dust and potholes, a roadside farmhouse. A sign, obviously put up by the occupant, read, "Some days I don’t know whether to sweep or plough." --Arthur L. Jones, Nanaimo, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
To be closer to my sister, Renée, and her family, my mother moved to their town. I knew she was concerned about having to make new friends, so after a few months, while chatting with my sister, I asked how Mom 11
was adjusting. "Not to worry," Renée said. "When she moved to town, I introduced her as my mother, Gabrielle. But now," she continued, "I’m being introduced as Gabrielle’s daughter!" --Andrée M. Kuhne, Kingston, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
In 1999 we installed a wood-burning cook stove in order to be ready for any eventuality. Now we use our stove daily. One day, though, we ran out of wood and had to turn on the furnace. Later that morning my husband went to pour water from the kettle to make coffee when he remembered the stove wasn’t burning. He sighed and said, "I guess I’ll just have to heat my water the old-fashioned way" -- and placed a cup of water in the microwave. --Sharon Dreher, Coleman, Alta. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
On one of my parents’ trips into the city, an argument erupted when Dad became frustrated with Mom for constantly giving him directions. The drive home was made in silence until Dad commented on how long it seemed to be taking. Mom could hold back no longer. "That’s because you passed the turnoff five minutes ago," she said. --Phylis Barrass, Peers, Alta. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
My husband, Bud, and I owned a mobile home in Texas and had been snowbirds for 20 years. Last winter I decided to call it quits, but Bud, being an avid golfer, did not agree and so went on his own. We called each other frequently, and on the eighth day I asked him if he had changed the sheets on the bed as I did every week. There was a pause, and then he said, "No, this week I’m sleeping on your side." --Julie Evans, Thunder Bay (from Life's Like That, 2001)
After giving me an injection to freeze my tooth, my dentist left, saying he’d return when the anesthetic had taken affect. Then a young lady bustled in and handed me a pen and a piece of paper and asked me to sign it. In my prone position and without my glasses on, I asked her what I was signing. "Why, your name, of course," she replied. --John Moyles, Kenosee Lake, Sask. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
Preparing to move into his new home, my son complained to one of his friends that so much had to be done at the last minute. "I know," his friend commiserated, then added, "I think if it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done." --Patricia Ferris, Oro Station, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 2001) When my friend Dale opens a can, she always turns it upside down to open it from the bottom. One day her young son asked her why. "I don’t really know," she said. "My mom always did it that way." She decided to call her mom and ask. 12
"When we brought the cans up from the cellar, the tops were always dusty," her mother explained. "I couldn’t be bothered to clean them, so I turned them upside down and opened the bottom." --Marilyn Redmond, Kanata, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
I wasn’t home when my friends Eric and Matt stopped off at my house to leave me a gift. Because Eric insisted to Matt that I had a spare key somewhere, they trudged around in the deep snow for some time, getting cold and wet, looking for it. Finally, they gave up and left the gift by the back door, then called to leave a message on my answering machine. When I had retrieved the message and the present, I called Eric to tell him that I do indeed keep a spare key…at his house. --Chris Allen, Kitchener (from Life's Like That, 2001)
My wife was talking on the phone to our son, who had a job in Banff, and I was waiting in another room to chat with him. I heard my wife say, "Son, I’ve got to go," and then she called me to the phone. Picking it up, I began: "I’ve sent you a few dollars in the mail. Take a girl out for a pizza or a show or something." There was a brief silence before one of my parishioners said, "Thanks, but I think my wife might get upset about that." He’d been on call-waiting. --Rev. Richard White, Little Current, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 2001)
At a gathering of my wife's family, we were discussing what keeps couples together year after challenging year. My father-in-law announced that his marriage to my mother-in-law had lasted 25 years and produced four happy children with the help of a miraculous substance that he called Love Glue. While we all pondered his words, my mother-in-law offered a different opinion. "It wasn't Love Glue," she said. "It was Krazy Glue." --W. Michael Myles, M.D., Ottawa (from Life's Like That, 2000)
To keep their active two-year-old from roaming onto the busy street in front of their home, my sister and brother-in-law decided they needed a gate across their driveway. Robert bought all the supplies, and after working over two weekends on the project, he was finally attaching the lock to complete the job. He was working on the yard side of the gate, with his daughter nearby, when he dropped the screwdriver he was using, and it rolled under the gate and out of his reach. "I'll get it, Daddy," Lauren called, and nimbly crawled under the newly erected barrier. --Janice DeCoste, Dartmouth, N.S. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
One of the soloists who was to sing at our wedding was unable to because she developed laryngitis the day before. Still, we wanted to acknowledge all her time and effort preparing, and asked the emcee to thank her at the reception-which he did: "Les and Laurie would also like to give special thanks to Mrs. Keith for not singing." 13
--Laurie Van Der Roest, Valemount, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
After my daughter had made several phone calls home when she was visiting New York City for the first time, she realized I was trying to make the calls short. I explained that I loved hearing about her adventures, but the calls were becoming quite costly. To my surprise, she said, "Oh, Mom, these calls aren't costing anything." I asked how she had reached that conclusion. Confidently she replied, "I'm using Dad's calling card." --Jody Johnson, White Rock, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
My brother and his wife gave us a slow cooker as a gift. During a visit, I mentioned that we were anxious to use this great appliance. My brother laughed and said, "I hope yours isn't as slow as ours is." I asked my sister-in-law what was wrong with theirs. "Nothing," she replied, "I haven't used it yet." --Jacqueline Vacheresse, Lower Sackville, N.S. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
During one of the frequent periods of unemployment that followed my liberal arts education, I went to a family gathering. While I dodged questions about career aspirations, my hard-working uncle shook his head and peered over the rim of his glasses at me. "Why don't you learn a trade?" he suggested in good humour. "Then at least you could tell us what kind of job you're out of." --Daniel Ladd, North Vancouver (from Life's Like That, 2000)
My independence was one of the attributes my husband said he admired in me. How much he did, however, was apparent the day I arrived home and was struggling to lift an 18-kilogram bag of birdseed from the back of our pickup. When he emerged from the house, I was relieved at first that help was at hand. His assistance, though, consisted of calling out, "Remember to bend your knees when you lift." --Helen Madill, Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
"Good afternoon, ma'am, I'm here to check your water meter," the Windsor Utilities employee greeted me when I opened my front door. "May I look at it?" "No," I replied, "you can't." The fellow looked confused. "It's okay if it's under stairs or in a crawl space," he assured me. "I have to check it for leaks." "If you'd come yesterday," I explained to him with a laugh, "you could have. But we're renovating, and my husband has just drywalled over the meter and hasn't had a chance to cut a trap door in the wall yet." "You think that's funny," he smiled. "This is our first meter check in 20 years!" 14
--Janet Bull, Windsor (from Life's Like That, 2000)
I dressed my two-year-old, Michael, as a clown one Halloween and took him trick or treating to my friend Camille's house. She wasn't home, so her boyfriend said he'd take a photograph of Michael to show her. He had trouble finding the camera, and when he finally did, he mentioned that Camille was always hiding things. I joked that the difference between men and women is that men call it hiding while women call it putting away. "I found it," he smiled, "in the bathroom sink." --Heather Warren, Saskatoon (from Life's Like That, 2000)
Halfway home, my seven-year-old daughter realized she'd left her Sunday-school homework at church. We turned the car around, and all the way back her grandfather and I lectured her about assuming responsibility for her things. She hopped out of the car, went into the church, and minutes later came back out, laughing, her homework in one hand-my purse in the other. --Laurie Molloy, Manuels, Nfld. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
With only two tellers working at the bank, the line I was standing in was moving very slowly. As I waited, I began to fill in my withdrawal slip. Not sure of the date, I asked the lady behind me. "It's the 25th," she replied. From the back of the line a man advised, "Don't write it in yet!" --Heike Margolis, Montreal (from Life's Like That, 2000)
One night on his way to work, my dad's truck was broadsided by a hit-and-run driver. There were several witnesses, and they all gave their version of what happened to the policeman who responded to the call. After taking statements, he asked, "Did anyone get the licence plate number?" "As a matter of fact, I did," Dad said, and handed the officer the licence plate itself, which had fallen off the car. --Connie Kuipers, Whitehorse, Y.T. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
After his plane landed in St. John's, Nfld., my husband's uncle from Northern Ireland hailed a cab to take him to his hotel. He and the driver struck up a conversation, and upon hearing the cabbie's accent, he believed he'd found a fellow Irishman. "How long has your family been in Canada?" he asked. "Oh, about 200 years," the driver said. --Jacquie McCarnan, Whistler, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
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The one-metre-tall spruce trees my wife and I had ordered had just been delivered and we were deliberating where to plant them. I suggested the only area ready for planting was the strip west of the house. Vanessa said she didn't want the view of the mountains obstructed, so I told her I could prepare a different site. After some thought, though, she decided that "by the time the trees are tall enough to block out the mountains, we won't be able to see that far anyway." --Dale Slade, Nanton, Alta. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
My teenage granddaughter loves to wear jewellery and enjoys looking over my rings, chains and bracelets. One day a diamond ring caught her eye. Chelsea said she loved it and would really like to have one like it. I told her that when I passed on, the ring would be hers. "Oh, Gram," she exclaimed, "I can hardly wait!" --Bertha Sutherland, Pictou, N.S. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
Concerned that her son, lacking culinary skills, might not eat or eat all the wrong foods when he left for his first year of university, my sister made him a "care" box filled with his favourite soups, casseroles and cookies , which she had cooked and frozen for him. The day of departure arrived, and with his car loaded down, Brad left. He phoned home after a busy first week, and Jean asked if he had been eating the food he had taken with him. "Well, no, Mom," Brad replied, "I don't have a microwave-I can't defrost anything." --Harriet Dezura, Maple Ridge, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
"Can you tell me where I can find A Life on the Fringe, by the late Ottawa senator Eugene Forsey?" I asked the bookstore clerk. "Come with me," he replied and led me to the sports section. "All the books about the Ottawa Senators are here." --Gerard Kenney, Ottawa (from Life's Like That, 2000) When my husband, Ian, arrived at a convenience store, he noticed a tow truck out front. A young man was using various hooks and shims to open the door of a shiny new Porsche 911. After completing his shopping, Ian saw the same young man still working away, but obviously unsuccessfully. "Having trouble with that one, eh?" he commented. "If I was good at this," the fellow said mournfully, "I'd be driving the Porsche, not the tow truck." --Sandra Cowan, Calgary (from Life's Like That, 2000)
I was watching the aerobic championships on TV with my daughter-in-law. A smiling blonde young thing was performing. Sleek, solid, with not an extra ounce on her toned body, she was bouncing and darting about, her rapid arm and leg movements in sync with the music. Glancing down at my added poundage and expanded middle, I lamented to Kim, "Would you believe that at one time I looked like that?" 16
"You were blonde?" she asked. --Verla Lloy, Gladstone, Man. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
Yorkshire pudding should be big and puffy, a skill I had not yet mastered when our friends came over for supper one evening. When I took my heavy, flat Yorkshires out of the oven, I was embarrassed. However, since Tami and Mason had never tasted Yorkshire pudding before, I decided to serve it anyway. They claimed to love it; they even had seconds. A few months later Tami phoned for the recipe. I had finally perfected it and gave her detailed instructions. I phoned her the next day to ask how the Yorkshire puddings had turned out. "Terrible!" she replied. "They were nothing like yours. Mine were all big and puffy." --Lynnel Bukowski-Ling, Kenosee Lake, Sask. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
When our neighbour, a teacher, moved onto our street, we were among the first to greet him. Enumerating the unusual number of full-time and substitute teachers already residing in the neighbourhood, I asked, "And isn't your wife a substitute?" "No," he replied with a smile. "She's my real wife." --David Hoddinott, Northern Arm, Nfld. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
As a housewife, I'd been feeling left behind in a world of big business and careers. I felt justified in my thinking when I was asked "What do you do?" at a co*cktail party my husband and I attended. "I'm a homemaker," I replied. "Oh," the man continued, "and what housing development are you currently building?" --Shari Bell, Willowdale, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
My friend had agreed to make a batch of squares for refreshments following a funeral service, but baking wasn't her forte and she began to fret. After taking the pan from the oven, she viewed the less-than-attractive results. Concerned, she asked her husband to sample one. "Well," was his candid reply, "if they're not grieving before the service, they will be afterwards." --Jean Geiger, Cambridge, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
When I first moved to Victoria from landlocked Calgary, I loved waking up to the sound of the seagulls and the smell of the fresh sea breeze. But one night I awoke to a loud, continuous honk, honk, honk. Although I tried to get back to sleep, I couldn't and was getting quite angry. Finally I phoned the police. "Someone's car alarm is blaring and no one has come to turn it off," I complained.
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Not long after, the police called me back. "We believe we've located the source of the sound." In the background I heard laughter. "It's a fog horn." --J. R. McDonald, Victoria (from Life's Like That, 2000)
On a day off from work, my husband asked for a list of chores he could tackle. Among others, I suggested he harvest the remaining carrots in the garden before the frost got them. When I returned home that evening, a huge pile of warm, clean carrots were on the kitchen counter. I thanked Ron for doing such a thorough job. "No, problem," he replied. "That new top-of-the-line dishwasher we just bought sure got them clean." --Suzan Chamney, Canmore, Alta. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
My friend had finally relented and agreed to join her husband and sons for a day of canoeing on a nearby river. Extremely low water levels due to a dry summer forced them to push, drag or carry the canoe as often as paddle it. At home the next day she announced, "That's the first and last time I take a canoe for a walk!" --C. B. Chassé, Memramcook, N.B. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
I told my husband that my doctor had suggested I find something therapeutic to do. I decided to renovate the kitchen. Several weeks later I handed Ian the first bill. He looked at it, then at me. "You can call your doctor tomorrow," he said, "and let him know your therapy is finished." --C. J. MacPherson, Mount Uniacke, N.S. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
Danielle and our son, Matthew, share jobs around their apartment. He cooks; she cleans and does the laundry. One evening when they were over for a family dinner, Matthew said he thought the T-shirt Danielle was wearing was his. She insisted it was hers because she found it in her drawer. "Who puts the laundry away?" I asked them. "I do," she replied. --Simone Goldsmith, Hamilton (from Life's Like That, 2000)
A week's worth of recyclables had piled up on top of a broken vase my friend Ken had tossed into the nearest receptacle, and he forgot it was there when he put out the recycling box. When he picked up the box that night, it was empty except for the broken vase. The next week's worth of recycling was again piled on top of the forgotten vase, and again the box was brought back in with the vase still there. For a third week, Ken forgot the vase. But when he brought the box in that night, it was gone. In its place was a note that said, "You win." 18
--Hugh Mallon, Peterborough, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
At a community event, my friend Beryl, in her early 90s, was delighted to spy her former schoolteacher, now over 100 years old. Beryl excitedly went over to her and they had a short chat. "When can I come over and have a really good visit with you?" Beryl asked. Immediately the former teacher looked at Beryl pointedly and replied, "You mean, 'When may I come over.'" --Gayla W. Holt, Cardston, Alta. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
My mother and I had to leave my father lying in a crowded hospital admittance area overnight. Adjacent to his bed lay a deathly ill woman, her grim-faced family surrounding her. A priest was there, saying prayers. The next morning when we returned, the woman was up and pacing the hallway. "Wow!" I exclaimed to my mother. "What an amazing comeback." She shrugged and casually quipped, "I told you your father's snoring was enough to raise the dead." --Margit Stratten, Kelowna, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
When my son Nick received a promotion at the restaurant where he works, he announced that he could now afford a car. My wife and I cautioned him about the responsibilities he'd be assuming and about the importance of saving and budgeting for major expenditures. Nick had considered these things, he told us, and was prepared. We said he should go ahead. "Great! I'm going right to the store to buy the latest Auto Trader magazine!" he exclaimed. Then he added: "Uh, Dad? Could I borrow two dollars?" --Allen Atwell, Barrie, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
The cottage next to ours had been sold, and I walked over to welcome the new owners. As I approached the door, two small dogs came charging around the corner, barking furiously, and one nipped me on the leg. The owners, right behind them, apologized profusely for their dogs' behaviour. After we exchanged some small talk, I asked the couple what kind of work they did. Both were letter carriers. --Barry Smith, Winnipeg (from Life's Like That, 2000)
For the second time in six weeks I had fallen off my horse and broken some ribs, and the doctor in emergency was the same one I had seen previously. Since there isn't much that can be done for broken ribs, he prescribed a pain killer and sent me on my way. As I was about to leave, I jokingly asked, "Is there anything you can recommend for my horse?" He thought for a moment, then said, "Another rider." --Catherine Linfield, Berry Mills, N.B. (from Life's Like That, 2000) 19
When my wife developed a foot problem, her doctor told her she would have to wear wide, flat shoes. Some time later, while we were dressing to attend an important client's co*cktail party, Ingrid studied her reflection in the full-length mirror. Flat shoes killed the effect of her expensive new dress, she announced. She dug out a pair of her old high heels and liked what she saw. We left for the party. As we approached the building, Ingrid twisted her ankle. Ever brave, she hobbled into the elevator. When we arrived at our Japanese host's penthouse, a maid answered the door-and asked us to remove our shoes. --Terence Walsh, Surrey, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
"Hey, Dad," my son called from the driveway, "okay if I use your car to pick up my girlfriend at the airport?" "But that's a 120-kilometre round trip," I yelled from the back of the garage. Curious, I walked out to the driveway. "Is there something wrong with your car?" "No," he replied with a sheepish grin. "But yours gets better gas mileage." --Don Tait, Victoria (from Life's Like That, 2000)
While on vacation, we often went in to the nearest town to shop. One day I noticed a quaint little house that had a door the deep rose colour I had been searching for to paint our own front door. I wanted to show my husband the colour, but each time we passed, he missed seeing it. Finally, a day or so before we were to leave, we made a special trip into town to see the door. We pulled to a stop at the curb in front of the house, just in time to see the homeowner put the finishing touches on his freshly painted green door! --Sherri L. Jantzi, Tavistock, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 2000) My twins were born when my oldest boy was just 16 months old. When the twins became toddlers, my brood had grown into a rambunctious threesome, and I relied on my mother for advice and moral support. One morning I phoned her to describe how one of the twins had decorated the living- and dining-room walls with colourful, indelible felt markers. "I'll have to paint everything," I wailed. "I'll never be able to scrub this off!" Quietly, Mom said, "You used lipstick." --Margaret Mills, Ottawa (from Life's Like That, 2000)
Newly married, my husband and I had had several heated discussions concerning the division of household chores. I complained that I was doing the lion's share. Not long after, I returned home and found every second room vacuumed, the dishes washed and the laundry done and folded. I was even more touched to find "I love you" drawn in the dust on every second shelf of the bookcases. 20
--Catherine Marie Rodgers, Mount Pearl, Nfld. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
At a family get-together, my two young daughters came to tell me that my husband's cousin Kathy, whom I didn't know well, still had the price tag hanging from the arm of her jacket. I decided I ought to tell Kathy about the tag. When I did, she looked chagrined, and then laughed: "This is the third time I've worn this jacket!" --Susanne Salmon, Sidney, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
Relaxing outside, I suddenly heard shouts of "Kool Aid for sale!" The children across the street were calling this to every car that stopped at the corner. After an hour, I was weary of it. I went over and gave them each a dollar to quit yelling "Kool Aid for sale!" They happily agreed. I had just settled comfortably back in my lounge chair when I heard, "Lemonade for sale, ten cents a glass!" --Lorraine Mousseau, Windsor (from Life's Like That, 2000)
After reading a display at a local paint and hardware store about "smooshing" -- a painting technique-my mother decided to try it. She walked up to the young salesman and asked, "Do you have everything it takes for smooching?" --Jennifer Lamb, Winnipeg (from Life's Like That, 1999)
A friend of ours told my husband, Jim, that he knew a fellow named Bob who owned a small-engine repair shop in Sackville and wanted to buy the banjo we had for sale. When we were in the city, we finally found the repair shop, went in and asked for Bob. When Bob came to the counter, Jim demonstrated the banjo and told him what he wanted for it. A deal was struck. On our way home we stopped at our friend's house. "I was just talking to Bob," he told us, "and he's wondering when you can take the banjo to his shop so he can see it." We had just sold the banjo to the wrong Bob at the wrong repair shop. --Marlene Elliott, Mount Uniacke, N.S. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
My friend and I had just sat down at our favourite restaurant and were surprised that we didn't have our usual waitress. Instead, a new and very young waiter would be serving us. We learned that he had been in training all week, standing to one side as one waitress after another approached her customers with a perky smile and the usual "Hi! My name's Kelly, and I'm your waitress tonight." As he arrived at the table, our waiter gave us a truly dazzling smile and said: "Good evening, ladies. My name's Paul, and I'm your waitress tonight." --Virginia L. Coombs, Stoney Creek, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1999) 21
Because she worked at a newsstand in Toronto's Union Station, my sister Dorothy constantly told us how familiar she was with the arrivals and departures of all the trains. One evening we were stopped at a railway crossing, and as a luminous row of passenger coaches swept by, Dorothy glanced at her watch. In an authoritative voice, she proclaimed, "That's the 9:15 to Montreal." Dorothy's husband looked over at her. "Well, sweetheart," he said, "someone ought to tell the engineer he's going in the wrong direction." --Ron McCandlish, Scarborough (from Life's Like That, 1999)
Our miniature schnauzer was used to travelling everywhere with us in the car, with few exceptions. If it were too hot or too cold, for instance, we'd leave him at home. Each time we did, we would return to find some evidence of his displeasure. After one trip without him, we discovered the tattered remains of a book by the front door. Its title was Left Behind. --Debby Petryk, Vermette, Man. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
I was trying to discuss plans for the weekend with my husband and said that I wanted to see An Ideal Husband. Wearily he put down his newspaper. "I'm sure you do, dear," he said. "But let's face it, you're stuck with me." --Gael Gilbert, Toronto (from Life's Like That, 1999)
Doug, a co-worker, was complaining one day about the oil stains on his clothes after he did his laundry. Another colleague suggested the cause was likely the bearings in his washing machine, a very expensive repair job. He suggested Doug would be better off buying a new washer. Doug bought a new machine and hauled his old one to the dump. After he returned home, he hooked up the new one and immediately put in a load of laundry. To his dismay, he noticed new oil stains on his clotheswhen he took them out of the dryer. --Gregg Mitchell, Campbell River, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
We were visiting our daughter, and her dad had given her a bouquet of roses. She went to the kitchen and got out a vase, then realized it was too small. The larger one she needed was on top of the cupboards, and she couldn't reach it. I asked her if she wanted a chair. "No, thanks," she replied. "I have a man." --June Kamicka, London, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
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Before I went over to my grandmother's house one day, she reminded me that she had repainted the door and frame on her 1970s-style duplex. As I walked up the front stairs, I saw that she had left a note for anyone else who happened along. "Wet paint. Still tacky." Underneath that, a visitor had written, "Actually, the '70s are back in style now." --Eliane Macdonald, Victoria (from Life's Like That, 1999)
Just as we were about to get into our car in the church parking lot one evening, two friends in the next car rolled down their windows and said they had a problem. Their car was a courtesy car from a service station, and it wouldn't start. The driver had tried everything she could think of, but to no avail. In mounting frustration, she moaned: "What's the matter with it? Why won't it start?" A new voice was heard from the darkness. "Maybe because it's my car." --Sandy Hoenecke, Saskatoon (from Life's Like That, 1999)
After being introduced to the other dinner guests as "the couple with seven children and one on the way," my husband and I became the focus of attention. "How do you do it?" one guest asked. "Oh, you should see her home," one neighbour exclaimed. "She's so organized, and her house is immaculate." Everyone seemed impressed, until my husband, who was coming down with a cold, reached into his pocket and proceeded to sneeze into a pair of one of our sons' neatly folded plaid boxers. --Barbara Johnson, Maple Ridge, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
When my four-year-old daughter complained of a sore neck, I recalled she had had a fever the day before and so I rushed her to the doctor. "Joy," he asked, "tell me how your neck hurts." "You know," she replied, bending her head all the way back, "every time my mom brushes my hair she pulls my head like this, and my neck hurts!" --Ann Kim, Langley, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
Shortly after we were married, my husband accompanied me to the supermarket for the first time. Not having had to consider the option of paper versus plastic bags before, he was momentarily puzzled when the cashier asked, "Paper or plastic?" After due consideration, he replied, "Just regular money, I guess." --Susan Lohrer, Creston, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999) 23
Just before my brother got married, my husband and I volunteered to watch his dog while he was on his honeymoon. I wondered what the two weeks would be like, though, when I overheard him say to our mother that we weren't used to having a dog -- and the dog wasn't used to being one. --Jackie Dennis, Tilbury, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
A co-worker, Chuck, borrowed his father's brand-new tent trailer for a camping trip in the Rockies with his wife and infant daughter. On the third night, they were awakened by a bear shredding the tent canvas at the entrance. With claws only inches away from their daughter, they escaped to the safety of their car while the bear continued to demolish the tent. When it finally left, they decided to build a fire for warmth. In his haste to get it going, Chuck threw some gas onto the damp wood. The flames carried over to the canvas and in seconds the tent was on fire. Chuck had the chore of towing the damaged tent trailer into the insurance company's lot. After hearing their tale of woe, the adjuster grinned. "It's a good thing you set it on fire," he said, "because your insurance doesn't cover bear damage." --Theresa Parlby, Victoria (from Life's Like That, 1999)
My friend and I were discussing where on our bodies would be the best place to apply the weight-loss patch we were trying. Her husband, who overheard our conversation, suggested, "Your mouths." --Barbara Garrison, Harrowsmith, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1999) My wife and I tried a newly opened restaurant in our area. The young waitress took my order for a martini but returned shortly, explaining they had no olives. I asked for an onion instead. "Here you are, sir, your martini and onion," she said when she returned. "Would you like a knife?" Alongside my drink was a large yellow onion. --Alex Murray, Coquitlam, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
In a new-car showroom, my husband, Bill, and I were walking towards a sedan when we spotted a bright red convertible sports car. Bill climbed behind the wheel, while I wedged myself into the passenger seat. As we gazed out, we realized that Bill was looking over, rather than through, the windshield. When the salesman came over, he looked puzzled when Bill asked, "Do you have anything in a 42 tall?" --Wynne Edwards, Edmonton (from Life's Like That, 1999)
During the school year, my daughter's Grade III teacher had given the children an assignment to be entitled "My Biggest Surprise." Not until the end of the year, when Beverley brought all of her work home, did we get to see it. Her story read: "I got up this morning and I ran into Mommy and Daddy's bed and hopped in. But it wasn't Mommy at all -- it was Mrs. Friars!" 24
We wondered what her teacher must have thought. We had called Mrs. Friars, late at night, to stay with the children while I took my wife to the hospital to have our fourth child. --Robert G. Butler, Saint John, N.B. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
In anticipation of winter's arrival, my husband, George, took our snowblower out to make any necessary repairs. When it wouldn't start, he enlisted my father's help to load it onto the truck to take it to the repair shop. Somehow, things went wrong and he ended up headfirst on top of the machine, with a badly gashed forehead. At the hospital George needed 12 stitches to close the wound. Undaunted, back home he and Dad once again attempted to load the snowblower onto the truck. This time they were successful. Later, while they waited to be served at the shop, George noticed a sign that added insult to injury: free pickup and delivery. --Bev Maxim, Regina (from Life's Like That, 1999)
The retired minister who had arrived at my friends' downtown condo in midweek had mistakenly assumed he was coming for a prenuptial chat, not to perform the wedding ceremony. When the situation had been sorted out, the minister asked the groom, "So, do you want me to call you James or Jim in the ceremony?" "Actually," the groom replied, "I'd prefer it if you called me Doug." --Muriel Honey, Vancouver (from Life's Like That, 1999)
My wife and I were making our own funeral arrangements, and the director showed us into a room in which containers for ashes were on display. After we looked at the choices, I asked my wife if she had decided. She sighed. "Yes, the wood-finish one, as it will likely go into the ground." After a moment's pause, however, she continued. "But I really prefer the blue one. You know I always look good in blue." --Max K. Strang, Haliburton, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
I was in the kitchen when my husband called from the bedroom to ask where his good green polo shirt was. In one of his drawers, I answered, and if not, then the clothes hamper. After listening to him slam drawers and mutter and mumble, I went into the bedroom and asked which shirt he wanted. He repeated, "My good green polo shirt." "The one you're wearing?" I asked. --Debbie L. M. Brooks, Kamloops, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
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We bought my mother-in-law a remote car starter that also opened the door locks at the press of a button. We left her car at the shop to have the system installed. That evening the technician called. He said the installation was almost complete but they had run into a little problem - they had locked the keys in the car. --Beverley Livingstone, Barriere, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
While out one evening, my mother noticed a young gentleman who resembled her old high-school sweetheart. She approached him to ask if he was her old boyfriend's son. Unfortunately, her phrasing left something to be desired. Excusing herself, she politely asked, "Do you know who your father is?" --Susan Cormier, Kelowna, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
Many of the people in our neighbourhood have lived here for 20 or more years, and so we're now seeing several teenagers of these families in the process of obtaining their driver's licences. The kids are growing up but aren't quite there yet. This was apparent when we overheard our neighbour call to her 16-year-old as he was pulling out of their driveway in the family van: "Watch out for the icy roads, don't go over the speed limit -- and don't forget to bring your mitts home." --Brian Scarsbrook, Winnipeg (from Life's Like That, 1999)
Pulled over for speeding, I gave the officer my licence and registration and settled down to wait for my ticket. A few minutes passed while he fussed and rattled around. Finally, he handed all my papers back. Seeing the puzzled look on my face, he mumbled something about not being able to find a pen. A salesman, I automatically reached into my pocket and handed him one. He looked at me, then looked at the pen and grinned. "I wouldn't do that to anyone. Now get out of here and slow down." --Ronald J. Breadner, Owen Sound, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
My husband, who has credit cards, told me that they were useful as identification when paying for merchandise by cheque. Because I didn't have one, he said, most places, including his favourite hardware store, would not accept my cheque. Betting that they would, I headed for the hardware store. When I presented my cheque to the cashier, I told her I didn't have a credit card. "Oh, that's okay," she smiled, looking at the names on my cheque, "your husband writes cheques here all the time." --Wendy Rud, Prince George, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
It had been a long day for my father, who complained of all the misfortune he had experienced that day: He'd been caught in traffic and so arrived home late, he'd left behind some important documents he'd 26
planned to work on that night, and now to top it off, we were experiencing a power failure. "Oh, honey," my mother said, trying to console him, "don't let these things ruin your day. Why don't you just sit back and relax?" With that, she handed him the remote. "Here, for once the kids aren't watching TV." --Shaila Mughal, Scarborough (from Life's Like That, 1999)
My husband, Howard, a rancher, was nearing the end of a long and successful weight-loss journey. One evening our weekly support group was discussing the positive things they had experienced since losing weight. Many women mentioned fitting into smaller clothes, a couple of the men said they enjoyed social events more, but Howard had the most unique experience: "My horse doesn't go MMFFF! anymore when I get on him." --Nielle R. Hawkwood, Cochrane, Alta. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
On my husband's second visit to the exercise class he enrolled in, he used the rowing machines, rode a stationary bicycle and did leg exercises with one-kilo weights attached to each ankle. When he finished, he walked ten minutes to the garage where he had parked his car, then picked me up. "I'm exhausted," he complained. "I wonder if I should continue this program." When we got home, he trudged into the house, and finally sat down to rest his tired legs. He eased his shoes off -- and discovered the weights still strapped to his ankles. --Renate Huxtable, Vancouver (from Life's Like That, 1999)
Travel complications prevented my daughter from being home for her 17th birthday. When she called me from a train station several hundred kilometres away, I could tell she was depressed. "Well," I comforted her, "if it makes you feel any better, your dad and I are sitting here looking at your birthday present." "Oh, Mom," she cried excitedly, "please tell me you're sitting in the driveway! --Julie Evans, St. Catharines (from Life's Like That, 1999)
As I was waiting for my wife at the reception desk at a spa, a flustered lady entered. She apologized to the receptionist for being late. "I walked up and down both sides of the street for 15 minutes trying to find the entrance to the spa," she said. When she finished her explanation, the receptionist's first question was, "Have you ever been here before?" --Ed Swartzack, Ottawa (from Life's Like That, 1999)
My husband, Cal, grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong. "I have to ask you to move your car," Cal told him. 27
"Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?" "No," Cal replied, "it's at the wrong address." --Twila Woods, Victoria (from Life's Like That, 1999)
While shopping at the mall, my husband and I became separated. I went out to the car, but realized I didn't have the keys. I went back into the store where we'd been to look for him. The woman in charge of the carts smiled knowingly. "Finished before your husband I see," she said. "Well, I have three men waiting over there on the bench -- take one. It should all work out even at the end of the day." --Norma Ratch, Cache Creek, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
The toast burned while my aunt was making breakfast, setting off the smoke detector. After unplugging the toaster, she grabbed a towel and began vigorously fanning the detector to shut the alarm off, but the buzzing continued. She called my uncle. "Bill! Bill! The alarm won't go off!" "Fan it like I showed you," he called. "I'm fanning, I'm fanning!" she replied. He came into the kitchen, surveyed the situation, then said calmly, "That's the doorbell you're fanning." --Joyce Baron, Ladysmith, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999) We were given a secondhand clothes dryer with the information that all it needed was a new filament. My father-in-law had volunteered to install it for us. After he had been at it for two hours, I went downstairs to see if there was a problem. He was frustrated because he had checked all the connections but the dryer wouldn't start. Casually I leaned over and pushed the start button. And it did. My father-in-law, startled, asked what I had done, then sheepishly admitted that hadn't occurred to him. --Gayle Azyan, New Westminster, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
Although all four of us had ordered the same dinner while dining out one evening, Valerie felt her steak was undercooked. She complained to our waiter, who promptly removed her plate and disappeared. Five minutes later he returned, and to our surprise, he placed the same steak in front of her. "After tasting your steak," he advised, "the cook and I both agree that there's absolutely nothing wrong with it." --Andrea Darnbrough, Halifax (from Life's Like That, 1999)
Our three young children were housebound one dreary day, and the noise level was high. Shannon, our middle child, was practising harmonic intervals on the piano when she hollered across the room, "Dad, do you know what a 'fourth' is?" "Yes," he replied, "it's something we never even considered." --Wendy Walsh, Perth Road, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1999) 28
I met an acquaintance whom I hadn't seen for quite a number of years. I remembered her as an emphatically single woman after an unpleasant divorce, but to my surprise she was sporting a new wedding ring. When I congratulated her, she related an incident from the wedding. Her nephew had travelled over 2,000 kilometres to attend. When she told him how delighted she was that he came, he said, "Auntie, I had to see what it looked like when hell froze over." --Inger Calder, Sault Ste. Marie, Ont. (from Life's Like That, )
A host mother for a young exchange student, I learned early that there are more similarities than differences between countries and people. Anxious to make him feel welcome, I asked if there were any foods he couldn't eat or didn't like. Although he understood and spoke English, his vocabulary was limited. He said he'd eat most foods, except...but he couldn't remember the name. I suggested he draw a picture of it. He drew a rough outline of a human body and drew an arrow pointing to the liver. --Tomi Tarasuk, Scarborough (from Life's Like That, 1999)
Only after he had completed a round of golf did my nephew realize his cell phone was missing. Groaning over the prospect of retracing his steps over the whole course, he suddenly was inspired. He found a phone and dialed his cell phone number. A surprised voice at the other end told him where he could find it. --Edith Thoreson, Wainwright, Alta. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
Confined to bed with his world reduced to his bedroom window, my friend's husband followed his neighbour's progress painting his house. One day Ken noticed that a spot had been missed. He told his wife, who relayed the message. The area was fixed, and from then on until the entire house had been painted, the neighbour daily painted a greeting to Ken on the side of his house. --Pauline Dery, Knowlton, Que. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
My husband and I sat on the floor of our RV facing the open door of our gas oven, which was not working properly. We watched intently, waiting for the burner flame to return to a normal pilot state. Gale, a wellequipped neighbouring camper, knocked, then opened the door. He looked startled, but quickly recovered. "Oh, that's right," he said, "you guys don't have a TV." --Ruby Cleroux, Vauxhall, Alta. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
In preparation for our family holiday in Hawaii, I had bought fabric the sales clerk assured me was an authentic Hawaiian print. I made shorts-and-shirt sets for my husband and teenage son. The first morning of our holiday they both hurried down to the hotel pool but returned very shortly. 29
After the third person had asked them for beach chairs and towels, they realized that the entire hotel staff was uniformed in the same authentic Hawaiian print they were wearing. --Betty Gregory, Kelowna, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
Reluctantly, my husband was helping me shop for a new comforter. As we walked through the store, I pointed out ones I liked. Thinking I'd force him into making a decision, I asked, "If you had to pick one, which one would you like on our bed?" Without hesitation, he replied, "The one you're under." --Susanne Salmon, Sidney, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
The day before his birthday, my brother, Richard, his wife and three children and all their household belongings moved into my mother's house while they waited to take possession of their new home. The next morning my mother, before leaving for work, left a note: "Happy birthday, Richard! You arrived 27 years ago with much less." --Lisa Snyder, Loretto, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
My wife, Marilyn, and I were dining at a busy restaurant. The manager came over to our table and, addressing us by name, said we had a phone call. It was my daughter-in-law. I asked her how she had described us to the manager to lead him directly to us. She said she had told him we were both short and grey-haired. My suspicion that Marilyn and I had become creatures of habit was confirmed, however, when she added, "And I said: If it's any help, I can tell you what they ordered." --George James, Bracebridge, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
Our Sunday school was practising for our concert, and we each had a bag lunch to eat beforehand. Our church is small, so the props for our concert were simple. A floor lamp was to serve as a spotlight onstage, but we needed a power bar to switch the light off and on from offstage. I called home and asked my 16year-old son to bring me one. Not long after, he arrived and handed me not one but two Nutribars. --Kathy Berg, Lashburn, Sask. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
When they retired, my friend Margaret and her husband, Jim, spent some time visiting the homes of their married children. Margaret, who had brought up eight children, pointed out to Jim how helpful around the house the modern-day husbands were. After they were home, Margaret had a knee operation. A few days later she dragged herself over to the sink to wash the dishes. "Good grief," Jim said when he went into the kitchen and saw what she had done, "you could have left them." Margaret was pleased that he had taken note of her comment about helpful modernday husbands, but then he added, "...until you felt better." --Leona French, 70 Mile House, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999) 30
I was invited to dinner at the home of an elderly couple, and I noticed they had a new dishwasher. "John has been doing the dishes since the children left home," my hostess informed me. "I thought he needed a break." Smiling, she added: "When I filled out the warranty registration card, there was a space for 'age of previous dishwasher.' I wrote '83 years.'" --Christine Richardson, Hearst, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
One day my sister, who is a seamstress and a busy working mother with three children, drove past an RCMP car in the village where she lives. The patrol car did a quick U-turn, its flashing lights came on and it pulled up behind her. As she had been driving the speed limit, she couldn't imagine why she was being stopped. The officer approached her window and said: "You're a hard lady to catch at home. I was wondering if you'd hem a pair of uniform pants for me?" --Carol Fairley, Bloomfield Ridge, N.B. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
When she learned I was going on vacation to Europe, my grandmother asked me to buy her a specific type of tinned salmon because, she said, it was delicious and available only in Scotland. I picked up three cans as Granny had requested, and packed and unpacked them as I continued my travels. Just before I returned home, I was once again putting the salmon back in my luggage when I noticed printed at the top of one of the tins: "Made in Canada." --Lyndsay Prentice, New Westminster, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
There was no place for us to stop to deliver our Meals on Wheels, but since we were going to be only a short time, my friend Sheila parked in a no-parking zone. As we were about to enter the apartment building, Sheila noticed a motorcycle policeman approaching our car, ticket book in hand. "Officer! Officer!" Sheila called, "We're doing Meals on Wheels." "Lady," he replied, "I'm doing Tickets on Wheels." --Mary O'Brien, Halifax (from Life's Like That, 1999)
For a relative's 88th birthday, a cake was made in the shape of her age. After the traditional birthday song had been sung, the cake was served, and soon the bottom half of the second "8" was gone. Noticing this, my cousin announced to the guest of honour, "Helen, your age is now down to 80!" "Well," she shot back, "keep eating!" --Marilyn Brooks, Edmonton (from Life's Like That, 1999)
Because my friend Donna never used her gas barbecue, she decided to sell it through the classifieds. It sold very quickly. Then about a month later, Donna received a call from the newspaper. She was the winner of a classified-ad contest they had been running-and had won a gas barbecue. 31
--Diane J. Gumprich, Winnipeg (from Life's Like That, 1999) I had posted signs early Saturday morning in our neighbourhood advertising our garage sale, and even though it was raining, my sister and I were disappointed later when we had very few customers. As I went to take the signs down, I discovered why: My six-year-old niece had given me one of her "washable" markers to use, and the rain had washed away our address. --Paulette Klein, Calgary (from Life's Like That, 1999)
During a soccer game, I cheered enthusiastically when my son, Keighan, scored a beautiful goal. Within minutes he scored again. I jumped up and down, cheering, and noticed a gentleman grinning at my maternal pride. I smiled sheepishly back. But when Keighan scored yet again, I jumped to my feet, catching the same man's eye, and pointed to the field. "That's my kid!" He smiled. "And that's my kid-in the net." --Lisanne O'Laughlin, Happy Valley-Goose Bay, Nfld. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
It seldom rains in the area of Canada where I live. Sometimes we almost forget what rain feels like. One cloudy day my sister Bonnie and I were walking side by side drinking soda. Suddenly it began to rain so softly that it was barely noticeable. Just as I took a slurp of my drink, Bonnie turned to me and said, "You're splashing me!" --Amie Geall, Lloydminster, Sask. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
One day my husband, who continually polishes his motorcycle-his pride and joy-ran out of rags. I had none in the house, but our daughter offered him a small baby blanket. "Why waste a perfectly good blanket?" he asked. "It's misshapen and too rough for the baby's skin," she replied. He looked at her in amazement. "And you expect me to use it on my motorcycle?" --Nancy Hatton, Moncton, N.B. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
A foursome of boys around 13 years old were playing golf behind my husband and his friend Gus. Gus wasn't having much luck avoiding the hazards, and it seemed each time he lost a ball, one of the lads from the group behind caught up and offered to sell him one. Even though he had a good supply of balls, Gus thought the kid was enterprising, so he bought them. When Gus was putting his clubs in the car after the game, he noticed a hole in the pocket of his bag-and realized the golf balls he had been buying were his own. --Gayle Douglas, Sarnia, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
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In his late 70s, my grandfather developed pain in his knee. He was sent to a clinic ten kilometres away for therapy. As was his habit, he used his bike as his mode of travel. On arrival his first day, he was taken to a room and given his treatment: ten kilometres on a stationary bike. --S. Smith, Victoria (from Life's Like That, 1999)
At a supermarket's checkout, my husband was standing in line behind a young fellow who had only a few purchases. As is the custom at that store, in order to credit his club card with points, the cashier asked him for his phone number. The fellow looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry," he stammered. "I already have a girlfriend." --J. Gendron, Alberta Beach, Alta. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
Shortly after Grandpa died, Grandma was driving my sister and me on a shopping trip. We were aghast at the tales she told us of what a terrible driver Grandpa had been. In the middle of one story, we arrived at an intersection. The light was green, but instead of going through, Grandma stopped. My sister and I both exclaimed that she had the green. "Well," Grandma said frostily, "it's usually red when I get here." --Kelly A. Cochrane, Prince Albert, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
As the ferry neared our landing, my mother, sister and I got on the boat's elevator to return to our car. We pressed the button for our deck and the elevator started down, but when it reached our level, the doors wouldn't open. Pressing the "door open" button didn't work, so when my sister spotted an emergency phone in the corner, my mother used it. "Hello... hello! Is anybody there?" she asked nervously. "Yes," came the reply. "We're trapped in the elevator, at the bottom level," Mom said. We heard voices over the speakers, calling for electricians. And then the operator on the phone tried to calm us. "Take it easy, and stay right where you are." --Melissa Munro, Pictou, N.S. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
In a restaurant, I noticed a family come in, obviously enthralled with their new baby. When the mother smiled at me, I went over to chat. Being of Chinese origin, I offered them my card in case the family wanted help in maintaining ties to their adopted daughter's Chinese background. "How is your family adapting to the new baby?" I asked. "Wonderfully," the mother beamed. "But her grandfather is afraid that when she begins to speak, we won't be able to understand what she's saying." --Brenda Lee, St. Lambert, (from Life's Like That, 1999) 33
On a visit to Winnipeg, our friend Alice walked from her hotel to a department store to buy a gift to take to a dinner party she was to attend. She took longer than anticipated and realized she'd have to hurry to get to the party on time. Just as she left the store and got to the curb, a car drove up. Alice opened the back door and assisted an elderly woman out, then got in the back. She asked the driver to hurry to her hotel. The car made good time through the traffic, and as it pulled up at the hotel, Alice thanked the driver and asked how much she owed. "Nothing, ma'am. This is a private car. And thanks for helping my mother out of the car at the store." --Hugh D. Halkett, St. Albert, Alta. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
I phoned my mother, who was baby-sitting my two rambunctious kids while my wife and I were out for the evening. "So is the baby-sitting going well?" I asked. "The baby part is fine," she replied, "but I haven't done any sitting since you left." --David Dehaas, New Liskeard, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
We were on vacation and lost in Havana, Cuba. Spotting some other tourists, we decided to ask if they could help us. One woman in our foursome, Jackie, spoke French, so we thought it best for her to ask. "Bonjour, parlez-vous français?" she asked. "Nein, sprechen Sie Deutsch?" the man responded. Jackie shook her head and turned to go. But then the man said, "How about English?" --Diane Fleming, Calgary (from Life's Like That, 1999)
After a family meal at my brother's, he and I were doing the dishes when his wife cautioned us to be careful with the crystal. When she was out of earshot, I confided to my brother that I couldn't really tell crystal from glass. "Oh, that's easy," he replied. "I go by the look on Zita's face when I handle it." --Elizabeth Hobbs, Springdale, Nfld. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
My friend and I returned to his car after shopping and discovered he'd left his keys in the ignition. A passerby stopped and offered us a wire coat hanger, which Jamie slid into the window casing, then popped the lock. "This hanger's great!" Jamie exclaimed. "I'm going to keep one in the car in case this ever happens again." --Wanda Yates, Baie d'Urfé, Que. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
Although I now live in Ontario, I was born and raised in Montreal. One day my husband and I were discussing our wills, and I suggested we state that we wanted to be buried beside my parents and 34
grandparents in a Montreal cemetery. "Sure, that's okay for you," my husband objected, "you can speak French." --June Marwood, Peterborough, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
I had ordered lunch to take up to my room in the hotel to avoid the smoky restaurant. As I was waiting, an RCMP officer arrived and asked the waitress for a table for three, nonsmoking. "How about there," she said, pointing to a table in the corner, "and it's up to you whether you smoke or not." --Teresa Roberts, Weymouth, N.S. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
The day before we were to return home from our vacation in Florida, we went out for dinner. We loved the dressing on our salad so much that I asked the waiter if we could have the recipe. He checked with the cook and returned to tell us to come back the next day and he'd give it to us. We left him a sizable tip. When we returned, he slipped me the recipe. We had dinner in the restaurant again, and once more I left the waiter a substantial tip. We later noticed that one of the ingredients in the recipe was Dijon mustard, so we bought a jar before we left. When we finally got home we saw on the label on the back of the jar -- the same recipe for which we'd paid so dearly. --E.K. McIntosh, McAdam, N.B. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
As I approached my husband-to-be at the front of the church, I noticed tears in his eyes. I knew he was about to break down. To lighten the moment I made some outrageous faces at him. It worked! The ceremony proceeded smoothly and I was proud of my quick thinking-until I saw the video. --Rosalie Graham, Airdrie, Alta. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
Waiting in my car at a road construction site, I noticed a bewildered, elderly lady looking at a house across the street. Immediately a good-looking, bare-chested young man in a hard hat went to her aid, took her arm and guided her around all the obstacles to the other side. After he'd rejoined the road crew, I watched the lady, a smile on her face, a spring in her step, walk down the block and turn at the next intersection. --Pam Horak, Kelowna, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999) My friend had gone to visit her great aunt, who was celebrating her 90th birthday. As she was admiring the many cards and presents she had received, her aunt pointed to one of the gifts. Referring to the giver, the aunt stated, "I know she means well, but that gift would be more appropriate for someone old." --Carolyn Hilborn Vasco, Cambridge, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
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My aunt had assured her friend that her family of six would all eat spaghetti. While the hostess was out of the room, four-year-old Dorothy brought her plate from the children's table and announced that she couldn't eat it. My aunt quickly split it between her husband and herself. On their way home, Dorothy explained why she hadn't eaten the spaghetti: The dog had been licking it. --Brenda Munro, Calgary (from Life's Like That, 1999)
After a day of sightseeing in Barcelona, I was amazed at the differences between Spanish culture and ours -from the slower pace of daily life to the way people dressed up just to visit the corner store. However, I also witnessed similarities. Outside a cathedral, one exasperated mother just couldn't get her toddler to go up the walkway with her. Although I couldn't understand her rapid-fire words, I understood the exasperation in her tone. And I didn't need to know the language at all to understand the mother's final threat: "Uno...dos...tres...." --Cynthia Gould, Toronto (from Life's Like That, 1999)
The pants my husband bought needed shortening. Since I was busy, he used another pair to measure them against and pinned them himself. He had just finished running them through the sewing machine when I went in carrying a pair of pants in my hand. "Why were these on the bed?" I asked. "I used them to measure the length," he explained. "Why?" "They're mine," I said. --Jane E. Smith, Sarnia, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
By the week before our twins were born, I had already prepared a lot of food in order to simplify cooking for the first few weeks after the babies arrived. One day I was making corned beef, and because I had no saltpetre, the ingredient that gives corned beef its pink colour, I drove over to the drugstore. As I entered the store slowly and awkwardly, holding my 14-month-old son and shepherding my 21/2-yearold son in front, our druggist greeted me cheerfully. When I asked him for saltpetre, he blushed and blurted, "It doesn't work, you know." --Twila Woods, Victoria (from Life's Like That, 1999)
During our daughter's wedding, the pastor asked the groom, "Do you take this woman as your wedded wife?" Before he could reply, the groom's four-year-old niece answered loud and clear, "Absolutely!" --Anne Schnurr, Val des Bois, Que. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
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A friend of ours from another city was on her way to our house when suddenly she realized she had made a wrong turn. She stopped and asked a lady for directions. "Go back down this road through a couple of traffic lights," she was instructed, "then stop and ask someone else." --Kerry Barnum, Waterloo, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
I had just bought a set of convex mirrors, the small circular ones that adhere to a car's sideview mirrors. I thought they'd help me to see things when backing up or making lane changes on the highway. I put them on right away in the parking lot and marvelled at how much more I could see. Then I backed the car up into the pole behind me. --Brian Fairbrother, Courtenay, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
My husband and I were at a car dealer's, shopping for a new van, when I noticed an older couple admiring the same one I was looking at. The husband turned to his wife and said, "Well, you said we should start enjoying life and spending some of our retirement money." "Yes," she replied, "but I was talking about buying a new toaster!" --June Huber, Celista, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
My mom and dad had bought a potato-and-onion bin at an out-of-town craft show, and I really liked it. Having just moved into my own apartment, I decided to ask for one for Christmas. Much to my delight on Christmas morning, there beside the tree was a replica of their bin. "Where did you manage to find the exact same one?" I asked. Dad, a handyman, turned the bin over to show me the bottom. There he had painted "Copied Right by Joe." --Heather Parent, Brantford, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
"What would you like?" my wife asked as she prepared the evening meal. "Tuna, salmon, chicken, beef or liver?" Surprised and pleased by this unusual opportunity to make a selection from such an extensive dinner menu, I replied, "Beef would be nice for a change, thank you." "Oh," she said, "I wasn't talking to you, I was asking the cat. We're having soup." --C. Redden, Halifax (from Life's Like That, 1999)
One day the children and their friends were having a great time in the pool. But after a few hours, the screaming kids, splashing water, toys strewn everywhere and dirty dishes got to me. My arms laden with stuff, I went into the house, took a deep breath and let out a heavy sigh. I thought I was alone until a small voice observed, "Sometimes my mom deflates like that, too." --Lynn Rafferty, Montreal (from Life's Like That, 1999) 37
Newly married, my bride and I were in separate rooms doing household chores. Needing some assistance, I asked my wife to help. She was obviously feeling a tad pressured by her new responsibilities because she replied: "I can't do everything -- I'm not a mom yet!" --Todd Zimmer, Regina (from Life's Like That, 1999)
A number of guests from out of town who were attending my granddaughter's confirmation were to meet at my daughter's row house so they could get directions to the church. When one of my other daughters arrived at the house after a two-hour drive with her year-old baby, she rushed in, dropped the baby with the couple sitting at the kitchen table, said who she was and ran upstairs to the bathroom. When she came down, she commented on how nicely her sister had redone the bathroom. "This isn't your sister's place," the amused lady said. "It's next door." --M. McCallum, Hamilton (from Life's Like That, 1999)
A nervous passenger, my sister-in-law often unconsciously attempts to slow the car by stomping her foot on the floorboard. After an hour of stop-and-start driving in an unfamiliar city, my brother patiently said: "Honey, this is a standard. If you don't use the clutch, you'll stall the car." --Brian C. Varty, Kimberley, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
Strangely, it was only on Saturdays that the water suddenly ran cold in my morning shower. I soon discovered, however, that my wife of just a few short months chose the same time to run the dishwasher. I explained to her what happened to the water temperature when both ran at the same time and asked if she'd delay washing the dishes until I was finished. She agreed. The following Saturday the water turned cold on me again. When I went down to the kitchen, I discovered my wife was true to her word: She hadn't turned on the dishwasher-but just then she emerged from the basem*nt, where she had put a load of clothes in the washing machine. --Winson Woo, Markham, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
Determined to lose weight, I decided to join a fitness class that met three times a week. But no matter how much I pleaded, my husband, Keith, refused to join me. As the weeks went by, my excuses for missing most of the classes became more and more creative. On the morning of another day of exercise hooky, Keith said, "If I'd known you were going to miss this many classes, I'd have joined with you." --Jane Kerr, Calgary (from Life's Like That, 1999)
I told my 11-year-old daughter to telephone the pet store when the hamster we had bought there an hour earlier started chewing feverishly on its leg. She was told the hamster should be taken to a veterinarian right away. I was outraged, knowing the bill for the vet would be greater than the cost of the hamster, so I asked Ali to call the pet store again and hand the phone to me. 38
"Were you just speaking to my daughter about her sick hamster?" I asked. "Yes," came the reply. "Have you any idea how expensive a visit to the vet will be?" I ranted. "You had better either replace the hamster or pay the vet bill!" I demanded. "Gee, ma'am," came the meek reply, "we're just a television repair store." --Barbara Roden, Delta, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
Although I am legally blind, I get around quite easily. One afternoon as I was leaving a building, a man in front of me said, "Hello." Being a friendly sort, I responded with "Hello." "How are you?" he asked. "I'm fine. How are you?" I replied. But then the conversation took a strange turn and it didn't make any sense to me. That's when I realized-the man was speaking on his cell phone. --Alison McCoubrey, Winnipeg (from Life's Like That, 1999)
I accompanied my husband when he accepted a contract to work in Rome. At first I struggled in my limited Italian at our local stores, particularly the butcher shop. The butcher always seemed to find my hand signals and mixed-up words very funny. But by the end of the year, I had progressed with the language enough to order my day's meals. Just before moving back home, I went to say good-bye to my butcher. He smiled. "Your Italian has improved very well," he said in perfect English. "I'm proud of you." --Laura Laferté, Delta, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 2000) "Have you ever had a mental block when you're trying to spell a word?" I asked my husband. I told him that I had wanted to withdraw $40 that day from our account, but I couldn't remember if 40 was spelled "fourty" or "forty." "What did you do?" he asked. "I took out $50." --Brenda Smith, St. Thomas, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
I mentioned to my wife one morning that, according to a newspaper article I was reading, women live on average seven years longer than men. She paused in her chores and mused, "That's because it takes seven years to clean up after they've gone." --Bill Astbury, Surrey, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
Shopping for groceries, I couldn't reach the Diet Pepsi I wanted on a top shelf. I noticed a tall gentleman passing by, pushing a wheeled platform, and asked for his assistance. "My boss wouldn't like it," he said, "but I'll do it anyway." Curious, I asked, "Why?" "Because," he smiled, "I work for co*ke." --Beverly Druzin, Montreal (from Life's Like That, 2000) 39
While on a trip to Ukraine, our tour group had many opportunities to enjoy the wonderful local food and drink. As I dressed for dinner one evening, I complained to my roommate about my appearance-my top looked terrible, with all the lumps and bumps showing. "We all look like that," she consoled me, "with all the money belts and pouches we wear underneath." "But I'm not wearing any!" I wailed. --Orysia Tracz, Winnipeg (from Life's Like That, 2000)
Before we met, my husband, Ian, was asked by my brother to be best man at his wedding in Alberta. Never having had this honour before, Ian asked what his duties would be. My brother said he had everything under control, but "my sister is coming from Ontario to be at the wedding. Maybe you could show her around and kind of look after her." Ian delights in telling everyone that at the time, he didn't realize my brother meant for the rest of my life. --Paula Duff, Alliston, Ont (from Life's Like That, 2000)
Just after buying a new riding lawnmower, I volunteered to cut the grass so my husband, Tom, could do other things. Two hours later Tom returned just as I finished the job. I was quite proud of myself until I noticed the odd look on his face. As he walked over to the machine, he pointed to the blade and announced, "You didn't lower it!" --Carol Hunt, Calgary (from Life's Like That, 2000)
My brother's daughters, Bonnie, five, and Kelly, seven, returned home from a shopping trip with their mom wearing new shoes. My brother and I decided to go down to the river to fish, and the girls said they'd like to come, too. "Okay, but change your shoes," their mom said. While we were walking through mud down on the riverbank, Kelly exclaimed: "Bonnie! Mom's going to be mad! She told you to change shoes!" "I did," Bonnie said. "These are yours." --Gerald Duffy, Moncton, N.B. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
As we drove through the Appalachian Mountains in the Allegheny National Forest in Pennsylvania, every bend in the road brought a new vista of mountains and valleys. I was snapping photos from the car window, commenting on the view. Oblivious to it all, my teenage son and his friend were engrossed in a video game. I urged them to enjoy the beauty. Their heads swivelled in tandem as they regarded our surroundings. In unison they muttered, "Wow!" then turned back to their game. --Nancy Ruth, Lynden, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
My husband, a funeral director, was at work one day when our daughter, Patricia, was in a car accident. Coming out of shock, Patricia found a lady hovering over her. "Is there anything I can do?" the woman asked. 40
"Call Anderson's Funeral Home," Patricia moaned. The lady looked surprised. "Oh, you'll be all right, dear," she reassured her. --Kay Anderson, Windsor (from Life's Like That, 2000)
Finished trying on a number of pairs of work boots at the shoe store, my husband made his selection. He sorted the ones on the floor, repacked them in their boxes and then bought the ones he'd chosen. About a month later he took them out for the first time, only to discover he had two left boots. When he went back to the store, the clerk beamed. "We've been waiting for you!" --Ann Marie Wright, Espanola, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
Not quite grasping the sanctity of "Hockey Night in Canada," I plunked myself next to my new husband one Saturday night to chat. He was distracted by the action on TV, and after being shushed a few times, I gave him a "look." Immediately contrite, he picked up the remote. "I'm sorry, honey," he apologized, "I'm being rude. You go ahead and talk-I'll just turn up the volume." --C. Epp, Grunthal, Man. (from Life's Like That, 2000)
After months of anticipation, the day finally arrived for the birth of our first child. My husband, Mark, and I drove to the hospital, and after a long and exhausting labour, our beautiful baby girl was born. "Congratulations!" the doctor exclaimed. "That was the hardest labour you'll ever have to go through." "Apparently," Mark observed, "you've never hung wallpaper." --Jennifer Higgins, Erskine, Alta (from Life's Like That, 2000)
When my wife successfully ran her first full-length marathon, I sent her 26 roses, one for each mile. She was delighted. A little later, smiling, she asked, "Next time, would you mind counting in kilometres?" --Scott Brockie, Mississauga (from Life's Like That, 2000)
While dieting I begged my husband to keep me away from a particular restaurant that served the best fishand-chips on the East Coast. Strangely, that was the food I craved most. After one particularly torturous week of dieting, I got into bed for the night and snuggled next to my husband. Needing encouragement, I said, "Now's a good time to say those three little words that mean so much." "Fish-and-chips?" he guessed. --Christine Little, Mahone Bay, N.S. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
Out shopping one day, I noticed a couple looking at some ceiling tiles. I mentioned to them that I had some left over from my garage sale the week before and would sell them for $1.20 each. In the event they were interested, I gave them my name and home address and told them to stop by. The tiles were outside. 41
The next day I returned home from an errand and found a note in my mailbox. It read: "We met yesterday at the store. We came by and took 18 ceiling tiles. We haggled you down to $15. Hope that's okay." --Alan M. L. Gurney, Winnipeg (from Life's Like That, 1999)
Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture no small feat for a non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a pink rubber dinosaur my four-year-old son's. I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before. As I pondered what to do next, Adam walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the pink dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working. "Did you get the green one?" he asked. --Keith Wilson, Toronto (from Life's Like That, 1999)
It seemed that all of our major appliances chose the same week to break down, and the subsequent repairs had stretched our patience and budget to the limit. So when, after I had picked up the kids from school, my Jeep began making strange rattling sounds, I decided that rather than burden my husband with yet another problem, I would deal with it. I hadn't reckoned on my little tattletales, however: They rushed into the house with the news. "Daddy, the Jeep was breaking down, but Mom made the noise stop!" Impressed, my husband looked at me and asked the question I feared: "How did you fix it?" "I turned up the volume on the radio," I admitted. --Ruth ten Veen, Summerland, B.C (from Life's Like That, 1999)
I had answered the phone and explained to the caller that my mom couldn't come to the phone because she was in the middle of hanging wallpaper. Could I take a message, I asked. The man said that a message wasn't necessary; could I please just answer the door. He had been ringing and ringing our doorbell, but no one was answering. He was now calling from his car phone. I was puzzled because my mother and I were just on the other side of the door in the hallway and had heard nothing. I peeked out the front window, then chuckled. "Do you drive a grey car?" I asked the caller. He did. "Hang up," I told him, "and cross the street. You're in our neighbour's driveway." --Nadia Kovachis, Thunder Bay (from Life's Like That, 1999)
One day I stopped by to visit my friend, the mother of two teenage daughters. Through the screen door I was aghast to hear her say: "I've really had it with you two and your boyfriends! As soon as I get the money, I'm getting you both fixed!" I was greatly relieved to find out she was talking to her dog, nursing eight puppies, and to her very pregnant cat. --M. J. McColl, Rockyford, Alta. (from Life's Like That, 1999) 42
Before he left for work in his own car one frosty morning, my husband took my keys and started my car to warm it up. Five minutes later I left the house, burdened with briefcase, purse and a box of files, looking forward to climbing into a warm car. Unfortunately, he had locked the doors. --K. Augustine, Thunder Bay (from Life's Like That, 1999) I'm the oldest of 11 children, some attending university, others taking different career paths. One day I asked my father if he was disappointed some of us weren't becoming doctors or lawyers or other highly regarded professionals. He looked at me gravely. "There are only three things that your mother and I want from you," he said. "We want you to finish high school. We want you to be good Catholics..." "And you want us out of the house," I guessed. He paused. "Your mother and I want only four things from you kids...." --Michelle Brockman, Garden Hill, Man. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
After 15 years of marriage and four children, my husband, Stephen, returned to school to get a law degree. He used to help around the house, but we all decided to chip in with the chores to make life easier for him. At the end of his second year, the vacuum cleaner died, the washing machine broke and the water pump went. All were replaced or mended. Towards the end of his third year, I realized I was exhausted and sorely in need of some support from him. Stephen insisted he had been helping all along, but he agreed to do the washing that night. Later, he came out of the laundry room and asked, "When did we get the new washing machine?" --Kerstin Boyce, Fall River, N.S. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
Because my daughter always complained that she didn't have any sharp knives, I bought her some. I phoned later and asked how she liked them. "They're terrific!" she replied enthusiastically. "I've already cut myself four times!" --Mary Hobbs, Coquitlam, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
Having travelled over 8,000 kilometres to visit Prince Edward Island, my husband and I didn't expect to meet anyone we knew. However, the tour guide at Green Gables looked at us closely and asked, to our great surprise, where in the Yukon we were from. After we told her, she exclaimed: "I thought I recognized you! I lived next door to you when I was six years old!" We then recognized the features of our son's Grade I playmate, and I was just about to remark on what a fine young woman she had grown into when she continued, "But you used to be so tall!" --Kathleen Miller, Whitehorse, Y.T. (from Life's Like That, 1998) 43
While I was enjoying a moment's quiet in my family's favourite rocking chair, I noticed our dog, Fluffy, nearby, occasionally looking up at me. Finally she got up, went to the front door and tapped it with her pawher notice that she needed to go outside. I unlocked the door and started to open it. That's when Fluffy scampered back to the rocking chair, leaped up, settled down and "grinned" triumphantly back at me. --B. Esselmont, Winnipeg (from Life's Like That, 1998)
I called my mother and father at my brother's home to see how they were getting along baby-sitting their grandchildren for the week. They both picked up extension phones at the same time. Mother sounded frantic; Father sounded anxious. When I asked what was wrong, Mother explained: "The boys were misbehaving, and your father grounded them." Consolingly, I suggested that the boys would survive. But Mother sighed and said, "He's not punishing them, he's punishing us!" --AnnaBella Mendes, Peterborough, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
Folding fitted sheets correctly was not one of the chores at which my husband, Wayne, excelled. Once again at the Laundromat he handed me a crumpled lump that wouldn't even fit on our shelf. I asked him to redo it. Muttering to himself, he walked back to the table where another man was folding clothes. The man leaned over to Wayne and whispered, "If you didn't bring her, you wouldn't have to do it her way." --B. D. Dickson-McGhie, Calgary (from Life's Like That, 1998)
Our teenagers found the electronic door-entry system to our new car intriguing and had no trouble remembering the numeric code. I used the remote-control unlock. One day after dropping off my daughter, I returned to the car and found my remote wasn't working. I had to go back inside to ask my daughter for the code. That evening on hearing about the incident, the kids quickly pointed out something I'd overlooked. I could have used the key. --Eileen Snyder, Hagersville, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
My 100-year-old great-grandmother loves to tell stories. One day when my sister and I were visiting, Granny got confused with some of the details in a story she was telling us. Finally she said, "I guess you're allowed to get a little confused when you're 101." "But, Granny," I protested, "you're only 100." "Are you sure?" she asked.
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Laughing, we reminded her of the big birthday celebration we'd had the month before. Dismayed, Granny shook her head. "That's funny," she said, "I'm feeling very 101 today." --Matthew Davis, Edmonton (from Life's Like That, 1998)
After spending considerable time in a department store choosing a plant with lots of blossoms and buds for his mother, my brother's friend carried it to the cashier. Pleased with his choice, he told her that it should last a long time. "It should," she agreed. "It's artificial." --Helen Prowse, Halifax (from Life's Like That, 1998)
While renovating the kitchen, we just couldn't settle on a floor covering, and having four young children made it an important decision. For weeks we brought home sample after sample of linoleum. One day my five-year-old looked through the most recent stack of floor coverings. Pulling out one grey-speckled piece, he announced, "This looks like dirt." Our choice was made. --K. Shaw, Invermere, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
My husband and daughter had already flown to St. John's, Nfld., to visit our families a couple of days earlier. Now I was dashing to make my flight. I finished work at 1:10 p.m.; my plane was leaving at 2:20. I drove to the airport and, to save time, pulled up in front of the terminal doors, turned off the engine, put on the emergency flashers, grabbed my luggage and went to check in before I parked. On the return flight, minutes before we landed, my husband asked me where I had parked the car. I thought a moment, then froze. I had checked my luggage all right-and then gone straight to the plane! We paid a hefty towing charge. --Renée Blundon, Eastern Passage, N.S. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
During a serious discussion with my two teenage daughters, I mentioned that a friend of mine was renting a room to a pregnant 15-year-old. My youngest, Katie, exclaimed in surprise: "I'm 15, and my biggest concern is what I'm going to wear tomorrow!" My other daughter, Isla, added: "I'm 17, and my biggest concern is also what Katie's going to wear tomorrow-'cause it's usually mine!" --Marjorie McPherson, Huntsville, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
For 30 futile minutes on a Friday night I searched the mall's parking lot for my car before I unhappily called the police to report it stolen. I made an insurance claim, and I got a rental. Because I had some time to spare before church on Sunday morning, I went back to the mall to do some shopping. And there, all by itself in the parking lot, was my unlocked car. --Brigitte J. Boettcher, Kitchener (from Life's Like That, 1998) 45
Both my friend Doris and her son, Daniel, hate to get up in the morning. When Doris's husband had called her for the third time one morning, she said: "I know what time it is. I know I have to get up. I know what time we have to leave, and I'll be ready." He moved on to Daniel's bedroom, and after he'd called him, too, for the third time, Daniel sleepily mumbled, "Same thing Mom said." --Barbara Meadus, Harbour Grace, Nfld. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
Three times in the past I have had to run errands, leaving my husband to take the bread I was baking out of the oven when the timer went off. And each time I returned home to burned bread-he'd gone off to different parts of the house and hadn't heard the timer. Once again my bread was baking and I was going out. This time, however, we agreed that he'd carry the timer in his pocket. He set his wristwatch alarm, too. On my return I saw Robert mowing the lawn. The alarms had gone off, but over the noise he hadn't heard them, and the bread was burning in the oven. --Patricia Marsh, Victoria (from Life's Like That, 1998)
Because our birthdays are two days apart, my sister, Glenda, and I have always celebrated together. One year we decided not to exchange gifts, but still get together as often as possible. We live in different provinces. That year Glenda landed at my home with a gift as usual. "I thought we weren't going to exchange gifts," I reminded her. "We aren't," she replied. "You didn't give me anything." --Charlene Daley (Bathurst, N.B.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
In the process of updating my will, I wanted to discuss some of the personal items with my children. My 17year-old daughter was home, so I began with her. "I have two wedding bands, so you and your sister will each have one. Then there's a string of pearls and my engagement ring. Which would you prefer?" With a lump in my throat, I watched her struggle for words. "Which," she finally asked, "would fetch the most money?" --Pauline Cusack (Borden, P.E.I.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
When there was an unexpected knock on the door, I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?" "Parcel post, delivering a package for the Drexhages." 46
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. He held it up. "That's odd," I said. "Where's your truck?" He pointed to a truck up the road. "Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced. "Ma'am," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door. --Twila Drexhage (Nanaimo, B.C.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
My Dad was initially aghast that my sister had ordered a buffalo burger in the restaurant where we were having dinner. But then with a smile he advised her, "Well, whatever you do, don't eat the chips." --Paul Hughes (North Vancouver) (from Life's Like That, 1997) My son's kindergarten teacher asked me, a potter, to help the children make clay spoon rests as a present for their moms. A few parents agreed to help. The parents were late the day of the workshop, so I started without them. The kids were pounding and slapping clay when they arrived. The parents jumped right in, helping to smooth the cracks and edges. I was pleased with their efforts and after we had completed the work, one of the most helpful moms asked, "What did we just make?" --Brigitte Schulzki (Emo, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
It was my family's turn to handle the janitorial duties that month at our small country church. Because we knew there was to be a wedding one Saturday, we waited until 6 p.m. before we went to the church to do our chores. We were surprised to find the doors unlocked and the lights on, but were pleased there was no confetti and very little mess to clean up. In no time we had the chairs and tables back in place, the decorations removed, lights out, doors locked, with everything ready for the Sunday morning service. At 8 p.m. we were at home. That's when we heard the car horns from the seven o'clock wedding that had taken place in our church's parking lot. --Brian Barry (Saint John, N.B.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
Everything about the quiet country inn where we were dining was wonderful-the view, the service, the food. To complete a perfect meal, the dessert menu featured deep-dish apple pie served with a slice of cheese, a personal favourite. "Is it old cheese?" I asked our waitress. "Oh, no, sir," she exclaimed, a look of horror on her face. "I'm sure they just opened the package." --Ralph Pearce (St. Mary's, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
My sister-in-law was upset by the manner in which the company truck in the lane next to her was being driven. On the back of it she noticed a sign with a request to call if the truck was being operated in an unsafe manner. Using her cell phone, she did just that. After listening for a minute, the man who answered the phone asked, "Lady, are you driving a black Park Avenue?" It was the driver of the truck, answering his cell phone. 47
--Violet Wakaruk (Vegreville, Alta.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
I paid attention when I heard my 15-year-old son on the phone, speaking in his very best telephone voice. He had said his father wasn't in and could he take a message. He scrambled for paper and pencil, wrote down the message and said good-bye. I complimented him on his excellent telephone technique and then had a look at the message. It read: Is there a better time to call him? --Elizabeth H. Wallace (Mississauga) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
Before we got to the hospital, my husband, Richard, an electrical engineer, was concerned when my labour pains were not as regular as he expected. He grew more agitated as we progressed through hospital admission, and got positively twitchy as the doctor and nurse speculated how soon the delivery would be, given the difficulty of predicting with first-time mothers. Only when the fetal heart-rate monitor was hooked up and Richard had examined it did he calm down. Afterwards, he admitted: "I wasn't worried about the baby; I was just so glad to see that machine. It was the only thing in this whole process that worked to exact specifications." --Margaret K. Brandon (Winnipeg) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
A co-worker was giving me a lift home, and I noticed a bright ribbon tied to the aerial on her car. Curious, I asked if it was there to protest about something. "No," she replied, "it's so I can find my car in the parking lot at the mall." --Christopher Papiernik (Courtenay, B.C.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
Keeping in touch with my mother meant a long-distance call to England, and we decided to alternate calling each other on a weekly basis. One Sunday morning, on my week to call, the phone rang just as I reached for it. It was my mother. "Hello, Mom, I was just about to call you." "Well, hurry up, I'm waiting," she admonished. And then she hung up. --Martin Negus (Prince Rupert, B.C.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
We had made arrangements with our friend Dave to send us directions to his new house on our newly installed fax machine. At the appointed time we sat in front of the computer. The phone rang but, not wanting to interfere with the fax machine, we didn't answer. For some reason there was no message from Dave. Again the phone rang and rang. Finally the computer indicated that a fax had been received. "Turn off the fax and answer the phone! I need to talk to you." It was signed "Dave." --Lucie Rivet (Hamilton) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
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As he was trying on new shoes, my son-in-law mentioned to the clerk that he used to be a shoe salesman. She asked what he was doing now, and he replied that he was pastoring a church. "That's a big change, isn't it?" she said. "No," he answered, "just different souls." --Rose Gage (Kanata, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
My parents took great pride in creating wonderful Halloween costumes for my brother and me. One year they made us cloth-covered wire-frame pumpkin suits. As our family size increased, there was less time for creativity and the pumpkin suits were recycled for a number of years. Finally my brother and I refused to go out as pumpkins one more time. My mother grabbed two green garbage bags, cut the appropriate holes and pulled them on over the wire frames. "There," she said. "Now you're squash." --Heather Kilner (Toronto) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
After our daughter left our home in Ontario for Vancouver to start her first job, my husband turned to me sadly. "Gee, I really prayed she'd get a full-time job," he sighed. "But I guess I didn't specify in what province." --Josie McLaughlin (Sudbury) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
While trying on clothing in a depart ment-store dressing room, I could hear the conversation between two ladies in the next cubicle. "You know," said one, "I thought my looks were improving with age, then I realized my eyesight is deteriorating." --N. Warnes (Vancouver) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
I had been trying for some time to lose weight and was very conscious of the fat content in many foods. One evening when some friends and my son and daughter-in-law were visiting, one friend wondered aloud about the fat content in a particular food. "Ask Mom," my daughter-in-law said, "she's the fat lady." --Elizabeth Wessner (Prince George, B.C.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
Because I was concerned he was driving to the cottage in remote country late in the fall, I packed my son a lunch, warm clothing and a blanket in case he needed it. He was appreciative but thought I was being overprotective. However, when he returned a few days later, he said he was glad I had packed the blanket. "I'm glad it kept you warm," I said. "Oh, no," he replied. "I needed traction for an icy patch of road, so I tore the blanket into pieces to wrap around the tires." --P. Elizabeth Walker (Surrey, B.C.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
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As my sister-in-law, Esther, was packing her car to go home after a weekend at the family farm, her twoyear-old daughter scrambled into the car and promptly locked all the doors. The keys were in the ignition, and they were the only set Esther had brought. My niece's fingers were too small to pull the door locks up, and as we adults stood around discussing what we should do, my four-year-old nephew told his sister to roll the window down. --Diane Huard (North Battleford, Sask.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
When my wife was brought back to the recovery room after surgery, I leaned down to tell her that I couldn't kiss her because I was afraid I was coming down with something. She opened her eyes, smiled and said: "You go right home. The hospital is no place for a sick person." --Will Reese (Edmonton) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
I decided to wash some of my husband's fishing gear, but I couldn't get his jacket to go under the water in the washing machine. When he came home and saw what I was doing, he started laughing. "Honey," he said, "you're trying to sink my floater jacket!" --Paulette LeBlanc (Digby Co., N.S.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
One day when I was about nine years old, my 80-year-old grandmother came to stay with us for a few days. After she had settled in, my mom went downstairs to do laundry. My brother and I were upstairs, running and laughing. Suddenly, in a stern voice, Mom called me downstairs. With finger wagging accusingly, she said: "You two have to be quiet! Grandma's tired and wants to rest." "But...but Mom," I sputtered, "Grandma's chasing us!" --Brenda M. Born (Winnipeg) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
My sister Diane, whose birthday is in April, is a royalty buff, and when I found a funny card with Queen Victoria on it, I bought it even though it was only August. When my three sisters and I gathered in October to celebrate Chris's birthday, she described, when Diane left the room, the perfect card she had found for her. I realized it was the same one I had bought. Then Sylvia laughed and told us that she, too, had chosen that card. We had all bought the same card for the same sister six months before the event. --Nancy Vos (Brantford, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1997) I had nodded off in the car in a parking lot. Suddenly I was startled awake by a young lady urgently rapping on the car. Groggily, I rolled the window down. "Excuse me," she said, "but are you all right?" "Yes, I was just having forty winks while waiting for my wife," I replied. "Oh, drat!" she exclaimed. "I've just finished a resuscitation course, and I hoped I could practise on you." 50
--A. W. Barker, Summerland, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
In a happily romantic mood, I murmured to my wife, "Nancy, what would I do without you?" Her quick response brought me down to earth. "Laundry." --Larry Anta, Whitby, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
I was delighted to find a favourite of mine, liver and onions, on the menu at a small restaurant my wife and I stopped at during our vacation. But I was disappointed to discover when it arrived that it was almost like leather and resisted my efforts to cut it. Our waitress, noticing my difficulty, approached. I expected she'd offer to replace my meal. "Just a minute, sir," she said, "and I'll bring you a sharper knife." --C. S. Redden, Halifax (from Life's Like That, 1998)
One evening while we were dining in a restaurant, a waiter strode through our section asking, "Does anyone here drive a red New Yorker?" We assumed its headlights had been left on. "Yes!" an elderly gentleman in a neighbouring booth responded emphatically. His wife reacted instantly. "Herb! You don't drive a red New Yorker!" Looking chagrined, he replied, "Oh, I thought the waiter said, 'Is anyone here ready to order?'" --Judith Janzen, Ridgeville, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
For decades my balding, fine hair has been cut the same way. One day I pointed to Paul's sign in his barber shop and said to him, "Your sign says you're a hair stylist." When he nodded, I continued, "I want to change my hair style." "I'm a stylist," he objected, "not a magician." --Jim Davidson, Unionville, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
My sister, a single mom of three teenage girls, has an outstanding reputation in our area for her ability to stretch a dollar. Recently she was having some renovations done at her home, and the carpenter doing the work was also doing a job for a new fabric store. When he went to pick up some material for the store, he was asked who the bill was to be made out to. "The Cheap Sew and Sew," he answered. Only when he got to my sister's did he look at the bill: The clerk had written her name on it. --Sharon R. DeMerchant, Bristol, N.B. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
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The vendor selling frozen food door-to-door in our neighbourhood wears a cap with a small light attached to it so that at night he can better see his products. One evening my cousin's husband, standing inside their front door, had just finished tying his shoelaces and, straightening up, grabbed his sports bag and flung open the front door. Nose to nose with a stranger, a bright light shining in his face, he was taken aback. By the time he gathered his wits about him, he realized he'd ordered a ridiculous amount of food. The next time the salesman came by, my cousin answered the door. Not surprisingly, the vendor asked if her husband was at home. --Kathy Hamm, Three Hills, Alta. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
At a gathering of friends in our home one evening, we learned that the husband of one couple was pirating his wife away the next day to a surprise destination. The wife of another couple turned to her husband and asked, "Why don't you ever do that, Rick?" Rick turned to the other husband and asked how long he and his wife had been married. Told it was 20 years, Rick said to his wife: "Well, that explains it, dear. You have another ten years to go." --Joanne Duguay, Grand Falls, N.B. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
Because we had tied up our husky in the backyard before we left, I was surprised to see her tied up in front of the house when we returned home. Sam seemed happy to see us, but then we realized she wasn't our dog. Just then our neighbour called. "Sam got loose while you were out. I found her a few blocks away and brought her home." He sheepishly took the look-alike dog back to the area where he had found it. --Carolyn Sasseville (Azilda, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
I overheard my husband, Gary, tell our 12-year-old son about a game he had downloaded off the Internet. "It's a fishing game. I played it for only a few minutes and I caught two! But you should have seen the one that got away," he continued enthusiastically. "It was at least two megabytes!" --Kathy McCormack (Brampton, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
My co-worker, Bill, and I stopped at a small restaurant at the end of a tiring day. As an afterthought when he finished placing his order, Bill asked the young waitress what the vegetable was. "Turnip," she replied. He asked her to hold the turnip and give him an extra order of fries instead. She went back to the kitchen. A few minutes later she returned. "Mother says turnips are good for you." Bill ate them. --Andy Houser (Newmarket, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
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When my friend Gary and his wife rushed to the hospital for the birth of their child, Gary remained at the admitting desk to answer some questions while his wife was taken upstairs. Flustered, he had a hard time thinking straight. "What's your occupation?" he was asked. He couldn't remember. "What's your religion?" He couldn't recall that either. After a few minutes, however, it finally dawned on him. He's a minister. --Joan Wery (Thompson, Man.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
My brother-in-law, Don, was a tad rattled when he and my sister-in-law went to the funeral home to pay their condolences to the family of a friend. The minister asked if they were friends or relatives. "Oh, no," Don replied, "we're married." --Raymond D. Bush (Burlington) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
At the registry, my wife and I were asked to take a seat. The other men in the waiting room and I chatted about the big step we had all just taken. One fellow very seriously observed: "The most important thing is to know how to choose a wife. I've chosen for the third time now, and every time very successfully." --Guennadi Pinski (Vancouver) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
To tide me over until I could get to an optometrist, I asked the pharmacist at a drugstore if he could tell me which of the over-the-counter glasses most closely matched the prescription I had written on a slip of paper. "Madam, you really do need glasses," he smiled. "This is your dry-cleaning ticket." --Liisa Hypponen (Toronto) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
One morning my neighbour, Anita, with whom I was carpooling, told me she had prepared a dinner for guests she was expecting that evening. She had left a note for her daughter: "Take the lid off the roast and put it in the oven at 350º." When we arrived home that evening, her daughter ran out to greet us. "Did you put the roast in the oven?" Anita asked. Looking aghast, her daughter cried, "That's not what you asked me to do!" The lid was cooking in the oven. --Jill Day (Campbell River, B.C.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
On holiday in Europe, my wife and I set out early from Rome one day for the Adriatic coast, anticipating a stop for brunch. But at every restaurant we heard variations of "Vino, si; pasta, no." By 1:30 that afternoon we were ravenous! Finally we reached a promising restaurant, but its doors were locked.
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Because we heard dining sounds we knocked loudly and were graciously escorted through a labyrinth of populated alcoves. Attentive service and superb food followed. The festive clientele even toasted us several times. We later discovered we had crashed a private wedding party. --Tony Zanin (Ottawa) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
My son called me from his home to ask that I tape a TV movie for him that evening. As I was a "technically challenged" 40-year-old, he gave me detailed instructions on how to use the VCR. I was satisfied I had it down pat, and at the appropriate hour, I loaded the tape and followed his directions. When he came by to get it, however, he ejected the tape and discovered I had recorded his movie onto a head cleaner. He turned to me and laughed, "I don't know why you old people buy these machines." --Janet Venton (Thunder Bay) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
At the liquor store, I was examining two different-sized bottles of rum for my wife's Christmas fruit cakes. A cheerful young clerk approached me and asked if he could help. After I explained the purpose of my purchase, the fellow said: "May I suggest the larger size, sir. That way, you can have your cake and drink it, too." --Bob Pembroke (Dartmouth, N.S.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
I drove my 78-year-old grandmother to the hospital after she called to say she had hurt her finger. I stayed with her in the examining room while the doctor twisted and pulled Gram's finger back into place. It was painful for my grandmother so I gave her my hand to squeeze. I was wondering if Gram was okay when I suddenly realized I wasn't. Gram had to drive me home. --Susan Wilmot (Fredericton) (from Life's Like That, 1997) The front door was accidentally left open and Sandy, our dog, was gone. After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got in the car and went looking for him. He drove around the neighbourhood for some time with no luck. Finally he stopped beside a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen our dog. "You mean the one following your car?" they asked. --Barb Churchill, Qualicum Beach, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
For a special season in my life, I had the pleasure of being a full-time "Mr. Mom." During that time an acquaintance whom I hadn't seen for some time asked me what I did for a living. Sensitive to the question, I jokingly replied: "I'm the director of a residential unit, with primary responsibilities for the design and execution of life-style programs specifically targeted to a model family of four." 54
A week later I received a copy of his résumé in the mail. --James C. Tanner, Abbotsford, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
I felt like a million dollars in the new flowered silk dress I had bought to wear to my brother-in-law's wedding. Many people admired my outfit, telling me how elegant I looked. A week later while shopping, I saw my dress in the window of the store where I had bought it. The sign read nightgowns, half price. --Carley Ezewski, Listowel, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
While her husband was away on a business trip, my sister-in-law bought wallpaper with a nice fish design on it and papered the bathroom. When Jack returned home and used the bathroom, Mary waited for his comments. She heard him laugh, then say: "You put up new wallpaper, I see, but the fish are all dead." The wallpaper was upside-down, and the fish were belly-up. --Gary Grant, Bay Roberts, Nfld. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
Whenever my family and I go down south for holidays, people ask me if I'm Chinese. Our visit to a flea market in New Brunswick was no exception. "Are you Chinese?" asked a young girl. "No," I replied, "I'm an Inuk from Baffin Island in the Northwest Territories." Her face lit up and she excitedly exclaimed, "Hey, you're a true Canadian!" --Oleesia Wortman, Cape Dorset, N.W.T. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
At the hotel, about an hour before our friend's wedding, my husband discovered the pants to his suit were missing from the hanger. He raced out to a store and bought a new pair. When he returned to the hotel, Terry discovered a dress lying in the hall. He took it to the front desk. "Wow, what a day!" the receptionist declared. Just then, a lady came rushing up saying "That's my dress!" At that moment, Terry recognized what was hanging behind the desk. "...And those are my pants!" he added. --Cathy Zin, Fort Frances, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
My hearing test with the audiologist was over and I was waiting to see the doctor. I could hear the next patient having her test, and it seemed it was going well. "Repeat the word him," the technician said to the patient. 55
"Him?" asked the lady. "Do you mean with a 'y' or an 'i'?" --Susan Friesen, Thorold, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
The lady in the hospital bed next to mine told me her doctor had such a strong accent that she continually had to ask him to repeat himself. "After the third visit," she continued, "he began checking my ears." --Cathy Snider, Sarnia, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
On our first trip to British Columbia, my husband, Alex, and I became hopelessly lost in downtown Vancouver. Alex was loath to ask for directions, but after we both grew weary of walking, he reluctantly approached an outdoor newspaper vendor. After Alex explained our dilemma, the vendor walked into the sun at the edge of the sidewalk, turned his head from side to side, then gave us directions. Alex joined me a short distance away. "I don't believe I did that," he said. "The man who just gave me directions is blind." --Joyce Houston, Barrie, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
After she passed her driving test, my daughter and I started looking for a used car for her. One, an older model with low mileage, seemed in excellent condition. After the test drive, the owner, an elderly lady, asked how we liked it. "Good," I replied, "except when I stepped on the gas, it wouldn't go into passing gear." "Well, I wouldn't know," she replied. "I never passed anyone." --Cal Petty, Cambridge, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
On a Sunday morning, our church received a call telling us that the cows belonging to Mel, a vacationing parishioner, were out of their pasture. A group of volunteers was formed, and they went off to retrieve the cows and close the fence gate. They returned just as the service ended. The next week at church, Mel thanked everyone for their care and help. But he was, he said, surprised to find 20 extra cows in his pasture. --Randy Smart (Stuartburn, Man.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
One of my colleagues was trying to teach his two young sons to stay in their own beds at night when he was away on business trips. As he left on one trip, he reminded them, "Now you boys show Mom how brave you are and stay in your own rooms while I'm away." When he returned a few days later, he walked into the crowded airport reception area. His two young lads came running up to him, yelling: "Guess what, Dad? Nobody slept with Mom while you were gone!" 56
--Bernie J. Roy (Calgary) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
My sister and I never understood why our mother complained that she couldn't distinguish between our voices when we phoned. When I returned home from running errands one day, I listened to my messages on the answering machine. One call from my sister detailed the stops she was going to make that day, and I was surprised that I hadn't run into her. At the last sentence, though, I understood why my mother confused us. The message was one I had left for my husband. --Barbara Ashbee (Dundalk, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
While I waited for my sister so we could go grocery shopping together, I asked, "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes," she replied, "look in the cupboard and make me a list of what isn't there." --Doreen Beauchamp (Ottawa) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
For the first time, my husband was playing charades. He indicated he was going to act out one word, held up his hand and fluttered his fingers while moving his arm down. "Rain!" I called out. He shook his head no and went on to other pantomimes of his word. I gave up and took the word card from his hand. There, written in large letters, was the word reign. Puzzled, I said, "But Dennis, why did you say I was wrong?" "It wasn't spelled right," he explained. --Karen Moerman (Londonderry, N.S.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
Recovery was slow and painful after I broke my leg, but finally I was back at work. However, each step I took was in anticipation of the pain that would follow, and the end of each day's shift at the hospital was a blessing. Finally, sitting opposite my husband at breakfast on Friday morning, I said, "I'm sure glad the weekend's coming, for the sake of my leg." "Yes," he agreed. "It needs a break." --Lorraine Wall (Edmonton) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
The skies opened up just as my wife and I were leaving for a party a block away. We decided to drive through the torrential downpour, grabbed our umbrellas and dashed for the car. We drove past the house where the party was being held, but there were no parking spots. We drove up and down the side streets as the rain grew heavier and visibility grew worse. Finally we found a spot, got out of the car and discovered we were in front of our own house. 57
--Rorie Campbell (London, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
The corner of our neighbour's fence had been hit and damaged by careless drivers a number of times. My husband, Ralph, suggested he put a piece of angle iron at that spot and paint it the same colour as the fence. Then it would be the car that might be damaged. Our neighbour took Ralph's advice. And it worked! The fence survived the next hit, but there was a small dent in our truck. --Loree Baker (New Westminster, B.C.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
Because it was 1 a.m. and everyone was asleep when my sister Renee arrived from her home in another city at our sister Rose's house, she just settled down on the couch for the night. In the morning when my twoyear-old nephew, Eddie, woke up, he grabbed his bottle and blanket, went to the living room and curled up with Renee. A little later Rose came out of her bedroom. Eddie looked from Rose to Renee, back to Rose, and blurted out, "More Mom!" Rose and Renee are identical twins. --Julie Cairns (Tweed, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
Although I was seldom the driver in our car pool because I have a lack of depth perception, one morning I drove. I was travelling at a fair clip when suddenly I saw a deer on the road. I slammed on the brakes, and all the sleepy passengers were rudelyawakened. "Boy! That was close!" one of my co-workers exclaimed, gathering his wits about him. He glanced out the window, spied the deer still on the road and wryly observed, "Another half mile and you would have hit him." --Marlane Carlson (Dawson Creek, B.C.) (from Life's Like That, 1997) A year after we bought a Border collie, I trained him to take a stick from the living room to the bedroom. On Mother's Day I replaced the stick with a flower and sent him off. My wife woke up and exclaimed in delight: "Oh, my goodness! A collie-flower." --Paul F. Campeau (Regina) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
A wasp flew into the bus and began buzzing menacingly against the window next to me and the man seated ahead of me. For several unnerving minutes I debated what I should do until my fellow passenger decided to dispatch the insect with the paperback book he'd been reading. After several unsuccessful swats, one blow hit its mark. "I'm glad you got it," I told the man. He smiled sheepishly as he showed me the title of the book he had used: Random Acts of Kindness. --Linda Rhodes (Winnipeg) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
The retired minister who had arrived at my friends' downtown condo in midweek had mistakenly assumed he was coming for a prenuptial chat, not to perform the wedding ceremony. When the situation had been sorted out, the minister asked the groom, "So, do you want me to call you James or Jim in the ceremony?" 58
"Actually," the groom replied, "I'd prefer it if you called me Doug." --Muriel Honey, Vancouver (from Life's Like That, 1999)
My wife and I were making our own funeral arrangements, and the director showed us into a room in which containers for ashes were on display. After we looked at the choices, I asked my wife if she had decided. She sighed. "Yes, the wood-finish one, as it will likely go into the ground." After a moment's pause, however, she continued. "But I really prefer the blue one. You know I always look good in blue." --Max K. Strang, Haliburton, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
I was in the kitchen when my husband called from the bedroom to ask where his good green polo shirt was. In one of his drawers, I answered, and if not, then the clothes hamper. After listening to him slam drawers and mutter and mumble, I went into the bedroom and asked which shirt he wanted. He repeated, "My good green polo shirt." "The one you're wearing?" I asked. --Debbie L. M. Brooks, Kamloops, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
We bought my mother-in-law a remote car starter that also opened the door locks at the press of a button. We left her car at the shop to have the system installed. That evening the technician called. He said the installation was almost complete but they had run into a little problem-they had locked the keys in the car. --Beverley Livingstone, Barriere, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
While out one evening, my mother noticed a young gentleman who resembled her old high-school sweetheart. She approached him to ask if he was her old boyfriend's son. Unfortunately, her phrasing left something to be desired. Excusing herself, she politely asked, "Do you know who your father is?" --Susan Cormier, Kelowna, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
Many of the people in our neighbourhood have lived here for 20 or more years, and so we're now seeing several teenagers of these families in the process of obtaining their driver's licences. The kids are growing up but aren't quite there yet. This was apparent when we overheard our neighbour call to her 16-year-old as he was pulling out of their driveway in the family van: "Watch out for the icy roads, don't go over the speed limit-and don't forget to bring your mitts home." --Brian Scarsbrook, Winnipeg (from Life's Like That, 1999) 59
Pulled over for speeding, I gave the officer my licence and registration and settled down to wait for my ticket. A few minutes passed while he fussed and rattled around. Finally, he handed all my papers back. Seeing the puzzled look on my face, he mumbled something about not being able to find a pen. A salesman, I automatically reached into my pocket and handed him one. He looked at me, then looked at the pen and grinned. "I wouldn't do that to anyone. Now get out of here and slow down." --Ronald J. Breadner, Owen Sound, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
My husband, who has credit cards, told me that they were useful as identification when paying for merchandise by cheque. Because I didn't have one, he said, most places, including his favourite hardware store, would not accept my cheque. Betting that they would, I headed for the hardware store. When I presented my cheque to the cashier, I told her I didn't have a credit card. "Oh, that's okay," she smiled, looking at the names on my cheque, "your husband writes cheques here all the time." --Wendy Rud, Prince George, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
To adults when I was growing up in Calgary, I was often introduced as Ed and Pauline's daughter. And as the youngest of five children who all attended the same school and university, I got used to being recognized as John's sister or Joe's sister.... Finally when I married and my husband and I moved to a small community where I knew no one, I was pleased I could be myself. The first day that I went grocery shopping, the cashier looked at the cheque I had given her and cheerfully exclaimed, "Oh, you're that new teacher's wife!" --Mary McKay (Hanna, Alta.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
I was rushing around the grocery store after a hectic day at the office. My year-old daughter dropped her soother and, with no spare to give her, I picked it up and popped it in my own mouth for a quick clean. Just then I spotted an item I wanted and leaned down to get it. A gentleman reaching for the same product glanced at me with the soother in my mouth, and smiled. "Having a rough day, are you?" --Janet Elliott (St. Catharines, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
We were unprepared for the cold snap that greeted us in Salzburg, Austria, when we arrived for our vacation. We used nearly all the clothes we had packed, wearing multiple unmatched layers to bundle up for a day of touring and sightseeing. When we arrived back to the warmth of our hotel that evening and were unbuttoning our heavy coats, my mother incredulously pointed at my father: He had forgotten to pack a scarf and so had worn his flannel pyjama bottoms snugly wrapped around his neck. --Sarah Graham (Alberton, P.E.I.) (from Life's Like That, 1998) 60
Upon learning my wife was from Canada, a friend in England said he'd had a good friend in the army, a Canadian. But, obviously remembering what a vast country we have, he added, "Of course there's no point in asking if you know him." Nevertheless, my wife asked his name. He was the rector of our church at home. --Hubert M. Butcher (Sorrento, B.C.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
A few friends and I were discussing diet tips. When it was mentioned that getting enough exercise and sleep were just as important as watching food intake, someone responded with surprise that sleep was a factor. Another replied: "Of course sleep has a lot to do with dieting. The only time I'm not eating is when I'm sleeping!" --Carolyn Hilborn Vasco (Cambridge, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
After attending two weddings, an anniversary party and a couple of dinner dates, I decided to send my husband's suit out to the cleaners. "Have it cleaned," he agreed. And as an afterthought, he added, "and stretched." --Valerie Turton (Wainfleet, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
My sister-in-law, Donna, recognized a lady she saw at the market as her neighbour who owned the cottage across the lake from her. She introduced herself and described where she was located on the lake. "Oh, yours is the cottage with the dog named Nobody." Donna laughed. Sound obviously travels loud and clear across the water, especially when her dog, Buddy, is being reprimanded. --Pamela Jordan (MacTier, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
My sister Bernice met a man who loves to dance. They go out dancing several nights a week and attend other social events. She's rarely home. While chatting with my older sister Esther, I said how nice it was that Bernice was getting out and enjoying herself. "Well," Esther replied, "she may as well do it while she's still young." Bernice is 79. --Melanie Falcon (Burnaby, B.C.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
While watching coverage of a Los Angeles earthquake, my husband and I discussed what we'd do if the earth shook here in British Columbia. We live on a farm, so I suggested we should get out of the house and into the field. Our pets, three dogs and a cat, are a priority, and we decided we should split the responsibility, 61
each of us taking two animals. It was all settled, until Charles turned back to me with a look of concern. "Wait a minute! Who's going to get the television?" --B. McMurchy (Yarrow, B.C.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
I spend an hour each evening walking around our neighbourhood. That's when I spotted it: A 1975 Honda 550 4-cylinder motorcycle with just 17,700 original kilometres and a price tag of only $750. Every day I made a point of passing and examining this fine specimen. I also spent many hours explaining to my unheeding wife the importance of owning such a classic piece of machinery. Two weeks passed. One morning while driving my daughter to school, I told her I was going to swing by the house where the motorcycle had been for sale. I said I hoped it was still available. "Don't worry, Daddy, it will be," she told me. "None of the wives will let their husbands buy it." --Allen G. Simpson (Halifax) (from Life's Like That, 1998) On her way to work, a colleague of mine had fallen and grazed her knee. At the office I told her where the first-aid metal box was kept, and she left to get a bandage. When I saw her later that morning, I noticed that she had a large bulky dressing on her finger. "I thought it was your knee you injured when you fell. What happened to your finger?" I asked. She replied, "I sliced it on the first-aid box and had to go to the doctor to get it stitched!" --M. L. Trenchard (Victoria, B.C.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
As I sat down in a small restaurant, a waitress came over to take my order. "I'll have a hamburger, please." "Burger!" she yelled over her shoulder. Then I added, "Make that well done." She turned away again. "Torture it!" she yelled. --Gerry Olson (Calgary, Alta.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
One of my husband's dental patients was relating an incident that took place at the telephone company where he worked. A lady had brought back a twisted mass of plastic, the phone beyond repair. Her son, she told them, had put the phone on the stove while chatting with his girlfriend, and he absentmindedly turned on the wrong element, the one on which the phone rested. It had melted before he could remove it. The phone company, the technician laughed, put the fried phone on display. When the patient finished relating the story, my husband smiled. "And the phone company," he said, "was kind enough to give my wife a new phone, no charge." --Jo Mayne (Madeira Park, B.C.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
My uncle, a carpenter, had completed some renovations for a friend, and all that remained was selecting a carpet to complement the new room. He ran into the man a short time later and asked what colour he had chosen. "I decided to go with the same colour as our dog," his friend replied. 62
--Olga Hymers (Quesnel, B.C.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
Following a rash of break-ins in our neighbourhood, my husband, Bill, noticed a man sitting in a small car outside our house. When it was still there 15 minutes later, Bill took the dog out for a walk in order to get the car's license number. When he returned a short while later, the car was just moving off. As Bill was debating whether he should call the police anyway, our son came in saying the car was parked at the other end of the block. Bill phoned the police. When he recited the license-plate number, Bill could hear a muffled voice in the background yelling, "You're busted!" The car was a police surveillance vehicle. --Kathy Hopkins (Dartmouth, N.S.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
While I was a patient in the hospital, I was pleasantly surprised one evening to be served a delicious pumpkin custard. I knew that the mother of one of the nurses was the cook, so I asked her if she could get me the recipe. The next day the nurse came to see me. Smiling, she said, "My mother wants to know whether you want the recipe for 60 or 120 people." --Jean M. Cook (Whitehorse) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
The parents of the groom were surprised to receive a phone call from the newlyweds the morning after the wedding. They were calling from their hotel room, saying they couldn't go downstairs for breakfast. In the excitement of the prenuptial arrangements, they had neglected to pack some essentials. She had only her floor-length wedding gown; he, his tuxedo. --Patricia J. Washington (Whitby, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
I was in a packed elevator when it stopped. The doors opened and a young fellow hesitated, obviously trying to decide if there was enough room for him. Someone at the back called out, "Maximum capacity 16." The young man's face brightened. "Good, I'm only 15," and in he squeezed. --Tom Kift (Oakville, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
To give my daughter a break, I took her two toddlers for the weekend. When I asked later how she was enjoying her time alone, she replied: "The silence is deafening - I can't remember the last time I heard the fridge running." --Nora Nelson (Dundas, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
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I was having a difficult time adjusting to my new bifocal glasses. While I was directing choir practice, I realized I could see the music, but the choir members were fuzzy, and when I tried to see the organist, Grace, I felt positively seasick. I finally stopped the singing to explain my frustration. "The music is fine," I told the group, "and the choir isn't too bad. But whenever I look at Grace, I want to throw up!" --P. A. Gurney (Burnaby, B.C.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
While travelling through Alaska on a trip from our home in Manitoba, we dined one evening in a restaurant in Anchorage. We discovered that a party from Saskatchewan were also there. I asked our waiter, who was from the southern states, if he'd let us know where they were sitting so we could say hello. He left, but soon returned looking dejected. "I'm sorry, ma'am," he said, "I'm afraid I can't help you. I don't speak Saskatchewan." --F. J. Manning (Reston, Man.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
Only one other person and I, out of 11 people, had arrived for the first-aid class. The instructor decided to wait a while, but after 30 minutes we were still missing the other nine people. The instructor went to the closet, pulled out a suitcase and took out "Annie," the first-aid doll. Pointing at her, he explained: "We need three people to hold the class. We can start now." --Linda Sanderco*ck (Vancouver) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
Although it had been repaired twice that week, the reclining back portion of my husband's wheelchair broke yet again while we were at a family party. My nephew, Wade, brought out his tools, and in just five minutes, he had it fixed and in better working order than it had ever been. Wade's father, who had been watching, smiled and said, "Gee, son, I guess all those years of taking things apart finally paid off." --V. Kamitomo (Edmonton) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
The small plane my cousin was travelling on to Texas had stopped in Alpena, Mich., to pick up a few passengers. As the plane taxied down the runway on takeoff, it suddenly jerked to a stop. The startled passengers were just regaining their composure when the pilot announced over the intercom, "Sorry about that folks, but I didn't want to run over that snapping turtle crossing the runway." --Joan Rowe (Sault Ste. Marie, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
My husband and I were at a party with my boss and his wife, and we left at the same time as they did. As we got into our car, we saw my boss run back into the house. "I wonder what he forgot?" I said. A minute later we watched as he got back in the car. As they drove by us, his wife stopped the car and rolled down her window. "Mark had two different shoes on," she explained. "And neither one was his." --Sandra Sonneveld, Blenheim, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
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In her oldest, scruffiest clothes, my teenage daughter was cutting the grass with our electric mower. At one point she left the mower running while she moved the cord and received a nasty cut to her fingers. As I drove her to the hospital, she calmly remarked: "This has been a nightmare of mine -going to the hospital in mismatched clothes!" --David Coghlan, Kinburn, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
As my mom went out, she asked my sister and me to load the dishwasher and turn it on. We did, then sat down to do our homework. A short time later I noticed a huge white blanket of bubbles covering the kitchen floor. I put too much soap in the machine, I thought. Mom will be furious. It took ages, but we cleaned up. By the time my mom returned, there was no evidence of our disaster. But my conscience got the better of me, and I confessed to her. After a moment of silence, she burst into laughter. She had put a container of hand soap into the dishwasher. --Stefanie Main, Brantford, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
As we passed through the dining hall at the camp our daughters were attending, I could see into the kitchen. From a sign posted on the walk-in-cooler door, it appeared the cook was having difficulty knowing how long some items had been in storage. It read: "I know your mother said not to, but date everything!" --Marion Larson, Mission, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
Just after school started, I was asked by my daughter's teacher to write a note describing my child. Soon I had a letter composed explaining how wonderfully exceptional she was. I read my comments to my husband for his opinion. When I finished, he said: "Sounds good. When do we get her?" --Donna Addison, Delhi, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
My dad loved the fishing rod my daughters had given him for Father's Day. The first time we went fishing, however, it accidentally fell overboard. He was devastated. I continued fishing, and soon I caught a big one. I reeled in my line-and pulled up Dad's rod. --M. Helps, Burk's Falls, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1998) Having moved from the city to experience a small-town atmosphere and the closeness neighbours develop, my husband and I were disappointed when our home was vandalized a couple of times. Then early one morning, I left the house to go for a walk and saw that my flowerpots were missing from the front steps. I was furious. Upon my return, I was delighted but puzzled to see my pots back in place. I later learned that the previous night, knowing we were to get frost, our neighbour had taken my pots into his heated garage along with his own. My faith in small-town kindness was restored. --Heather Burns, Okotoks, Alta. (from Life's Like That, 1998) 65
The all-male staff at my husband's work were planning a barbecue at a colleague's house. They were discussing whether wives and girlfriends should be included when the fellow hosting the party objected. "Let's not," he said. "Then we'd have to have salads and everything." --Catherine Nolan Wells, St. John's, Nfld. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
Frowning at my seven-month pregnant reflection in the mirror, I sighed. "This outfit is really comfortable," I said to my husband, "but it makes me look like a big purple pear." Stephen put his arm around me. "Don't be silly," he said. After a moment's pause, he continued, "If anything, you look like an eggplant." --Karen Kuntz, Edmonton (from Life's Like That, 1998)
Several people advised us that the mushrooms growing in our yard were safe to eat, so my wife, Lynn, and I decided to pick some for dinner. My steak was covered with them, but Lynn had only a few morsels on her plate. "Lynn," I said, "you're not eating the mushrooms." "I don't think we should both be eating them at the same time," she replied. --Rod T. Ollenberger, Winfield, Alta. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
The old outbuildings on the farm my husband, Frank, and I had just moved to needed sprucing up. Frank decided a fresh coat of red barn paint would help. When he finished the last building, the garage, there was still some paint left, so he upended the can and slung the remainder on the side of the garage. The next day after he backed his cream-coloured car out of the garage, he found it had broken out in a rash of red streaks and dots-one for just about every crack and knothole in the garage wall. --Fay Tipler (Edgerton, Alta.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
A young mother was always on time at our car-pool meeting place. She explained that she didn't need an alarm because her baby woke her between 6:28 and 6:32 each morning. One day, however, she arrived late and breathlessly jumped into the waiting car. "Sorry," she told us, "my baby didn't go off." --Marg Werden (Waterloo, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
Listening to the birds one evening, I heard an unfamiliar call. I was intrigued enough to get my binoculars to see if I could spot the bird in the trees. My next-door neighbour was outside, and I asked him if he heard the call. "Yes," he said, "it came from a large white bird in the driveway across the street..." I looked that way, "...with four wheels." 66
Our neighbour was testing a new alarm system for his Chrysler Eagle. --Brian Waugh (Dartmouth, N.S.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
My Mom and her friends, Al and Win, were planning to go to a social function together. When Win came down with a crippling migraine, she encouraged Mom and Al to go without her. That evening Al introduced Mom to a friend of his. "I'd like you to meet June," he said. "She fills in when Win has a headache." --Anna Iwaszkiewicz (Medicine Hat, Alta.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
The first carload of Boy Scouts had left my house minutes earlier, bound for our three-day wilderness trip. As I backed my own vanload of Scouts out of my garage I noticed a pair of hiking boots forgotten on the back steps. I stopped the van and retrieved the boots. An hour later we caught up with the first car, parked at the side of the highway. My assistant Scout leader rolled down his window. "Your wife's just called on my cell phone. She asked if you know anything about the boots that were on your back steps. They belong to the plumber." --Richard A. Low (Lethbridge, Alta.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
My sister Joanne, a nurse, had just finished a 12-hour shift and was now at home sleeping. My brother, meanwhile, was renovating our kitchen. To knock down a concrete wall, he used a sledgehammer and an electric saw. When the wall finally came down, it did so with a crash that shook the whole house. Joanne slept through it all. A few hours later, she stumbled out of the bedroom. "I couldn't sleep," she complained. "There's a cricket right outside the window making a terrible racket!" --Linda Goodeve (Ajax, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
When I arrived home from a weekend-long first-aid course, my eight-year-old daughter, Whitney, asked: "How was the test, Mom? Did you get any answers wrong?" I told her I had made just one mistake and explained what it had been. Later that day Whitney cut her hand while slicing an orange. "Don't worry," I consoled her. "I can help with that." "Oh, great," I heard Whitney whisper to her sister, "this is the part she got wrong." --Sharon Anderson (Red Deer, Alta.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
My sister and I enthusiastically planned a summer of activities designed to help us lose weight. However, we were discouraged when, after our first day of jogging, we discovered it took us longer to run than it normally took us to walk. 67
--Stephanie Eng (Calgary) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
A novice to softball joined our league and was using an old worn out baseball glove. When his neighbour gave him a new one, he asked a veteran how to care for it. At the next game, the rookie seemed glum and was back using the old glove. When we asked why, he produced what had been his new glove, now shrunken, wizened, destroyed. The veteran who'd told him how to care for it declared, "I can't believe this resulted from my advice to you to oil the glove!" "Oil it?" echoed the rookie. "I thought you said 'Boil it.'" --Eric Bender (Kirkland, Que.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
New recruits processed at 15 Medical Company, Mewata Armories in Calgary, were usually unfamiliar with military jargon. In response to the question on the medical form that asked for the recruit's parent unit or the unit the recruit would be joining after completion of basic training, one hopeful answered, "Bob and Eileen." --T. M. Lywin (from Life's Like That, 1997)
My husband's great-aunt Margaret was an avid reader who made regular trips to the library. On one occasion she confided to the librarian that she loved romance stories but was upset by the explicitness of modern novels. The librarian was sympathetic and suggested she try the novels from the classics section instead. Half an hour later, Aunt Margaret left the classics section with a new stack of books to be checked out. On top of the pile was D. H. Lawrence's Lady Chatterley's Lover. --Janet Culliton (Stratford, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
After a week in bed, on a liquid diet,I awoke with a craving for a soft boiled egg. My husband, Michael, had spent the same week eating sandwiches or ordering out. I asked him if he'd make my breakfast and he cheerfully complied. Forty-five minutes after I had heard him rummaging around for a pot, I called down, "Where's my egg?" An exasperated figure appeared in the bedroom doorway. Frustrated, Michael exclaimed, "I don't know why it's taking so long, but the shell's not soft yet." --Elizabeth Shumacher (London, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
Renovating isn't one of my husband's great interests, but he's accomplished a variety of jobs around the house. One day when he ran out of supplies, he drove to the nearest Home Depot. When he returned, he proudly described how his newfound confidence must be evident because so many customers in the store asked his advice. "Perhaps," I suggested gently, "the Home Depot apron you're wearing might have had something to do with it." --Joanne Tardif-Maisonneuve (Calgary) (from Life's Like That, 1997) 68
After a harried vacation at my house with six adults and three kids under three years old, my sister-in-law, Heather, left for another three weeks with the grandparents. Her own year-old daughter, Simone, was the only child that went along. It was apparent how exhausted Heather was when my brother asked her while they were there if she'd rather do the dishes by herself or go to the playground with Simone and Nana. "I'll do the dishes," Heather said, relieved. "I'm on vacation." --Gary Rutz (Edmonton) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
As I pulled into the parking lot at the grocery store, I noticed a car with its headlights on. I jotted down the make, colour and licence number. Inside the store I joined the line at the information desk. When the clerk reached me, I told her a silver Honda in the parking lot had its lights on and gave her the number. "Thank you," she replied, and went on to another customer. The gentleman next to me asked her indignantly, "Aren't you going to announce it?" "There's no need," she replied sheepishly. "That car belongs to me." --Chris Schmied (Mississauga) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
I was seven months pregnant when my husband and I decided to take a short vacation in Banff, Alta. Hotel after hotel was booked solid. We were getting desperate. Finally we found a vacancy. The clerk showed us the room: jaccuzzi in the bathroom, mirror over the bed, bar filled with drinks. It was the honeymoon suite. Obviously aware of my condition and probably thinking it was a shotgun marriage, the clerk was trying not to show his amusem*nt. It didn't help when we handed him our credit card, in the name of Mr. and Mrs. John Smith. --Margaret Smith (Courtenay, B.C.) (from Life's Like That, 1997) Driving home to Toronto after a day at the Fergus Highland Games, my daughter and her husband stopped at a little out-of-the-way restaurant for dinner. They placed their order and then asked for a carafe of white wine. "Gee," said the young waitress, "I didn't even know Kraft made wine!" --Anne D. Brown (Bala, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
Some friends and I sat next to a lady sitting alone at the OMNIMAX Theatre in Vancouver. She overheard us talking and asked where we were from. "Grande Prairie, Alberta," I replied. "I used to live there! What's your name?" she asked. "Laninga," I told her. 69
"Ken!" she exclaimed. She had been a bridesmaid at my wedding 28 years earlier. --Ken Laninga (Grande Prairie, Alta.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
After attending the same camp for ten years, our daughter was returning as a counsellor and nature instructor. Amid preparations, her father anxiously asked her where she was going to park her car. "With all the others," she replied. "In the parking lot." "Is it safe there?" he asked. "Dad!" she said, astonished. "You've been leaving me there for years!" --Paulette Blackburn (Regina) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
The lady sitting in the stands behind home plate at a Little League baseball game was giving the umpire the benefit of her opinion on many of his calls that went against the visiting team. Although critical, her comments were good-natured and ignored by the umpire. She really let loose, however, five or six innings into the game when a third strike was called against a member of her team. When she noticed the amazed reaction of those around her to her antics, she grinned. "The umpire's my husband, and the boy he just called out is our son." --R. A. Freeman (Port Coquitlam, B.C.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
I hadn't seen my parents for several months, and in the interval I'd drastically changed my appearance. When I arrived at their house, they both stared at my now very short, very blond hair. Neither one said much, so I thought they were taking it rather well. However, I learned their true feelings when a neighbour dropped by. My father's introduction was: "Lorraine, I'd like you to meet my daughter. This is Karen, but it isn't her hair." --K. Skowron (Victoria) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
My husband reluctantly agreed to drive my automatic car and allow me to drive his standard shift after breaking his right arm. Every day John warned me to be careful with his "baby." One morning I read John's horoscope to him: "Love of your life should be careful." He looked up and said, "Well, you know the love of my life, so you be careful." Touched at his sentimentality after three years of marriage, I smiled-until he added, "I'd be very upset if anything happened to my car." --Sue Noble (Burlington, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
Over coffee, a neighbour related how she and her family had narrowly escaped being involved in a fatal highway accident the previous day. It had obviously left her badly shaken. 70
Later in the conversation, when she had calmed down, she lamented not having won a large lottery. "I never have any luck," she bemoaned. "You do," I told her. "It's just that you used it up on the highway yesterday." --Patricia Jean Gleadall (St. Catharines, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
The banana loaf I was making was in the oven when my 17-year-old came into the kitchen where the family had gathered. "That bread smells about done don't you think, Mom?" he asked. I told him I had set the timer and it was fine. A little later he repeated his suggestion: "Mom, I really think that loaf is done. Maybe you should check it." Always quick to come to my defence, my 15-year-old son said, "B.J., Mom's been burning that banana bread for 20 years now. I think she knows when to take it out." --Brenda Forsythe (New Liskeard, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
While watching TV one evening, my brother's wife asked, "What did she say?" "I don't know," he replied. "I didn't get it either." "This is ridiculous," she stated. "You've got to get a hearing aid." --Jean Jackson (Fergus, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
My mom has for many years tinted her hair when the grey roots showed. However, when my hair started turning grey and after several attempts to touch it up, I decided to leave it natural. When Mother came to visit a few months later, it was with trepidation that I awaited her reaction to my hair. "It's not bad," she said. "Now I know what I'm going to look like in a few years." --Karen Herbert (Fort Erie, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
After a long day of sight-seeing, my husband and I stopped for dinner. We were hungry, but the service was slow. Forty-five minutes after our order was taken, my husband called the harried waiter over and asked about our meals. "I'm sorry, sir," he apologized. "The cook is doing the best he can, but he only has two pairs of hands." --Marsha Spink (Surrey, B.C.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
Daunted by the task of preparing his own meals after he moved into an apartment, my son's friend dropped by his parents' house one day. He went directly to the fridge and opened the door, expecting to find a feast before his eyes. 71
He turned around with a look of disappointment. "There's no food in here," he complained, "only ingredients." --Ann Baker Antignano (Kelowna, B.C.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
Because of back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do exercises. Once when we stopped at a motel in Portage la Prairie, Man., as I started my exercise, something under the bed caught my eye. It was a card, on which was written "Yes, we do clean under here, too." --Bernice Wilson (Vancouver) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
Although I had said I didn't want anything, my husband made me a snack so appetizing that I ate it. "After 49 years, I know you like a book," he stated. Mischievously I asked, "Like the Canadian Tire catalogue?" "Well," he said seriously, "not that well!" --Norma H. Caya (Bancroft, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
My husband picked up an old sweater to wear over his work clothes. He struggled to pull it on, grumbling that I always seemed to shrink things in the wash. "This was one of my favourites," he complained. "It's not that bad," I consoled, looking at his bare wrists and shirt poking out from his waist. In resignation, he fought his way out of it and tossed it to our 12-year-old son. "Here's a new sweater for you, Jordan," he said. Jordan looked at it and replied, "It is my sweater." --Rhonda Bell (North Augusta, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
My daughter bought a grapefruit knife and left it on the kitchen counter to be washed. When she went back into the kitchen later, she couldn't believe her eyes. "What happened to my knife?" she cried. Her husband, not knowing a grapefruit knife is crooked, had taken it to his workshop and straightened it. --Grace Karpiak (Winnipeg) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
My brother had an accident with the family car just after getting his licence. Due to slippery winter conditions, he hit another car broadside, causing quite a bit of damage. No one was injured, but the other driver was furious and complained bitterly about letting such an inexperienced teenager drive during winter. The police officer was recording the information, and when she took down the man's name, she paused, flipped back to a previous page in her notebook and then said: "Sorry to have to tell you this, but I've just come from another accident. Your teenage daughter is fine, but the car she was driving, your wife's, is a total write-off." 72
--Karen Stacey (Ottawa) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
My Irish setter, Kelly, accompanied my friend and me cross-country skiing. Because there was traffic on a road alongside one trail, I leashed Kelly, tucked my poles under my left arm and held on to her with my right hand. I climbed up the hill, with Kelly giving me a pull. When we reached the top, a stranger at the bottom hailed me. "Can you send the dog back down, please?" --Barbara Mitchell (Kinmount, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
My son and I celebrated our mutual birth date by treating each other to dinner. When we arrived at our favourite restaurant, we were delighted to see a large sign at the entrance proclaiming that each birthday person, upon presentation of suitable I.D., was entitled to a free meal. When it was time to pay the bill, I felt guilty that we were paying for only our drinks and offered to pay for at least one of the meals. "Not at all!" our genial maître d' exclaimed. "That's the deal. But you must have friends? Other children?" "Well," I replied, "my daughter usually comes with us on this date to celebrate..." "There!" he said. "Bring her next year. She'd be most welcome." "That's great!" my son exclaimed. "My twin sister loves prime rib!" --Lillian R. Couture, Burnaby, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
A family who attended our church was moving away and their next-door neighbour, an anesthesiologist, was hosting a farewell party for them. "Except for our parishioners," I commented to my wife, "we don't know anyone who'll be there. I hope we meet some guests with whom we'll have something in common." "Well, you certainly have something in common with the host," she replied. "You both put people to sleep." --Rev. John L. Symonds, Yarmouth, N.S. (from Life's Like That, 1999) Recently married, my sister had confidence in her husband's ability to do laundry because he was a member of the armed forces and had been doing his own for some time. However, she was dismayed to discover one day that he had ruined her green silk nightgown in the wash. When she asked him why on earth he had washed it with his army fatigues, he replied knowledgeably, "I put all the greens together!" --Elizabeth Hunsicker, Nepean, Ont (from Life's Like That, 1999)
I was going through the checkout with my weekly supply of groceries, and the cashier was the teenage daughter of the lady who looked after my children during the day. After she totalled the bill and was taking my money, she paused, then said, "You know, between my mother and me, we must get most of your money." --George M. Dashner, Fredericton (from Life's Like That, 1999) 73
Sharing expenses and food preparation, my friend Mary and her sister Joan held a bridal shower for a mutual friend. The refreshments were a success, especially the dessert Mary had prepared. "Give me your recipe for the date squares," Joan requested. "They were so good." Mary wrote it down, and when Joan read it over, she said, "That looks easy, but how long did you leave it in the oven?" Mary looked surprised. "Was I supposed to cook it?" --Margaret Riordan, Oshawa (from Life's Like That, 1999)
I had just come out of a store when the blast of a car horn startled me. I looked over and saw that a large white poodle sat in the driver's seat of a car. Apparently the dog had done it. When the dog honked a second time, a man came scurrying out of a shop, put his hands on his hips and, to my amusem*nt, shouted, "I'll be there in a minute!" Curious, I asked the man, "Did you teach your dog to do that?" "Yes," he answered in exasperation, "and now he won't let me go anywhere!" --Nancy E. Haigh, Hamilton (from Life's Like That, 1999)
I noticed an ad for stock pots in the local paper, and mentioned to my husband, Bob, that I was going to buy one. He looked at me oddly, then disappeared. A few minutes later Bob came back carrying a box. He'd hidden it away so carefully before Christmas, he'd forgotten to give it to me-a stock pot. --Heather Ruttan, Paris, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
Because of the icy road conditions, I couldn't prevent hitting a parked car. While the owner and I exchanged information, another car smashed into mine. We eventually called the police. When the patrol car drove up with its lights flashing, we all watched in disbelief as it careened into the third vehicle. The officer rolled down his window, smiled and said, "I guess I know what happened here." --Melanie Norman, Port aux Basques, Nfld. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
A passenger aboard a B.C. ferry approached the engineer as he was making his rounds. "Excuse me," she said, "could you tell me how many feet above sea level we are here?" He looked at her, then casually leaned over the railing of the ship, glanced at the water and replied, "About 30." --Naomi Neil, Victoria, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
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By the time we finished building our dream cottage on a remote lake, our teenage son, James, was no longer interested in wilderness weekends with Mom and Dad. I tried to entice him one weekend by offering to pay him to do some painting. "Your father will gladly pay you if you'd stain the cottage," I told him. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "Dad must really want me to go up to the lake with you if he's willing to pay me to just stay in!" --Martha G. Brannen, Barrington, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
One snowy evening my brother, a regional police officer, stopped a car at a roadside check for drunk drivers. "Good evening, ma'am," he greeted the lady. "How are you this evening?" "Fine, thank you," she replied. My brother continued, "Anything to drink this evening?" Surprised, the lady answered, "No, thank you." --Donna Filshie, Chelmsford, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
Nine years as a parish priest in Schreiber, Ont., earned me the reputation of a Jonah where the weather was concerned. Our church picnics were regularly rained out, and winter's worst storm always seemed to strike the day of our Christmas bazaar. It didn't surprise me, then, when I stepped off the plane in my new parish in the West Indies into a freak rainstorm, even though it was the height of the dry season. I braced myself to greet the first parishioner in the welcoming committee. To my amazement, he enfolded me in a wet hug and excitedly called out: "Oh, what a lucky priest we got! Look at the good weather he brings with him!" --Rev. Bob Elkin, Carriacou, Grenada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
A customer called my wheel-alignment shop one day wondering what it would cost to fix a squeak in his steering. I told him to bring the car in and I'd have a look at it. However, he had a better idea. He had his wife turn the steering wheel back and forth and record the noise. He then played it back to me over the phone. "Spray it with oil," I suggested. He did. No squeak, no bill, and a satisfied customer. --Bill Martens, Chilliwack, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
I was disturbed by the message I received at the municipal parks and recreation department where I worked. "Jeff the Psychopath called. Said you know him, and he'd like you to call." I checked with the secretary who took the message, and she insisted it was accurate. Not a little uneasy, I returned the call. Jeff was looking for information on city bike trails for the store he worked for: Cyclepath. --Nancy McMinn, London, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
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When my daughter was born 12 years ago at St. Rita's Hospital in Sydney, N.S., it was a Catholic hospital run by the sisters. My mother came to visit me, and you can imagine the astonishment on the nurse's face when Mom asked to see "the Nunns' baby." --Donna L. Nunn, Sydney Mines, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
The three-year-old boy was brought in by his mother, with a cut above his right eyebrow. He had fallen while jumping up and down on his bed, she told me, and she kept admonishing her son while telling me what happened. Then she left the room. As I stitched the child's forehead, he said: "I don't know why Mom's mad at me. I was behaving. I wasn't jumping up and down on the bed. I was jumping off the dresser." --Joe Golumbia, M.D., Saskatoon, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
In the showroom of a top-of-the-line dealership, 15 or so tropical trees stood sentinel among the highly polished luxury cars. As I was chatting with the treasurer, two large citrus trees bearing a splendid crop of fruit caught my eye. I laughed, and the treasurer followed my gaze to the sign tied to the trees: don't pick the lemons! Not long after, the sign and the fruit were removed. --Francis Kerr Young, Hamilton, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
As a musician and recording engineer, I tend to listen to music with a criti- cal ear, and my wife, Diane, is the most frequent recipient of my editorial comments. Watching one concert, I suggested that the tempo was too fast, the performance was mediocre, and the audio pickup was appalling. I ended my diatribe philosophically. "However, we live in an imperfect world." "Yes," Diane replied. "You can't be everywhere." --David Dobbs, Toronto, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
As our carpool driver crested a slippery hill, he spotted a dozen deer on the road directly in front of us. Bruce immediately jammed on the brakes, sending the truck sliding sideways towards the animals. We all braced for the collision. Bruce released the brakes, and the truck amazingly fishtailed through the herd without touching one of the deer. "Whew!" Bruce gasped, once again in control. "That was just like skiing slalom, but it's the first time I've used live pylons!" --Marlane Carlson, Dawson Creek, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
We visited my parents for Christmas, and even though she was over 80, Mother was determined to put on a traditional Christmas dinner. After having spent the day preparing all the food, Mother was getting ready for bed, and we noticed she had set her alarm clock to go off at 4 a.m. She explained that she had to turn the oven on to cook the turkey. We knew her oven had a timer and asked her if she knew how to use it. "Of 76
course," she told us, "but I've been getting up for over 60 Christmases to turn the oven on, and it just wouldn't be the same to have the stove do it for me!" --Jack Van Norman, St. Albert, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
My employer was giving a course on recognizing period furniture, and I was reviewing my notes while waiting to see my doctor. When he came into the examining room, he asked what I was studying. I gave a brief explanation and, to illustrate what was involved, I asked him, "For example, would you know a Queen Anne leg from that of Louis XIV?" He pondered this for a moment and said: "Louis' leg would have hair on it." --Mary Irwin, Victoria, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
A few days before my wedding, I found the perfect nightgown for my wedding night. As I handed the pink satin gown to the sales clerk, she commented on how pretty it was. I couldn't resist telling the grandmotherly woman the occasion for which I was purchasing the item. With a sly wink, she asked, "And what are you planning to do with this - drape it across the end of the bed?" --Nancy Kerr, Winnipeg, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997) The screen on the Interac machine in our store would freeze after we'd given out air miles, so I called a "help" number for technical assistance. The woman who answered verified our store number and name, and then I prepared to start pushing buttons and reading back what was on screen so she could tell me how to correct the problem. Instead, she asked me to pick the panel up and turn it over. Then came the complicated technical part. "Hit it six times!" she instructed me. --Debbie Villeneuve, Wahnapitae, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
The new sweatshirt my son-in-law, Donovan, had worn left a blue dye over his upper body. He decided to submerge himself in the bathtub to try to soak it off. Cody, my four-year-old grandson, entered the bathroom, looked at his Dad, then left. A few minutes later the phone rang, and Donovan got out of the tub to answer it. A concerned voice asked if he was all right. Cody had called 9-1-1. "My mommy's at work," he told them, "and my daddy's in the bathtub, and he's all blue!" --Lorraine Warren, Penticton, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where I work. He looked quite concerned at one notation. "I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone." He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question meant "short of breath" and not what he thought. 77
--Betty J. Roberts, Abbotsford, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
At -38šC and a cruel windchill factor one evening in Saskatchewan, my wife and I settled down to watch the news. The lead story was about the cold snap that engulfed Canada and the United States. One clip featured an American reporter standing outside asking passersby what they thought about their frigid weather, which, incidently, wasn't nearly as cold as ours. After hearing how cold they were, my wife observed, "It can't be that cold if they can stand outside and chat about it." --Darcy Brychun, Saskatoon, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
The staff at my favourite restaurant were in gales of laughter when I went in one fall day. "You should have been here!" they exclaimed. An older lady, an American tourist who had been sitting by the window, noticed salt for the city streets being pyramided in huge heaps and covered by tarpaulin. "What on earth is that?" she asked her waiter. "That's our salt, ma'am," he replied. "Good heavens!" she exclaimed. "All that for a little restaurant like this?" --Ron Pumphrey (St. John's, Nfld.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
I received many telephone calls from real-estate agents asking if I was interested in selling my home. One day, irritated by the continuous pressure, I was rather short in my reply to yet another inquiry. "No," I replied bluntly, "I don't want to sell my house. I want to stay here until the day I die!" "Oh," the agent said, "and how soon will that be?" --Adrienne Leduc (North Vancouver) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
I discovered my television set wasn't working-no matter what I tried, there was no sound. I called the repair shop, and two fellows arrived with a replacement TV. Before they left, one of them checked my set, and immediately there was sound. Amazed, I asked, "What did you do to fix it?" "Turned off the mute button," he replied. --Audrey O. Johnson (Victoria) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
During our taxi ride across Ottawa to catch a flight, my brother, Dan, pointed out several hospitals and clinics where the end of his thumb had been reconstructed, where the ligament in his leg was repaired, where his plastic surgeon lived. Finally the cab driver asked, "Are you into sports?" "No," Dan replied, "power tools." --Tom R. Kenny (Douglastown, N.B.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
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At the height of the holiday season, I complained to my wife and 17-year-old daughter how much I disliked shopping. "In fact," I said, "if I die and go to hell, it will be a shopping mall." My daughter disagreed. "Oh, that would be heaven!" Then, after an all-too-brief pause, she added, "Well, at least we'll be together." --Ken J. Cutts (Headingley, Man.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
The radio program my husband and I were listening to suggested relationships between spouses would improve if each understood the other's style of communication and learned to speak in that language. "What's your style of communication?" I asked my laid-back husband. "Long pauses in between," he answered. --Ruby J. Cleroux (Vauxhall, Alta.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
The heavy snowfall had tapered off in the late afternoon and I decided I'd get a head start on the next day by shovelling that night. In the morning I congratulated myself on my foresight when I went outside and heard the scraping of shovels all around the neighbourhood. I got in my car and backed down the drive-and got royally stuck in the snowbank the ploughs had deposited at the bottom. --Trudy Pellmann (London, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
Nine of us, all sisters, were travelling out West to celebrate our parents' anniversary. My oldest sister for some reason felt compelled to tell a security guard at Calgary airport that we were sisters. "Which order?" he asked. Just then my youngest sister, eight months pregnant, came around the corner. "Oh!" the guard exclaimed. "Sisters!" --Carmen Bonneau (Saskatoon) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
I stopped to admire the 50-or-so paintings an artist had hung in his stall at the arts and crafts show. Eventually I asked the gentleman which one he considered his best painting.Smiling, he replied, "My next one." --Dan H. Jarvis (Thornloe, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
Bear, our son's dog, was the size, shape and colour of his namesake. He was afraid of nothing. In winter, even when the temperature hit -40ºC, Bear pre-ferred to stay outdoors. One cold night at the cottage, though, Bear wouldn't settle down, continuously howling. We thought perhaps he could hear the wolves calling down the lake. Finally, around 11 p.m., our son asked if he could turn on the outside light. Bear was a city dog and had never slept without street lights. He was afraid of the dark. --Andy Houser (Newmarket, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
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We were expecting our son, James, home for the weekend, and I was extremely worried as time passed, James didn't arrive and the worst storm of the season raged outside. Finally I called his girlfriend's home in Toronto to see if he'd stopped there. I left a frantic message on her answering machine saying how bad the roads were and asking her to call back. However, not long after, James arrived home. Later that evening the phone rang. A worried lady in Toronto wanted to know if James had arrived home safely. I had misdialed when I phoned his girlfriend and left my message. --Lynn Taylor (Kinmount, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
As I looked through my purse for money at coffee break, I realized I was missing my car keys. I called my friend at her home to ask if she'd check my car at the commuter train station where I'd left it to see if the keys were on the seat. She called back to say they weren't on the seat, they were in the ignition, with the car still running. Panicking, I asked if she called CAA to let her in. "That wasn't necessary," she said, "you left the doors unlocked." --Jennifer J. Barrett (Burlington, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
I found my husband kneeling in front of the dryer. "What are you looking for?" I asked. He pointed to his feet and I noticed that he was wearing only one sock. He grinned at me and said, "I'm searching for my sole mate." --Kathleen O'Reilly-Scanlon (Orleans, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
"Very pretty and very sensible," I praised my 18-year-old granddaughter when she showed me the flannelette nightgown she'd just bought. "You know," I continued, "your mom was only a year older than you when she got married, and one of the first things she did was throw out her flannelette nightgowns. Your dad didn't like them." My daughter, who had overheard us, said, "And now when I wear something sexy he says, 'Aren't you cold?'" --Elke Schneider, Kelowna, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
My husband and I stood in the checkout line, each of us holding an item. The cashier at the next checkout, with no customers in line, looked over at us and asked, "Are you two together?" "For 43 years," I replied. She smiled. "Then I won't separate you now." --Margaret Nunn, Brantford, Ont (from Life's Like That, 1999)
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My dad had locked the one door that was usually left open because we had lost the key. Locked out, Mom and I took refuge from the weather in our neighbour's house. Mom jokingly asked the woman if she had any extra keys hanging around. Our neighbour left for a moment and returned holding a bunch of keys, unmistakably ours. "For six years I've wondered who these belong to," she said. --Sonia Fawcett, Listowel, Ont (from Life's Like That, 1999) My neighbours drove into town to do some shopping, leaving their daughter at home. Some time later Petra answered the phone. "Ask your mom what she wants from town," her dad said. "But, Dad," Petra answered, "Mom's with you!" --Kris Hunter, Nanaimo, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
I often enlist my parents' help with odd jobs around the house. My dad is quite a handyman, and Mom always finds things to do to keep herself occupied while they're visiting. About a week after new neighbours moved in, my husband and I went over to welcome them. Although we said we lived next door, they seemed confused and again asked which house was ours. The source of the confusion became clear when they finally said, "But doesn't that elderly couple live there?" --Janet Seebach, Kitchener (from Life's Like That, 1999)
My 19-year-old son answered the phone and immediately looked puzzled. He listened for a moment while a man with an English accent ordered a pizza and asked how many pounds it would cost. Dave couldn't resist asking, "But why are you calling Canada?" "Oh, no!" the man wailed, and Dave heard him ask someone which memory button on their phone dialed the pizza place. That's when Dave recognized his uncle's voice. --Trish Harms, Nelson, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
A friend was driving over to visit me for the first time at my new home in a gated community. I explained that she was to call our number at the community's entrance and I'd activate the gate. When she phoned, I pressed the security code. A few minutes later she called back to say the gate wasn't open. I entered the code again. When she drove up to the house, she said the gate still hadn't opened, so she had followed another car through. I realized what had gone wrong when she continued, "There must be something wrong with my cell phone." She hadn't used the gate phone. --Shirley Hepplewhite, Coquitlam, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
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Finally it was time to take our first baby home from the hospital. I finished packing while my husband proudly settled our daughter into her new car seat. As it was cold, Ross placed a blanket over the baby before we left the building. At the car Ross tried to buckle the seat in place. He had practised many times for just this moment, but it was not going well. Puzzled, I peered into the back: Our daughter's tiny feet were sticking out of the top of the blanket. The car seat was upside down. --Sharon MacDonald, Mount Pearl, Nfld. (from Life's Like That, 1999)
The children had received a puppy from their grandparents. In order to help the puppy sleep at night, we put a ticking clock in the kennel with her. She settled down-until the early hours, when we woke to her barking and whining. Upon investigating, we discovered we had left the alarm set for 3 a.m. --Jocelyn Macaulay, Medicine Hat, Alta. (from Life's Like That, 1997)
A cleaning company's answering service took my phone number, but when the return call came, I was out. My husband, Brent, was home, and he booked an appointment to have our couch cleaned on a day I wasn't going to be home. I didn't reschedule the date, but I did point out to Brent in great detail all the spots that needed attention. He listened patiently and then said, "Should I ask if there's a wife-time guarantee?" --Kim Heath, Courtenay, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1997)
I had returned to my seat after having won a bottle of champagne on a cruise ship. The lady in the next chair said, "I'm fascinated by the colour patterns in your dress. When you walk, I can't take my eyes off you. And do you know, the farther away you go, the better you look." --Edith L. Paish, Bracebridge, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1997)
At the wicket to buy tickets for a sightseeing tour in Sydney, Australia, my husband, Jacob, asked for two seniors' tickets. "Are you tourists?" the cashier asked . "Yes," replied Jacob. "From Canada." "I'm sorry," she replied, "the special seniors' ticket rate is for Australians only." After a moment's pause, Jacob said with a smile, "Did you know we have the same queen?" "Right!" said the cashier, and sold us two discounted tickets. --Miriam Steindler, Willowdale, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1997)
I was waiting behind two small boys at the counter of a general store. The older boy, perhaps five, handed the clerk a note listing the two or three items he was to buy. Then the smaller boy, just a toddler, pushed his note across the counter. The clerk looked at it and laughed. "Nothing else, thank you," it read. 82
--Phaedra Campbell, Hillspring, Alta. (from Life's Like That, 1997)
Over the years my daughters teased me about the strange measurements in my old Cape Breton recipes. So when Cindy asked for my cherry-loaf recipe, I said, "Write it down exactly as I read it, with no comments, please." I recited the recipe: one egg, a cup brown sugar, butter the size of an egg, two cups flour -and so on. When I finished, Cindy asked if that was all. "Yes," I replied. "Okay," she said, "but what do I do with the egg after I butter its sides?" --Gloria Neilson, Vancouver (from Life's Like That, 1997)
A colleague and I had a free afternoon during a business trip. We decided to go shopping and were told there was a mall farther down on the same street as our hotel. The weather had turned unfriendly, and huge snowflakes blurred our vision as we ploughed on to the nearest bus stop. After a considerable wait, the bus finally arrived. We shook off the snow, boarded and asked the driver to let us know when we reached our destination. With a friendly smile, he said: "Don't sit down. The next stop is yours." --W. A. Armstrong, Blairmore, Alta. (from Life's Like That, 1997)
My friend's final piece of art for his introductory class in sculpting was a bust of his own head. His roommate and I were admiring it when Vince said he wouldn't be continuing in the intermediate class. "So," his roommate observed, "you're going to quit while you're a head?" --Wendy Appleby, Calgary (from Life's Like That, 1997)
Any postwar invention is foreign to my father, so I was a tad apprehensive when I phoned him at home to ask him to send a fax for me. "I don't think I can do that," he replied. "Dad," I protested, "you just put the paper in the back of the machine, face down, dial and press send." There was a lengthy pause. "Yes, but which one is the..." "The send button?" I guessed. "The paper feed?" "No," he replied, "the fax machine." --Elissa Lansdell, Etobico*ke, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1997)
While we were browsing through a shopping mall, a toddler latched onto my husband's leg and screeched "Mama! Mama!" The harried father came charging over and pried his child away. We exchanged smiles and 83
went on our way. A little later we passed the toddler again, now with both his parents. His father looked at my husband, pointed to his wife and stated: "See? No resemblance!" --Helen Reed, Toronto (from Life's Like That, 1997)
On our travels east in an RV unit, we reached Simcoe, Ont., where we admitted to my brother-in-law that we dreaded having to drive through Toronto to reach Ottawa. "Since you're travelling on Sunday, you'll have no problems," he assured us. "On Sundays it's not busy." Somewhat relieved, we approached Ontario's capital and soon found ourselves sandwiched in endlessly merging traffic, with up to 16 lanes of vehicles whizzing by. After more than an hour, I glanced at my husband's hands gripping the wheel and nervously asked, "How are you doing?" He brightened for a moment. "Well, I'm sure glad it's not busy," he said. --Ruby J. Cleroux, Vauxhall, Alta. (from Life's Like That, 1997)
My husband, for our first date, managed to get a pair of excellent seats right behind the rink glass for a Toronto Maple Leafs game. Shortly after the game started, the puck came flying over the glass and hit Paul in the face just below his eye. Instinctively, I scrambled to retrieve the puck as a souvenir, and then I tended to his injury. That, Paul says, is when he knew I was the right girl for him. --Dolores Harms Penner, Mississauga, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1997)
While shopping one day, I noticed a woman wearing a beautiful cable-knit red sweater. Intrigued, I stopped her and asked if she had knit it. She had, she told me; it had been her project while giving up smoking. "But I seldom wear it," she said. "Why?" I asked. "It's really spooky," she admitted. "Every time I put it on, I want a cigarette." --Virginia Balloch, Moncton, N.B. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
Returning home on the commuter train after work, my husband and two colleagues occupied three of the spaces in the pairs of seats facing each other, while in the fourth was a stranger. My husband was telling his friends a long story, but they constantly interrupted him. After some time, the stranger turned to one of the men and in a frustrated tone said: "Will you please let him finish his story. I have to get off at the next station." --Frances Mullen, Burlington (from Life's Like That, 1998)
Well-known for his competency and ingenuity as a carpenter, my grandfather was fixing our cottage dock. He removed his watch and placed it on the dock so it wouldn't get wet. To make sure it wouldn't fall into the 84
water, he decided to anchor it around a nail. He held the nail against the wood in the centre of the band, and with one deft blow he smashed his watch to pieces. --Chris Waters, Toronto (from Life's Like That, 1998) After my husband arrived at the Montreal airport to attend a conference, he took the shuttle downtown. When he spotted his hotel a few blocks away, he decided to stretch his legs and walk the rest of the way. He got off the bus, but after a few steps, he realized that not only was the sidewalk extremely icy but he had to get down a slippery hill with nothing to hang on to. After a few seconds of deliberation, he lay his suitcase down, sat on it and glided safely down the hill. --Doreen Darby, Calgary (from Life's Like That, 1998)
I had moved to Toronto a number of years earlier and usually returned to visit my parents in Montreal once a year. But because they were getting older, I resolved to go home for Christmas, too. "Oh, Marcia, that's marvellous!" my mother cried enthusiastically when I called her. "I'm so glad you're coming home for Christmas!" "What a great welcome!" I said happily. "I'll be there around the 20th." "Great!" Mom replied. "You'll be home to look after your father. I've been invited to Florida for the holidays." --Marcia G. Tyson, Toronto (from Life's Like That, 1998)
During the last frenzied shopping days before Christmas, I sent my husband out with yet another list of errands, which included buying an anniversary card for my parents. The one he chose, "Happy Anniversary - Across the Miles," had a lovely verse inside, but I told Bill we couldn't send it. My parents live next door to us. --Christine Berkhout, Welland, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
I received a phone call from a friend who wanted to join me for part of the Christmas holidays. We were comparing schedules and I was telling her of the various commitments I, as a parish pastor, would have. I did not have a calendar in front of me and wondered aloud on which day Christmas would fall this year. "The 25th," my friend offered helpfully. --Rev. Chris Nojonen, Jansen, Sask. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
When my daughter and I returned to our car, we discovered the headlights on and the battery dead. We called my son. After he arrived, he connected jumper cables to the dead battery. Unfortunately, because of the way the car was parked, the cables wouldn't reach his battery. He asked his sister to hold them so the ends wouldn't touch while he drove around the block to position his car better. She was holding them when a truck screeched to a halt beside us. The driver looked at us incredulously and declared, "You aren't really trying to jump start that car, are you?" 85
--Mary R. Daly-Francis, Red Deer, Alta. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
To raise funds for repairs to our church, we collect bottles and cans for refunds. On one of his trips to return an unusually large number of cans, my friend Dave was asked at the store why he had so many. He explained, adding that the money went to the organ-repair fund. In a disapproving tone, the clerk said, "If the people in your church didn't drink so much beer, they'd have enough money to fix the organ!" --Violet Priddle, St. Catharines (from Life's Like That, 1998)
My husband was leaving for Europe for six weeks and I wasn't looking forward to it. As his departure day approached, I exclaimed: "I just don't know what I'm going to do with you gone for so long! Who's going to laugh with me, go for walks with me? Who's going to talk to me in bed late at night?" He sat in silence just staring at me. As I turned to leave the room, he said, "Nobody, I hope." --Julie R.Littlewood, Mississauga (from Life's Like That, 1998)
When my friend Elaine didn't answer her doorbell, my three-year-old daughter and I went through the garage and opened the door to the backyard, where I thought Elaine might be. But the door locked behind us, Elaine wasn't there, and we were now enclosed in a fenced-in yard. After an hour or so, a neighbour noticed our plight. With his help, we managed to pry open a corner of the fence and slip through. Then we reassembled the fence. Later, after hearing of our adventure, Elaine phoned. Laughing, she said, "Why didn't someone go through the garage and let you out the way you went in?" --Carolyn Giganti, Niagara Falls, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
The poor old clunker of a piano I had impulsively bought languished in a corner of our living room for a year. "It's the piano or me!" my wife finally declared. So I called a junk man whom I knew to collect it the next day. When he didn't show, I phoned again. "I've already got your piano on my truck," he claimed."Nope," I said, "it's still here." It turns out he had gone to a house on my street and asked the lady who answered the door if she had a piano to go. She'd said yes. After we talked, he took it back to her house, but she turned him away. She'd wanted to get rid of her piano for years. --John MacGillivary, St. Thomas, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
A co-worker and I were comparing our teenage daughters' skills in the kitchen. "My daughter loves to cook," I stated proudly. "She's always looking for new recipes to make." "You're lucky," she replied. "All my daughter can make is reservations." 86
--Victoria Moffat, Windsor (from Life's Like That, 1998)
I couldn't get the outboard motor started on my boat. I had tried everything I could think of when the resort owner who had been watching me came down to help. I told him everything I had already done. He turned away and began to tinker. To my amazement, within seconds the motor was running. "What did you do to get it started?" I called over the noise. "Turned the key!" he yelled back. --Cathy Zin, Fort Frances, Ont. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
I was driving home from work with my friend Bill when he rear-ended another car. Not wanting to hold up traffic, both drivers pulled onto a side street. Bill was flustered and unfortunately hit the car again. The damage was negligible, but before we went our respective ways, the other driver said, "This time, give me a five-minute head start." --P. G. Reahil, Winnipeg (from Life's Like That, 1998)
Iwas going to spray paint my antique wicker chair over at my son's house in his yard. I packed my bucket, soap, brush, paint, spread sheet, rags and solvent. I had a hat and sun screen, and a change of clothes. I had thought of everything. After weaving my way through murderous city traffic, I pulled into his driveway. And then I remembered-I hadn't brought the chair. --Edna Mahoney, Kelowna, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
At his grandmother's invitation, my 16-year-old son had his birthday party at her house while she was on vacation. The morning after the party, I called to see how things had gone. He told me some salsa had been spilled on Grandma's new carpet, but he'd cleaned it up and the red stain was gone. As I breathed a sigh of relief, he continued, "Now how do I get the bleach out?" --Heather Bain, Burnaby, B.C. (from Life's Like That, 1998)
I noticed a hand-painted gold-and-burgundy brandy snifter at my in-laws where we were celebrating their wedding anniversary. My father-in-law explained that it had been a wedding gift from Ireland they had received 40 years earlier. My brother-in-law picked it up and passed it around the dinner table. My heart was in my mouth as it went from one person to another because my in-laws seemed to habitually drop and break things. Finally it reached me and I put it back on the display case. How had this fragile keepsake lasted so long in this family, I wondered aloud. "It's the last of a set of eight," my father-in-law replied casually. 87
--Brian J. Freel (Fenwick, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
My son Ian had taken over our old home and converted it into apartments. When the street was torn up to be repaved, I found my old yard was easier to walk on than dodging the road debris on my daily trip to the post office. One of Ian's tenants complained to him that an old man was walking across the lawn every day. Ian laughed. "It's probably the same old man who told me to get the grass cut." --Hector B. Morrison (Sturgeon Falls, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
Except for special services, the attendance at our small country church has dwindled to about 20 people. At our 123rd anniversary service, we had a visiting male choir from the city and our pews were almost filled. At the social gathering after the service, the wife of one of the choir members was surprised to hear that our church doesn't have its own choir. "Well," replied one of our parishioners, "we have two choices. We can have a choir or we can have a congregation." --Ardythe Campbell (Bridgewater, N.S.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
A couple stopped beside us at a busy intersection in Vancouver. The light changed and the walk signal came on and began to chirp. The gentleman, obviously from Australia, asked what the noise was. Another pedestrian answered that it was to let the blind people know the light had changed. The tourist looked at him incredulously. "My God, mate! They let blind people drive up here?" --Fran Rolfe (Maple Ridge, B.C.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
After a week up north fishing with his friend Ken, my husband, Bob, came home with six litres of blueberries. "Ken and I split on these," he said. "Could you make us each a blueberry pie?" The next week Bob came home with two zucchinis. "Ken sent these. Could you make us each a loaf of zucchini bread?" The next morning Bob found a kilogram of hamburger meat on the kitchen table. "What's this?" he asked. "I thought you could take that to Ken's," I replied, "and he could send me home a lasagna." --Trudy Ward (Niagara Falls, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
Since my husband was a full-time student at a seminary at home in Canada and I was taking only one course, we agreed it was fair that I take responsibility for all household chores. One week the laundry piled up and I complained that all I seemed to do was laundry. That evening a young couple from Lebanon, who both attended university full time, came for dinner. They were not yet fully adjusted to life in Canada. I asked Julia who did most of the household chores. She said she did. I asked if that meant she also washed all the clothes herself, and her answer made me forget about my grumbling. "Oh, no," she replied. "I just throw them in the machine, and it washes them for me." 88
--Lynda Friesen (Krasnodar, Russia) (from Life's Like That, 1997) Every week my son-in-law takes me grocery shopping, and before we leave the store, I buy us a lottery ticket. On one occasion as I passed the ticket to him, I said, "Bob, do you think we'll ever hit the jackpot?" "Sure we will, Mom," he replied. "And when we do, we'll have our picture in the paper. My arm will be around you, and the caption will read: 'My mother-in-law. She's won in a million.'" --Therese Bennett (Halifax) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
My sister, Ruby, and I decided to leave home and get a place of our own. We went to a crowded auction where we spotted a bed that would be perfect. Ruby opened the bidding, and every time the price was raised, she nodded her head. But soon the cost was too high. We dejectedly drove home. That evening at dinner, Dad proudly told us: "I bought you girls a bed. But it wasn't cheap. Some determined lady at the auction kept bidding the price up!" --Gina Myhre (Edmonton) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
Just as I was about to sit down aboard a flight, I noticed a screwdriver lying under the seat. I picked it up and handed it to the stewardess. "Does this mean we're falling apart?" I asked. "No," she replied immediately. "I hope it means we're back together." --Diane Westwood (Woodlawn, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
My sister and her husband had just purchased a new pickup truck with a standard transmission. Gayle was determined to master driving a standard, but was finding it more difficult than she had anticipated. In a conversation with our brother, Tony, she commented on how frustrated she was at her progress. "Don't worry," he told her. "In time you'll find it becomes automatic." --Elaine Scott (Cambridge, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
While renewing my driver's licence I told the clerk that my daughter was going to give me vanity licence plates for my birthday. As I was leaving, I asked, "How much are vanity plates?" "I'm not going to tell you," she replied. Startled, I asked why not. "Because," she answered politely, "you said your daughter was giving them to you as a gift." --Fraser M. McKee (Markdale, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1997)
The congregation was asked to bring in empty breakfast-cereal cartons for use in Sunday-school projects. The number of boxes received greatly exceeded the number required, so I started to dispose of them. I was curious as to which cereal was the most popular, and just as I determined which it was, the minister appeared. I told him the result of my survey proved that bran was the most popular cereal. "It's nice to hear we have so many regular churchgoers," he replied. 89
--Robert A. Lake (Victoria) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
A dental-hygiene student from the local college was encouraging customers at the donut shop to sign up for a free teeth cleaning by one of the dental students. My husband and his partner declined, but the man behind them said "Sure!" He pulled out his set of dentures and added: "But can I have them back by noon? I'll need them for lunch." --Patricia Attwood (Bonfield, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
When my sister was 13 years old, my mom found her and her boyfriend in Claudia's room. Mom "chased" the boyfriend downstairs and firmly told both of them that there were not to be any boys upstairs. The day after Claudia and her husband, Mark, got married, after dating for seven years, they came over to my parents for dinner. Mark, standing by the banister, said to Mom: "Can I go upstairs now?" --Judy van Stralen (Hamilton) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
A lady advised me that my husband, a community volunteer worker, had won one of the prizes various local businesses had donated to the organization. His was a wash, cut and style at the barbershop. She couldn't understand why I burst into laughter, until I explained, "My husband's bald." --Irene Duguay (Chateauguay, Que.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
We noticed an elderly gentleman unlock the passenger door on his car and lend his hand to his wife as she got in. As we drew abreast of the man, my husband complimented him on his chivalry. He grinned. "Oh, I've been doing that for some time," he informed us. At that, his wife leaned out her window. "George, hadn't you better explain that the lock on your door doesn't work?" --Valerie Diefenbacher (Wallenstein, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
While I was waiting for my flight at Toronto's Pearson International Airport, an announcement was made over the public-address system: "For the convenience of passengers travelling on Flight 104, this flight has now been cancelled." --Dick Jones (Weston, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
I answered the phone on my birthday and as soon as I said hello, my father-in-law sang Happy Birthday to me. When he finished, I thanked him and said, "It's a good thing you got the right number." "Well, the first time I didn't," he confessed, "but the lady I reached told me I needed the practice." 90
--L. Calder (Seagrave, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
Because I had missed a few appointments with my chiropractor, his receptionist, Shirley, started calling me with a reminder. Once, however, I made it to the office without the customary phone call from her. She ushered me into the doctor's office, and when I came out, I told her how pleased I was that I had remembered. "Actually," she said, "your appointment's not till next week." --Patt Costa (Osoyoos, B.C.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
Just as my three-year-old son, Andrew, came into the kitchen wearing his dad's fly-fishing vest, the phone rang. I asked my five-year-old to answer while I removed the vest before one of the sharp hooks adorning it hurt Andrew. When I finally took the phone, the caller told me she had a wrong number. "But out of curiosity, I decided to stay on the line," she continued, "because the child who answered told me his mommy couldn't come to the phone, she wasn't done taking Daddy's clothes off." --Lori Vooys (Milo, Alta.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
Some other ladies and I were guests of a mutual friend for lunch. The menu was prearranged, but there was a choice of desserts. As the inexperienced young waitress stood nearby, one of us, after considerable indecision, said, "I'd order this if someone would share it with me." In a grand effort to please, our waitress timidly said, "If you like, I'll eat half." --Nan Haley (St. Andrews, N.B.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
I rejoiced when my son finally got his driver's licence. Now he didn't always have to rely on me to drive him to basketball practice. The rejoicing lasted until I opened the garage door, car keys in hand, ready to go grocery shopping-and found no car. --Marlace Berg Zacharias (Fiske, Sask.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
Although my friend Dorothy and I thought we had noted carefully where we had left the car in the parking garage, we couldn't find it when we returned. We were getting upset when, all of a sudden, Dorothy exclaimed, "I know!" She reached into her bag and pressed the trunk button on her remote control. Instantly we saw a trunk lid rise in the distance. --Marianne Harvey (Willowdale, Ont.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
I decided that my two boys and I should see an eye doctor for long-overdue checkups. I was approaching 40 and thought perhaps I needed glasses. Nick, 14, was having a lot of headaches, and Zack, my youngest, was sitting too close to the TV.
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The ophthalmologist entered and asked us what the problems were. After relating to him a brief history of our complaints, he looked at Zack. "So, young fellow, you can't see the television?" "No," replied Zack, "I can't hear it." --Jennifer Zildjan (Sydney River, N.S.) (from Life's Like That, 1998)
While waiting at a bus stop, my friend and I noticed a man in a business suit loading up the family minivan. He piled groceries in through the back door and belted several children into car seats. He tossed a briefcase in and put a laptop computer bag on the floor. Then he climbed in. As he drove off, we learned a great deal about him from his personalized licence plate. It read: x-hippy. --C. S. Atwood, Queensville, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
After shoulder surgery my husband, Bob, was laid up for several weeks with his arm in a sling. Since his movement was limited, he spent a lot of time in front of the TV. When the remote went missing, he was quite annoyed. Our two-year-old son was suspect, but he repeatedly denied having taken it. Every nook and cranny in the house was searched. Not until three days later did Bob find the remote, tucked in his sling. --Cathi Stevenson, Dartmouth, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997) When I was learning to drive, I chose a quiet street with only one car at the curb to practise my parallel parking. Just as I was making a third attempt to get into position, a man emerged from a house across the street, got into the car and drove it into his driveway. --Lynn Childerhose, Vernon, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
I was sure my husband should have his eyes checked, but he always insisted his vision was fine. One afternoon he stood squinting at the appointment calendar and said, "I see I'm to go to the optometrist tomorrow at four." He sounded annoyed. "Did you call him?" Knowing I hadn't, I checked the calendar. The appointment was for ten, with the dentist. That day he called the optometrist. --Jean Hunt, Aylmer, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
One other lady was already in the labour room when I arrived to await the birth of my baby. Only 15 or so minutes later, with labour pains coming quickly, I rang for the nurse. As I was being wheeled into the delivery room, I heard my roommate cry: "But she can't go! I was here first! --Marlene Reeve, Edmonton, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
My large and imposing Vizsla dog, although gentle and shy with strangers, barks at cars pulling into our rural driveway. One day a young man arrived to see some furniture we had advertised for sale, but he refused to get out of his car because of the barking dog. I was surprised when he drove away before I could get the dog. 92
When I spoke to the man later on the phone, he agreed to return if I put the dog in its kennel. I understood his fear when he told me he was a mailman. --Elizabeth Szekeres, Brampton, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
As a newlywed it was difficult for me to match my mother-in-law's marvellous cooking. I searched for new recipes, and finally found an excellent one in a locally produced community cookbook. The blueberry crisp turned out even better than hers. Not until the next time I made the dessert did I notice the name of the contributor: my mother-in-law. --Suzanne Murray, Kimberley, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
On Daffodil Day, when daffodils are sold in aid of cancer research, I wanted my husband and five children to know how happy I was to have survived the disease. I bought the nicest bouquet I could find and took it home for the dining-room table. As I walked in the door, I was amazed at the profusion of blooms. Mine was the seventh bouquet. --M. Pearson, Calgary, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
When my mother-in-law ordered a cake for my wedding anniversary, she made a point of instructing the bakery, "That's Thompson with a 'p'." Later when she went to pick her order up, she noticed that on the box they had written "Mrs. Phompson." --Sherry Thompson, Waterloo, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
At one of the convent's penny auctions to raise money, my aunt, a nun, bought a number of tickets. Among all the prizes, she was interested only in the cash prize. She placed all her tickets in the container for that one draw. And her number came up! She hurried to the stage to claim her money, but discovered she had put her tickets in the wrong container. She had won a make-up kit containing 40 different shades of eye shadow. --Lori M. Parks, Nolalu, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
Our family's first foray into farming was an experience for all of us, especially our four children. We went to great lengths to impress on them that the animals were not pets and they shouldn't get attached to them. We knew we got the message across when we learned what our 14-year-old daugh-ter had named our latest acquisition. The pigs were called Bacon and Ribs. --Olga Hymers, Quesnel, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
While delivering a sermon on the Seventh Commandment, "Thou shalt not commit adultery," our pastor commented that this sin is not always taken as seriously as it used to be. He used as an example Hester Prynne, in Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter. After being found guilty of adultery, Hester had to appear in public with an "A" displayed on her clothing. 93
Following the sermon, a visiting male choir, the Ambassadors, faced the congregation-with a brightly embroidered "A" on each of their blazers. --John Nusselder, Grimsby, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
My friend Carolyn is an insatiable scavenger. At the garbage dump one day she picked up an old swing set she felt would be perfect for her cousin's daughter. The youngster beamed as Carolyn drove up the driveway with the set in the back of her truck . "Mom," the girl cried, "Cousin Carolyn brought back our swing set." --James J. Smedley, Wawa, Canada (from Life's Like That, 1997)
A number of years ago I had applied for financial assistance through a home-repair program. The receptionist phoned to inform me that my application had been reviewed and I could go ahead with my plans. She then added, "In order to receive assistance, you will have to sign papers that you will live in this home for at least five years." "I can't agree to that," I said. "I could be dead in five years." "Oh, that would be fine," she replied. --Virginia Legge (from Life's Like That, 1994)
The bus on which I was travelling stopped to pick up a passenger. The lady hesitated at the doorway before boarding and, with a look of concern, asked the driver, "Do you take looneys?" "No problem," lady, he replied. "I take anyone." --Stephen Nicoll (from Life's Like That, 1990)
On the way home from shopping on a sweltering midsummer afternoon, my friend Brian and I noticed a man sitting at the side of the road. The hood of his car was up, and he was apparently waiting for a tow truck. The light at our intersection was red. Brian frantically dug through the grocery bags, opened the door and dashed over to the stranded man. He came back just as the light changed, saying only, "He looked hot." I glanced back--and saw the man unwrapping a Popsicle. --Shirley Porter (from Life's Like That, 1991)
At one home on my husband's letter-carrying route, the dog on the other side of the mail slot always barked excitedly and eagerly grabbed the mail. One day the dog's owner explained that the spaniel had started bringing the mail upstairs to him soon after he got him, so he promptly rewarded with a treat. 94
After several months there was a slight change in procedure: The dog still delivered the mail upstairs--but only one piece at a time. --Sheila Wipperman (from Life's Like That, 1990)
A spry 82, I try to maintain the attitude and energy of a younger person. One day I spotted an elderly lady waiting to enter a crosswalk. To give her confidence I gently took her by the elbow and crossed with her. At the other side, she held my hand in both of hers. "Now," she said, "can you go the rest of the way yourself?" --R. M. Grant (from Life's Like That, 1990)
My husband, Ian, and I attempted snorkelling for the first time during a vacation in Hawaii. I thought it would be romantic to hold hands underwater, and so I reached out and grabbed Ian's hand. We continued paddling around until I noticed we were very close to a coral reef. Having been warned of the dangers, I pulled on Ian's hand to direct him away from the reef. When I met resistance, I stood up to stop him, and was shocked to find myself holding hands with a complete stranger. --Renita Graham (from Life's Like That, 1991)
While visiting France, my sister and her husband stayed at a rural inn. It was their custom to order ice from room service for a pre-dinner co*cktail, but they had no idea how strange this must have seemed in an area famous for its wines. On the final night of their stay, they decided to patronize the inn's small dining room for the first time. After they were seated, the restaurant staff gathered around with obvious curiosity. Placed at each end of the table was a big bowl of ice--and a spoon. --Pat Michener (from Life's Like That, 1990)
I phoned our local hardware store to ask about renting their rug shampoo machine. "Would it be free on Saturday?" "No," said the young man who answered. I inquired about a couple of different days. The answer was still no. "What day is it free?" I finally asked. "I'll get the manager," he replied, "but I don't think you can get it free any day." --Nellie Grant (from Life's Like That, 1990)
A few days before Easter my father took some chocolate eggs to an acquaintance--a nun who lived with seven or eight others. He didn't want to disturb their morning prayers, so he left his package in a plastic bin outside their front door. He also left his business card, on which he had written the nun's name. 95
When he hadn't received any acknowledgement by midafternoon, he phoned her. Apparently she hadn't received the package, so my father told her that he had left some chocolate eggs on the porch. "That would explain the curious note we found this morning!" she exclaimed. "It read: 'Thank you. This is truly appreciated.' It was signed, 'The Milkman.'" --Nathalie Fontaine (from Life's Like That, 1991) While the electricity company was replacing the transmission lines, my parents had to endure power outages at all hours of the day and night. With each shutdown, Mother would call the area manager collect--several times a week. Late one night, with the electricity off again, everyone went to bed. At 4:00 a.m. the telephone rang. It was a collect call for Mother from the long-suffering manager--he wanted her to know that the power was back on. --M. L. de Martigny (from Life's Like That, 1990)
Visiting a friend in a retirement home, I overheard two elderly ladies discussing a television program about the marriage of the Duke and duch*ess of York in England. The lady closest to me said in a wistful voice, "I wonder what it's like to be courted by a prince?" Her neighbour slowly turned, glanced lovingly at her husband who was dozing in a wheelchair in the corner of the room and said, "It's wonderful." --M. Helen Trilesky (from Life's Like That, 1991)
At the first family dinner my husband attended, my father, with a twinkle in his eyes, tested his new son-inlaw: "Well Mark, who's the better cook, Michelle or her mother?" My mouth froze in mid-bite as my parents' and four brothers' eyes focused on Mark. With exquisite diplomacy he replied, "I'd say Michelle learned everything she knows from her mother." --Michelle Fardy (from Life's Like That, 1991)
When I entered a teaching hospital for eye surgery, I expected the operation to be done under a general anesthetic. But the ophthalmologist informed me that he preferred to use a local anesthetic. I was given a light sedative, so I was aware of each step of the procedure. I n my state of euphoria, I must have missed some of the operating-room commentary, because what I had heard was the doctor when he said, "Never say 'oops' during a local!" --Michael R. Davidson (from Life's Like That, 1990)
While shopping I noticed a member of the Royal Canadian Legion selling poppies at the mall entrance. Looking in my purse for money, I asked, "Is there a particular price for a poppy, or do we give what we want?" "Well, dear," she answered gently, "it's what you think your freedom is worth." 96
--Lynne Arseneau (from Life's Like That, 1991)
An older lady in our town remarried after years of widowhood. She chose her only daughter to be her matron of honour, and asked her daughter's husband to escort her down the aisle. "I was delighted to be asked for this honour," he told the guests at the reception. "After all, there are few men indeed who get the chance to give away their mother-in-law." --Lucy Ellen Eaton (from Life's Like That, 1991)
Just before our son had a new house built, our grandsons gave my husband, Gordon, a cap with inspector on it. He diligently wore it when he went over to the site to watch the construction. When the house was completed the foreman approached Gordon and said, "Having an inspector on the job sure kept our crew on their toes." --Leslie Skinner (from Life's Like That, 1991)
On my grandparents' small farm there was one cow that would open the gate with her horns and escape to eat vegetables from my grandmother's garden. Grandfather experimented with different types of hooks and locks, but all his efforts were in vain: The old jersey always found a way to get through the gate. In desperation Grandfather wrapped a length of chain around the gatepost and padlocked it. "Do you think this will hold old Betsy in her yard?" asked my grandmother. "I sure hope so," he replied, "but to be on the safe side I hid the key." --Laurent d'Entremont (from Life's Like That, 1991)
My parents, both in their 80s, were glad to find a bench outside our local mall. After enjoying the sunshine for a while, they were about to move on when a well-dressed young man with a briefcase approached them. Without preliminaries, he said to my father, "Are you a happy man?" Rather startled, but polite as always, my father admitted, "Well, yes, I suppose I am." "And so you should be, with such a beautiful woman sitting beside you," said the young man, and walked away. --Juliet Eastman (from Life's Like That, 1990)
After a long day of pressing clothes in 30 degree heat, I was expecting my husband, Garth, to meet me after work. I waited for quite some time before walking the 2-1/2 kilometres home, to find Garth sitting in the living room. "Why didn't you pick me up?" I demanded. 97
"Pick you up!" he exclaimed. "You had the car." --Joyce Sexsmith (from Life's Like That, 1992)
Running low on fuel around midnight, I pulled into a gas station with a 24-hour service sign. The attendant came out of his kiosk and said, "Sorry, we're closing up." I pointed to the sign. "But you're open 24 hours." "Yeah," he answered, "but not every day." --John C. Barron (from Life's Like That, 1991)
A friend of mine was expecting her first child. When she called the hospital to register for summer prenatal classes, the receptionist replied: "I'm sorry, all our classes are booked until October. Can you hang on?" My friend was flabbergasted: "How can I possibly hang on? The baby is due in September." A moment later she heard the woman say: "I'm back. Thanks for hanging on." --Joanne Owens (from Life's Like That, 1991)
I was leading a group of beginning mountain climbers near the summit of Mount Athabasca in the Rockies when we came to an apparent drop off. Leaving my nervous charges in a secure position, I climbed up to investigate. Just as I reached the edge I tripped and somersaulted down the other side, landing unhurt in the snow a short distance below. With as much dignity as I could muster I called back: "It's safe. Follow me!" The next person on the rope appeared at the edge, hesitated, then dutifully dived headfirst down the slope in a perfect imitation of my technique. --Jo Ann Creore (from Life's Like That, 1991)
The day after playing in an American Hockey League game, my friend Jacques was driving around an unfamiliar city. He stopped by the side of the road to study his map, and a passerby offered to help. "You lost?" Flattered by the apparent recognition, Jacques replied, "No, we won 5-4." --Jeannie Malcolm (from Life's Like That, 1991)
On our first out-of-the-country vacation we travelled to Freeport in the Bahamas. At customs, my mother-inlaw, my husband and our three sons produced their birth certificates as requested. But not me. The customs officer became grimmer by the minute while I rooted desperately in my purse. Visions of being refused 98
entry were creating panic in all of us, when one of my sons suggested, "Mom, why don't you show him your library card?" Resigned, the official handed back all the other certificates and waved us through. --Irene Grobowsky (from Life's Like That, 1991)
One day my wife called me at the office, in St. John's, Nfld., because she was upset about a character taking pictures of our new house from his car. I called the police and was informed that there was no law against such action, but was advised that if the car returned we should notify them. Later, at lunch, I sat next to a judge who was in town on business, and told him about the stranger who had frightened my wife. "Where do you live?" he asked. I gave him the street name and address. "My daughter who now lives in Victoria," he told me, "lived there before you bought the house. I went by on the way from the airport to get a picture to send to her." --Ira E. Barrow (from Life's Like That, 1991)
Juggling the roles of wife, mother and part-time nurse, I was exhausted by summer's end. The household chores and meals had slipped badly, and no one seemed to have noticed. Desperate, I appealed to my husband. So there could be no misunderstanding as to how I was feeling, I used words like frazzled, overextended, physically, spiritually and emotionally drained. Later in the day, I overheard my husband making the same appeal on my behalf to our two sons. When the talk was over, the younger one asked his father, "What's for supper, Dad?" "I don't know," he replied. "You'll have to ask your mother." --Helen Elliott (from Life's Like That, 1991)
My brother Ray, a building contractor, was driving from Alberta to help me clear some land and do a little fishing in the lake in front of my new property. Because he was unfamiliar with the B.C. Interior, I had given him detailed instructions. But we agreed that I would place a pole, with a pink insulation bag attached to it, at the gate to the property. On my way to put it up, though, I heard a car going back and forth along the gravel road. As I emerged through the trees, Ray's car came slowly to a halt in front of me. "You know, George," he remarked when he was out of the car, "I'm sure I would have recognized you without the insulation bag." --George Smith (from Life's Like That, 1991)
Even after 32 years of marriage my parents do everything together. They left on their usual errands early one morning and returned from shopping around 3 p m. When my mother realized that they had forgotten to pick up the birthday cake for a party that night, she decided to go herself to pick it up. 99
An hour later she returned laughing uproariously. "You know you've been spending a lot of time with your husband," she told me, "when you run to the store yourself, pay the check, return to the car, get into the passenger side--and wait impatiently for your husband to drive you home!" --Gabrielle M. Perthen (from Life's Like That, 1991)
One day, the temperature in Winnipeg hovering around -30 degrees, I was in the supermarket when a gentleman with an unusual accent asked for directions to the produce department. As I tried to place the accent, I asked him how he liked the weather. "It's nice," he said. "Like back home." Then I asked him where home was. "Siberia," he replied. --Fran Stergar (from Life's Like That, 1991) My son Steve, his wife and I were travelling from British Columbia to visit my other son, Kurt, in Washington. At the border the customs official asked us where we were going, and Steve replied, "I'm taking my mother to Mount Vernon to meet my brother." Startled, the official queried, "Doesn't your mother know your brother?" --Faith Imbach (from Life's Like That, 1991)
After a week in Canada my German husband to be, Hans, needed some clothes cleaned. At the laundromat I carefully explained the washing and drying procedures. We sorted colours, whites and unbleachables, and soon we had three machines going. I had a quick errand to run and confidently left him in charge. When I drove by 30 minutes later, I was surprised to see him standing outside the laundromat, wet clothes in tow. "What happened?" I shouted. Hans replied, "What is a dime?" --Eleanor Dorst (from Life's Like That, 1991)
My friend Barry was planting a hundred trees and wanted to get the task done before he left for the weekend. He was half done when his young son and nephew showed up and offered to finish the job. When Barry returned two days later he found that every tree he had planted had been dug up and carefully arranged in groups of ten, to match the unplanted ones. --Eileen Milne (from Life's Like That, 1991)
I had washed my husband's mesh shoes and put them on the roof rack of our station wagon to dry. Later that day I drove to the shopping centre, and when I came out my daughter was sitting in the car. "Now wouldn't you be embarrassed if this hadn't been our car?" I asked her. 100
"It had to be ours, Mom," she replied. "Dad's shoes are on the roof." --Dianne Ford (from Life's Like That, 1991)
After living in Simcoe, Ont., for two years, my husband and I felt we were settling in and becoming part of the community. But at one potluck supper I overheard a conversation that made me realize we had a long way to go. Two ladies were discussing another family. One asked if they were Simcoeites, and the other replied that they most certainly were not: after all, they had only been living in Simcoe for 30 years. --Daye Sutherland (from Life's Like That, 1991)
When my husband, Noel, started working at city hall as a purchasing agent in a new community, he was unfamiliar with the names of the prominent local people. He once answered his phone and heard, "Hi, this is Ross Archer." "And what company are you with?" Noel asked. There was a pause, then: "Yours. I'm the mayor." --Darlene Banavage (from Life's Like That, 1991)
Jacquie's husband is an avid hunter. He let his enthusiasm outweigh his common sense, though, when he purchased a shotgun for her one Christmas. My friend never used the gun, but her husband managed to try it out a few times. The next Christmas, Jacquie gave her husband a beautiful new dress. --Cindy Price (from Life's Like That, 1991)
My grandmother and her sister were never at a loss for words, especially when they got together. Once, they were doing the dishes after a big family dinner, chatting animatedly. After drying what seemed like an overabundance of platters, Aunt Flossie remarked, "Gosh, Pearl, how many of these platters do you have?" "Just one," Grandma said. "Why?" They discovered they had been so wrapped up in their talk that every time Aunt Flossie put the clean platter on the counter, Grandma picked it up and washed it again. --Cheryl A. Wilks (from Life's Like That, 1990)
After my retirement as a schoolteacher, I wanted an interesting hobby. I decided to deal in out-of-print books through the mail. 101
Some years after I got started, my wife and I were at a hotel in London, on a vacation trip. One evening we had just sat down in the dining room when three people came in and took a table next to ours. I leaned across and asked one of them, "What part of the world are you from?" "New York," the man informed me. He then asked me where we were from, and I told him Winnipeg. "Winnipeg?" he said. "I once had a contact in Winnipeg. A man called Foster I bought a book from a few years ago." I extended my hand to him: "I'm very pleased to meet you." --Cecil C. Foster (from Life's Like That, 1990)
While taking a train journey, my sister decided to pass the time by writing a letter to her boyfriend. She gave him all her recent news, then wrote, "I think I'd better sign off now because the woman sitting next to me is reading this over my shoulder." "Oh, no I'm not!" said her fellow passenger indignantly. --Carolyn Emmett (from Life's Like That, 1991)
When my father-in-law ran out of paint, he returned to the local store for more. A different salesman than had served him initially was puzzled by the colour number. "I'm sorry, sir," he apologized, "but there's no such shade of green in this paint line." "Do you mean to tell me," replied my father-in-law, "that this is a pigment of my imagination?" --Brenda J. Gardner (from Life's Like That, 1991)
When my wife and I travel, we proudly display the Canadian flag with a patch on our bags or a pin on our lapel. Wherever we go, people will often give us a warm smile and a friendly comment. While touring Holland, we stopped at the Vincent Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam. We were enjoying the fabulous art when a museum guard spotted our Canadian flags. He looked at us, glanced again at our flags and back at our faces. Then, in an accusing voice, he said in his best English, "You sold Gretzky!" --Blake Harley (from Life's Like That, 1990)
A friend of mine is, as my Scottish mother would say, careful. This admirable trait was exemplified recently at a gathering to celebrate my birthday. One of my gifts was a fabric wallet with a Velcro closure. When I opened the wallet, my friend exclaimed: "Oh, a wallet that screams when you open it! How lovely!" --A. Lynne Thornton (from Life's Like That, 1991)
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My 15-year-old son asked me to drive him to his job. Once we were in the car and several minutes had passed in silence, I attempted to open the lines of communication. "Did you have a nice day at school?" "Yep." "Any homework to do?" "Nope." "You got your hair cut" "Yep." "This is a monosyllabic conversation isn't it?" "Yep." "You do know what monosyllabic means?" "Yep." "Well, tell me." Aha, I thought, now he has to give me a dictionary explanation. With a mischievous grin and a sly look at me, he replied, "One." --Frances Wirvin (from Life's Like That, 1992)
After a heated encounter with surveyors in regard to the correct placing of a property stake, my wife phoned my office. My boss answered and took the message. His note read: "Your wife phoned to say she got the property stake put just where she wanted it, but I think there may be a surveyor under it!" --William J. Nicholson (from Life's Like That, 1991)
My parents owned a 1978 van that had been converted into a recreational vehicle. We had gone on many trips in it, but now it was becoming an eyesore in the driveway. Dad tried to sell the van for $100--no buyers. He then tried to give it away--no takers. Finally he decided to sell parts of it--seats, sink, fridge, stove, etc.--and collected more than $400. --Veronica Gervais (from Life's Like That, 1991)
The children's Christmas concert at my friend's church was titled "The Star of Bethlehem." The performance was to open with some of the children carrying letters to spell the title. Backstage was a frantic scene of activity getting everyone in the right order. As the curtain went up and the children appeared on stage, the audience broke into laughter. The four children carrying the letters for "S-T-A-R" had come in reverse order. The title was now THE RATS OF BETHLEHEM. --Tom Cowan (from Life's Like That, 1993) 103
Somehow a small chipmunk had found its way into our basem*nt one winter evening, and my husband, John, had been frantically trying to catch the small creature before our cat did. When it fell into our sumppump hole, which was filled with water, he finally nabbed it. I went downstairs a short time later and found John with my hair dryer, blow-drying the chipmunk's fur before returning it to the outdoors. --Sherri Rennie (from Life's Like That, 1992)
Having been raised in a large, outgoing family in Ontario, I found my Dutch husband's family quite the contrast when we spent the first few months of married life in Holland. Perhaps they would feel more casual towards me in time, I thought. Sixteen years passed, with my husband often teasing me about the strong memories I held of his family's rigid formality. I decided little had changed, however, when recently I answered an overseas call and heard, "Mrs. Platteel, this is your brother-in-law." --Sharon Platteel (from Life's Like That, 1991)
Trying to get my teenage son to clean his room was a monumental struggle. Finally I threatened, "If you don't have that room cleaned by Monday, I'll clean it for you!" Monday morning came, and it was still a disaster. As he left for school, I reminded him of my threat. As it happened, I was so busy that I never got to it. When he came home, he walked straight by me without saying a word. A few moments later he came back into the kitchen, put his arm around my shoulders and said, "Thanks, Mom, you cleaned my room just the way I like it." --Sharley Sheridan (from Life's Like That, 1991) After we returned from taking our son to a distant college, my husband and I looked in his room: the trophies, mementoes and pictures he had abandoned were reminders of the 18 years that had gone by all too quickly. As I automatically started to dust and rearrange things, I began to sob uncontrollably. Just then our other son walked in, was shocked to find me crying and asked his dad, "What's the matter with Mom?" Instead of going into detail on how difficult it is for parents to let their children go, his dad replied, "Oh, well, Mom was just dusting Mike's room, and it made her cry." "Yeah, it was pretty bad," Martin said, as he quickly grabbed the duster and went into his own room. --Ruth Penninga (from Life's Like That, 1992)
My son's intention was to propose to Linda somewhere in the Rocky Mountains on their way to British Columbia from Calgary. The first likely place he chose didn't, on closer inspection, look too inviting. He drove on and came across a picnic area with a small waterfall. He stopped to propose in the old-fashioned way, and was accepted. They later learned that the site he had chosen was at the foot of Fidelity Mountain. 104
--Roy E. Kaiser (from Life's Like That, 1992)
The custom of hiding candy Easter eggs all over the house was new to my mother, who was visiting us from England. She watched with delight as the children scurried around finding eggs in some very unusual places. When the youngest emerged triumphantly from the downstairs washroom with a damp and sticky pink egg, enlightenment dawned on my mother's face. "That's why I had such a time washing my hands," she exclaimed. "The soap was made of sugar." --Rowena Lewis (from Life's Like That, 1992)
My father-in-law and I went grocery shopping at the local food mart. As we proceeded down the aisle, a woman with whom he was acquainted inquired about some work she needed to the rear bumper of her car. My father-in-law, a mechanic and known in those parts as Mr. Fix-it, said he'd drop by and have a look at it. As we were leaving he spied the woman across the crowded parking lot. "Hold on a second, dear," he yelled to her as she was getting into her car. "I want to look at your rear end." --Robert H. Ritcey (from Life's Like That, 1992)
I needed to use the four-wheel drive, but remembered there had been some problems with it. I phoned my husband, who was away on business, to make sure it was all right to drive. "Sure, take the truck, but it has a low tire so you need to fill it." He gave me detailed instructions on attaching different couplers together to the air-compressor hose. His final comment was: "If you have any problems, get Luke to help you. He knows what to do." A short time later, my father-in-law, who knew about the back tire, phoned to give similar instructions. His parting advice was: "If you have problems, ask Luke. He knows what to do." Luke is my five-year-old son. --Rachel S. Booker (from Life's Like That, 1992)
My friend Dean was buying a shop vacuum and, wanting to be sure he had the right one, asked at the checkout if the vacuum had two speeds. "Yes, sir," replied the clerk. "On and off." --Pierre Halotier (from Life's Like That, 1991)
While my father was away on a business trip, his truck was stolen from our driveway. We called the police and gave them a description of the vehicle. Two hours later a policeman arrived at the house. "I found your truck," he said to my mother. "It's in good condition, possibly in better condition than it was a few days ago. Your husband had arranged for someone from the garage to pick it up." 105
--Natalie Landry (from Life's Like That, 1991)
While assembling their new waterbed, my sister Betty and her husband, Everett, realized they needed a water hose. Everett dashed to the hardware store and bought one. They attached the hose to the bed, ran it through the apartment to the kitchen tap, and then left the room to wait for the bed to fill. About an hour later they checked on its progress. That's when they discovered Everett had bought a sprinkler hose. --Nancy Boddy (from Life's Like That, 1992)
When my husband and I purchased our dream home, we had little money left over to furnish all of our newly acquired space. My mother saw it as the perfect opportunity to thin out what she considered to be her overcrowded house and at the same time, to help us get started. On several occasions when my father came over he remarked, "We have one just like that at home." "Not anymore," I always replied. One day he dropped by, sat in an armchair that was once his and observed. "The only thing missing over here is me." --Maureen Wheller (from Life's Like That, 1991)
My son and his fiancée were dining out with friends. While they were enjoying the salad, a ladybug crawled to the top of a lettuce leaf. They told their waitress when she returned to their table. "Oh," she replied with feigned pleasure, "we've been looking for her all day!" --Mary Fehr (from Life's Like That, 1991)
While driving through northwestern Manitoba my husband, Donald, and I stopped to have breakfast at a roadside restaurant. Donald asked the waitress for a poached egg on brown toast. She read back the order: "One poached egg on toast." "That's brown toast," Donald corrected. "No problem," the waitress replied. "I'll push it down twice." --Marjorie Eckert (from Life's Like That, 1991)
While planning our trip to Europe, my husband looked after our passports. I was surprised to read on our application forms that his hair colour was silver, mine was grey. --Marie Link (from Life's Like That, 1991) 106
My mother, who could pass for 50, was celebrating her 70th birthday. I phoned to say our family of seven wouldn't be by until later in the day as some of the children had morning commitments. To prepare her for an interrogation when we arrived, I explained that her Grade III grandson's assignment that day was to interview an elderly person. A firm believer in getting homework done, my mother saw this as a legitimate excuse for our delay. "Of course," she reasoned, "he'll have to do that before you can come here." --Marian den Boer (from Life's Like That, 1991)
Mother had left instructions that my brother and I, teenagers, were to be up by 10 a.m. on Saturday to get our chores finished by noon. My parents went shopping early and returned at 11, just as I was getting out of bed and my brother was still resting. After much chiding, prodding and generally organizing us, mother flopped on to the couch and said: "That's it. I'm not having any more teenagers. The labour is just too difficult." --Marcia E. H. Beacham (from Life's Like That, 1992)
Shortly after our day shift began, one of the nurses received a phone call informing her that her son had been involved in an accident and was in the emergency room. The colour drained from her face; she raced from the ward, breathlessly into the ER. Her son greeted her with, "It's okay, Mom, I put on clean underwear this morning." --M. J. Beeby (from Life's Like That, 1991)
Extremely tired of nagging my children to do their everyday chores, I typed up a list of rules and went over all 31 with them. A little while later, my husband walked over and read the posted list, looked at me and said, "God made only ten Commandments." --Lori Symbol (from Life's Like That, 1992)
During preparations for a family dinner my grandson who is a dessert chef, volunteered to make a cheesecake. He left the recipe with her mother so that she could buy the ingredients. She noticed, after the listing of ingredients, temperature and baking time, these unusual instructions: "Be sure to close the oven door." --Lenora D. Pope (from Life's Like That, 1992)
Edward, my husband, has three sisters, and we all get along splendidly. I never realized how splendidly, though, until one night at a family dinner when we were discussing how it seemed that married couples 107
don't stay together anymore. Edward's oldest sister said it would be a shame if he and I separated. Curious, I asked why. "Well," she answered, "where would poor Edward have Christmas dinner?" --Lee Ann White (from Life's Like That, 1991)
During the first heavy snowfall of the year, I ran upstairs to my apartment to retrieve the plastic storage box in which I kept the winter supplies for my car. Hurrying back out of the building, I slipped on the last step, fell forward, landed flat on my stomach on top of the container and skidded across the icy parking lot. As I stood up, trying to restore my dignity, a voice called out to me: "Aren't those Rubbermaid products wonderful? They just seem to have so many uses." --K. Wiltse (from Life's Like That, 1993)
We see many hunters near our farm in a large valley in rural Manitoba. Most noticeable are the camouflaged strangers from the city, anxiously "scouting" in the early hours. My husband was walking across our yard one morning and spotted a group of goose hunters belly-crawling through our neighbour's muddy field. He stopped to watch. Finally the hunters thought they were within firing range, so they rose to scare the flock. Much to their dismay, not one bird moved--they had been sneaking up on a flock of decoys. --Kristel Sierens (from Life's Like That, 1991) The father of a friend of mine called a local store to ask if a certain item was in stock. The store was notorious for putting its customers on hold for long periods of time, sometimes never returning. This appeared to be the case with this call. Irate, my friend's dad went to his car, travelled 13 kilometres to the store, approached the counter and pointed to the blinking red light on the telephone on the counter. "Do you realize," he said, "that the person on the other end of that red light is me?" --Ken MacDonald (from Life's Like That, 1992)
Although my father comes from a large Nova Scotia family, most of my relatives were strangers to me until I left our Calgary home and enrolled in St. Francis Xavier University. Hitchhiking one weekend to the university town of Antigonish, my friend and I stood in a downpour waiting for what seemed like hours for a ride. Finally a car stopped, and we got in. The driver turned to ask where we were going, looking at me, and did a double take. Stopping in midsentence, he asked my name. I told him. He smiled, stretched out his hand and said, "Hi, I'm your uncle Jim." --Joel Thompson (from Life's Like That, 1992)
We flew to Victoria for our honeymoon, and as soon as we landed, we rented a car. We were so impressed with the sporty model they gave us that we jumped right in and dashed off to the city. 108
Reaching our hotel, we realized we had forgotten to claim our luggage. We drove back to the airport where my husband was directed to a small office. Self-consciously, he told the man behind the desk that we were on our honeymoon. "That would explain," he observed, "why you didn't need your clothes." --Joanne Burek (from Life's Like That, 1992)
After years of cooking meals for four strapping sons, I found it hard to adjust to cooking for just myself. One thanksgiving when the boys couldn't make it home, I decided to have roast turkey anyway. At the local poultry market, I took my time checking the birds, but they were all too large. Finally I asked the patient clerk if he had anything smaller. "Indeed we do, ma'am," he said. "We call them eggs." --Joan Thompson (from Life's Like That, 1991)
To her horror my sister discovered she had just locked herself out of her apartment, leaving her six-monthold daughter alone inside. She ran down the street to my parents' house to get my father, who is the district chief of the volunteer fire department. With the help of another volunteer fireman, Dad grabbed a ladder, and they rushed to Tracy's apartment. She waited anxiously beside her door in the hall while Dad climbed up to a second-floor window. Within seconds the outside window was removed, then the screen and finally the inside window. Minutes later, grinning sheepishly, Dad appeared in the hall--from Tracy's neighbour's apartment. --Jeffrey A. Stevens (from Life's Like That, 1991)
As I stood beside my car, a small dog wearing a bright red sweater ran up to me. His owners, fashionably attired, stopped to ask if the dog was bothering me. I answered no and told them how much I admired the dog's sweater. "Yes," replied the young lady, "isn't it handsome? His grandmother knit it for him." --Jean Crocker (from Life's Like That, 1992)
We hadn't heard our alarm clock, so my husband and I were late. He rushed out to drive to work, and I followed about 20 minutes later. As I sped along, I suddenly spotted a policeman waving me over. He checked my licence, then looked up and asked, "Does your husband drive a 300ZX?" "Yes," I replied. He smiled and handed the licence back. "I'll let you off this time. Your husband already got a ticket this morning." --J. Richman (from Life's Like That, 1992)
As I was passing through the household goods section of a large department store, I noticed two matrons evaluating the bathroom scales. One, sans coat and purse, stood on a scale while her friend studied the dial. They repeated this on several scales, until finally there was a triumphant announcement: "Take this one, Elizabeth. It weighs you a pound less than the others." 109
--J. A. Charters (from Life's Like That, 1992)
During a break in our softball practice, I was chatting with a new team member and she asked my surname. "It's Lenson," I said, "just like Benson, but with an L." Then I asked, "and what's yours?" Without hesitation she replied, "Benson--just like Lenson, but with a B." --Patti Lenson (from Life's Like That, 1991)
I was one of the last to board the aircraft, and after struggling past passengers stowing their gear, I finally reached my seat. Sitting by the aisle was a lady in her late 80s, still dressed in her hat and coat, clutching her purse. Because I was laden down with my briefcase and heavy parka, I said to her, "If you'd like the window seat, you're welcome to it." "No, thank you," she replied as she started to get up. "Please just stay where you are," I said, "I'll crawl over you." She rewarded me with a big smile and said, "That's wonderful! I haven't had a man crawl over me for years." --Graham Richardson (from Life's Like That, 1991)
My husband and I and three other couples were attending our sons' minor hockey tournament. The boys were billeted in private homes and the parents stayed at a hotel. One of the men in our group, Bob , was an electronics-shop owner and a television repairman. We were all watching the minor-hockey news when suddenly the TV went blank. Bob jumped up. Banged his fist against the side of the set and, voilà, the picture came back. We all looked at him. "Don't you all do that?" he asked. "No," said one parent. "We usually pay you $60 to do it." --Florence Horwood (from Life's Like That, 1991)
For my grandchild's christening, I volunteered to address the invitations, as well as to add an RSVP to each of them. After the reception at our house, my niece's husband congratulated me on preparing the invitations. When I asked him how he knew I had, he replied, "Only a retired banker would write RRSP on the cards." --F. Pilley (from Life's Like That, 1992)
Never having been a confident driver, my sister is even more nervous behind the wheel since moving to British Columbia from rural Alberta. Although we live in a fairly small community, Wendy finds the pace 110
on our local roads too fast for her comfort. But I convinced her that the three-kilometre mountain road between our houses, with relatively light traffic and a 60-km/h speed limit, would be a good practice run for her. When she arrived at my house in record time, she explained that because of the many curves on that route, no one could pass her safely. Almost breathless she continued, "I had to drive 80 to keep up with the cars behind me!" --Elly Vandelaar (from Life's Like That, 1992)
With a sense of relief and pride, my parents, Terry and Ellis Moses, had, after carrying a mortgage on their home for 25 years, made their final payment. They decided to announce to our neighbours and all passersby their undisputed possession of this property by displaying a sign on our front lawn. It read, WHOLLY MOSES. --Elliot Moses (from Life's Like That, 1991)
I had worked the night shift and at 6 a. m. called my husband. "Were you awake?" I asked. "No," he answered, his voice husky from sleep, "it's a good thing you called or I'd have been late." "You better get up and get going. You have to get the kids up too." "Kids, what kids?" he exclaimed. "Our kids," I said. There was a pause. "Who is this?" he asked. "Who are you?" I answered. "Not your husband," he replied before hanging up. --Eileen Smith (from Life's Like That, 1992)
I called the airline for information on taking archery equipment on board a flight. "May I take my bow on the plane?" I inquired. After a long pause a puzzled voice responded, "Madam, you may take anyone you wish, provided he has a ticket." --Diane Sather (from Life's Like That, 1991)
In one store where my husband and I were shopping for an answering machine, we asked what the differences were among the display models. We also wondered whether we should get an answering machine with a single or dual cassette tape. In an effort to help us make a decision, the salesclerk asked, "Well, how many phone calls do you get when you're not at home?" --Diane Doyle (from Life's Like That, 1992) 111
Because there had been a mix-up in the seating on our flight home from Winnipeg, my wife, Alice, ended up sitting alone with our two young, rambunctious sons. While waiting for takeoff the boys, already impatient, were having trouble sitting still in their seats. Alice's efforts to entertain them were admirable. After the takeoff the steward started his rounds with the beverage cart. On reaching my sons, he gave each of them a glass of juice and then turned to Alice. With a straight face he asked, "And you'll have a double what?" --Denis L. St. Onge (from Life's Like That, 1991)
Our 15-year-old son had just received his learner's permit, and I was going with him for a drive. Before he started the car, I asked him to check the oil. He lifted the hood and pulled the dipstick out. "Adequate," he said. I thought that was an unusual way of expressing it, but said, "Okay, let's go." The next time I checked the oil, I cleaned the dipstick and read: "Add 1 qt." --David Fairlie (from Life's Like That, 1992)
The arrival of the ferry from the mainland is a major social occasion in our island fishing community off the coast of Nova Scotia. One day a local man was returning from the cattle sales in Truro accompanied by a cow, its protruding ribs and swayback indicating real salesmanship on the part of the previous owner. As the ferry came within sight of the wharf, a bystander exclaimed, "Look, Calley's planning to build a cow--he's got the frame up already!" --David B. Harding (from Life's Like That, 1991) At my parents' 50th wedding anniversary, my Dad was reminiscing about their courtship and marriage. "We didn't have much money," he told us, "and I had to decide whether to buy a new tire for the car or a marriage licence." After a pause he continued, "I think I made a good investment, because the tire wouldn't have lasted 50 years." --Darryl Wall (from Life's Like That, 1991)
My husband, phoning in an order for a catalogue item from the States, was giving our address. He got as far as the postal code without any problems, but was asked to repeat the last three digits. "Four zed four," Alan replied. "Four s four?" asked the man at the other end of the line. "No, four zed four." "Zed?" queried the man. That's when Alan realized the problem. "Zee," he said, "four zee four." 112
"Oh," said the voice, enlightened. "You mean zee, as in xylophone." --Colette Woolley (from Life's Like That, 1992)
After Terry, a woodworker, made my wife and me a pair of knotty-pine headboards, he and his wife, Allie, came to the house to set them up. Several months later I spotted Allie in the adjacent line-up at the supermarket. After exchanging hellos, I thought I'd mention how pleased we were with our beautiful beds. To my surprise she began to laugh and blush, and several people in the line were chuckling. Suddenly it hit me: What I had unthinkingly said was, "I'm really enjoying sleeping in your bed." --Clary Gleason (from Life's Like That, 1991)
The day we packed and loaded for the move to our new house, I also washed a set of drapes that were being left behind, but I didn't want to spend the time to iron them. Since my husband was packing boxes near the dryer, I asked him to let me know when the cycle was finished. I could then hang the drapes immediately so they wouldn't wrinkle. To make sure he was listening, I asked him if he knew how angry I'd be if he forgot and I had to iron them. "Yes," he replied dryly, "they would be the drapes of wrath." --Cheryl D. Pillar (from Life's Like That, 1992)
After hours of shopping I wandered tiredly around the mall searching for the entrance where I had parked my car. While struggling through the crowd, I saw a weary woman and her tired, cranky four-year-old. As I passed, I heard her say: "We're going to play a game, Jason. It's called let's find the Honda." --Carrie L. Connel (from Life's Like That, 1991)
My mother has a habit of talking to herself, especially when she's working in the sewing room. This has often led my father to run to the sewing room from the family room, believing my mother was speaking to him. In an attempt to clear their lines of communication, I suggested they purchase a walkie-talkie set. Dad looked at me with an air of resignation and said: "We do have a walkie-talkie. Your mother talks and I walk." --Carol Griffiths (from Life's Like That, 1992)
My mother had had some tests, and her doctor said he would contact her when he received the diagnosis. A few days later he phoned with the results, and she thanked him. The next day the doctor called again and gave her the same results. She thanked him again and mentioned that he'd phoned the day before. He apologized, saying he was busy and had forgotten. "Don't worry, doctor," my mother said. "It's always nice to get a second opinion." --Bobbie Jackson (from Life's Like That, 1991) 113
Packing for camp was a major undertaking for my teenage sister and her two girlfriends. Finally the moment of departure had almost arrived, and what seemed like all their earthly possessions were piled up on the sidewalk. The bus pulled in, the driver stepped down, opened the hatch and began loading the luggage. When he had finished he looked around quizzically and asked, "Where are the rest of the people?" --Betty Taylor (from Life's Like That, 1991)
Adding a second floor on our home drew a lot of onlookers. One rainy Sunday my husband and his friend were installing siding. Just as his friend went upstairs to get some material, an elderly woman stopped to admire their handiwork. After exchanging pleasantries, the lady asked, "Are you working all alone, son?" "No," my husband replied, "I have a friend upstairs." With a knowing nod, she said: "I know what you mean, son. So do I." --Beth Howe (from Life's Like That, 1992)
I had dropped by the nursing home to visit my high-school friend's 92-year-old mother, whom I have known for almost 50 years. Although I found her sleeping, I was told I could stay. I took her hand in mine and spoke to her softly for a few minutes. She slowly opened her eyes, looked at me quizzically, and then said, "Oh, you sound just like Virginia, but you're much too old!" --Virginia L. Coombs (from Life's Like That, 1992)
Now that I'm a senior, garage sales seem to fascinate me. My wife thinks I'm accumulating junk for my own sale. The last time I went to one, I told the pert young lady selling the items: "There's nothing I really want. I just hope to fall in love with something." "Come over here," she replied with a grin. "I want you to meet my mother." --Wilf Walker (from Life's Like That, 1993)
After we had settled into our new house in the fall, my wife reminded me that one picture had yet to be hung. The polite reminders continued into the spring and summer. One evening, almost a year after the move, Lana demanded the picture be hung. I walked over to where it was on the floor and, to my surprise noticed a nail in the wall--at exactly the spot where the picture was to be hung. --Wes Morningstar (from Life's Like That, 1993)
My husband, Andrew, is fanatic about going for his morning run regardless of the weather. One day at the office, the staff was complaining about the -26 degree C temperature. One employee commented to him, "And can you imagine, there was some idiot running past my house this morning!" 114
"Yes, I can," Andrew said. "It was me." --Wendy Connors-Beckett (from Life's Like That, 1993)
I was visiting my mother-in-law at the senior-citizen nursing home where she lived. An elderly lady sitting close by was cheerfully greeting friends and visitors when a nurse arrived and placed the evening meal on her tray. She lifted the cover, checked the food, then stated, "Hebrews 13.8" and pushed the tray away. As soon as I got home, I checked my Bible. The verse reads, "Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and today, and forever." --Walter Earnshaw (from Life's Like That, 1993)
A friend of mine never realized how beat-up his truck looked until the stormy night he ran out of gas and pulled over to the curb. A lady stopped her car and ran over--to ask if he had been injured in the accident. --Todd Sjerven (from Life's Like That, 1992)
We had so many cucumbers we were having trouble finding different ways to use them up. Neither my mother nor I wanted to make one huge batch of something we'd be eating forever, so I was digging through all Mom's recipe books for new and interesting ideas. After hours of work, we had whittled the piles down to a manageable level. Finally I found yet another relatively simple recipe and showed it to Mom. She started laughing. She had contributed it to a community book published for fund-raising and had later bought a copy to help out. She had forgotten the recipe and hadn't looked at the booklet in 30 years. --Susan Squires (from Life's Like That, 1993)
When my seven-year-old son became a Suzuki violin student, I became a Suzuki mom. The parent of a student in the Suzuki program takes ownership of the agenda, and everything becomes ours--our music, our practising, our lesson, even our violin. Early one morning in our quiet, conservative Toronto suburb, just as my husband was getting into the car to go to work, I remembered we had broken a string during practice the night before. I rushed to the door threw it open and impulsively shouted to my husband--and everyone else in the neighbourhood, "Don't forget, honey, I need a new G string!" --Rosemary Baranowsky (from Life's Like That, 1993)
With me in the car when I returned some books to the library were my two long-haired dachshunds. Ozy, who was in the backseat, has a habit of barking for a minute or so after being left in the car. Shandy, who remains quiet, was on the front passenger seat when I parked in the lot near the library.
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I was away for only a moment, and as I returned to the car I could hear Ozy barking. The driver of the car parked next to mine had a puzzled expression on his face. It was obvious that, while he had seen Shandy sitting on the front seat, he was unaware of a second dog in the back. "That's the first time I've seen a dog that could bark without moving it's lips," he remarked. --Ronald F. Ferrie (from Life's Like That, 1992)
Returning to Calgary from Salt Lake City on a late-night flight, some of the cabin crew were perhaps a little tired. On arrival in Calgary, a steward made the usual post landing announcement about remaining seated and ended by saying, "Welcome to Salt Lake City." Seconds later another voice announced: "Sorry about that, folks. We should have said, 'Welcome to Edmonton.'" Before the puzzled looks and laughter had dissipated, a third voice announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain. Neither of those announcements came from the flight deck. The first officer and I believe we have some pretty strong evidence that we're in Calgary. If you'd look out the right side of the aircraft. I think that can be confirmed." Through the windows the lights illuminating the sign WELCOME TO CALGARY were shining brightly." --Ronald B. Wall (from Life's Like That, 1992)
Two ladies behind me in the checkout line were carrying on a conversation. They switched from one subject to the next at rapid-fire speed, and eventually their discussion turned to the art of driving. "That reminds me," said one lady, "I have to find someone who knows about cars and ask him to take a look at my engine." Turning to me, she asked, "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?" "Certainly," I replied, "but I don't know anything about cars." --R. A. Carswell (from Life's Like That, 1993) For my 40th birthday, my husband decided to surprise me with a birthday cake from our local bakery. "In the middle please print 'Happy Birthday Nita,'" he instructed them over the phone. "Then, 'you're not getting older' at the top and 'you're getting better' at the bottom." When he went to pick it up, he discovered that they had decorated the cake with the words exactly as he had said them. "Happy Birthday Nita, you're not getting older at the top, you're getting better at the bottom." --Nita Warren (from Life's Like That, 1992)
My husband's mother tongue is French, and he sometimes forgets certain words in English. When we were on vacation in New Brunswick and were driving by fields and fields of cabbages, he exclaimed: "Wow! Look at all that...that...coleslaw!" --Nancy Dufour (from Life's Like That, 1994)
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During a vacation in Barbados, I went shopping for a genuine Panama straw hat. I didn't find an original, but bought one very similar. Inspecting my purchase on the way home, I noticed on the inside of the hat a neatly printed label: MADE IN CANADA. --Nadia Graham (from Life's Like That, 1993)
Finished with our shopping, my daughter Susan and I were on our way to the sports department to meet my husband. As we passed the large appliances, one of the deep freezers caught my eye. It contained all sorts of colourful empty vegetable cartons, plus realistic plastic cuts of meat and poultry. Susan and I were startled by a salesman who asked if he could be of help. I managed to stammer, "Oh, no, thank you. I was just looking for my husband." The clerk bent down moved some of the items around in the freezer, then said, "I'm sorry, Madame, I don't think you'll find him in there." --Myrtle Wozniak (from Life's Like That, 1992)
While remodelling the spare bedroom, my mother was trying to install a window shade which had arrived through a mail-order company. Frustrated trying to figure out how to hang it, she was annoyed that the company hadn't included instructions. However, she persevered and installed it correctly. She proudly pulled on the cord, the blind opened perfectly--and out fell the directions for hanging the blind! The first words on the tightly rolled instruction sheet were DO NOT OPEN THIS BLIND BEFORE HANGING. --Melissa D. Ritcey (from Life's Like That, 1992)
While working as volunteers in an immigration camp in Friedland, Germany, my husband and I were frequent customers at the local post office. We were constantly sending parcels and having bulky envelopes weighed for mailing to Canada. The postmaster was very helpful with suggestions as to how to get the most value for our postage money. Now back in Canada, we have mail coming our way from friends we made while over there. Recently a letter arrived with a handwritten message on the back of the envelope, "Herzliche Grüsse" ( warmest greetings ). Beneath it was the official Friedland post-office stamp. --Martha Rempel (from Life's Like That, 1993)
For Father's Day we decided to give my husband an extension ladder. My teenage daughter and I drove to the store to buy one and managed on our own to get it out to the car. Only then did we wonder how we were going to transport it. We finally rolled the windows down and slid it through, but decided we shouldn't drive that way. Just then a young man stopped and offered to tie the ladder to the roof of the car. He spent 15 minutes securing it with rope. We were very grateful. But as he drove off, we discovered our good samaritan had tied the rope through the open windows and around the doorposts of our car. We couldn't get in. 117
--Margaret Wilcox (from Life's Like That, 1992)
Clutching my purse, car keys and letters, I left my house in the countryside one morning to do some errands in Calgary, an hour's drive away. My last stop at the end of the hectic day was the post office. Just as I was about to drop my letters in the mailbox, I noticed a set of keys lying on the counter. I handed them to the attendant before leaving. Only after I got home did I realize I had given my own set of house keys to the woman at the Calgary post office. --M. Blanca Botero (from Life's Like That, 1992)
While planning our wedding, I had to find a place to hold a reception for our 80 guests. One of the caterers I called regretted he could accommodate only 40 people, but added optimistically, well dear, maybe next time. --Lisa Cooper (from Life's Like That, 1992)
Because his membership at a fitness club was up for renewal, my husband was debating whether or not to keep it and asked for my opinion. "Well," I replied, "if you go one more time before this membership expires, the cost of each workout over the past year will be just under $100." He cancelled. --Kerry-Jane Terry (from Life's Like That, 1993)
Standing in line in a gift shop with an armful of little woolly stuffed lambs, I was pleased with the Easter gifts I had selected for my nieces. As the clerk was ringing up my purchase, the man behind me motioned to the heap of pink sheep on the counter and said, "Having trouble sleeping?" --Karen M. Dudich (from Life's Like That, 1993)
My younger sister has never learned anything about the kitchen. I was amazed, then, when she carried a full bag of groceries into the house. She explained she was going to cook a dinner for her boyfriend. I decided to stay and see how she would fare. A mere 15 minutes of cupboard-slamming had passed when she came into the den and threw herself on the couch. "Janet, what's the matter?" I asked. "I don't know how to cook the chicken I've bought," she replied in a dispirited tone. "Just look up a recipe in one of the books," I offered. "I've tried," she said, "but all I can find are beef, pork and poultry recipes." --Karen Krawec (from Life's Like That, 1994)
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Neither pulling or prodding would dislodge my automatic-teller card, which was stuck partway in a banking machine. Frantic, I remembered the pharmacy next door, raced over, bought the biggest pair of tweezers available and rushed back. I knelt down in front of the machine and got a good grip on the card. Just then the door opened. A well-dressed lady, eyeing me in my abject condition, observed, "Praying at it isn't going to help." --Rev. Iain G. Nicol (from Life's Like That, 1992)
My company announced that our picnic would be held on the lawn outside our building. When I told my husband about the event, I mentioned that it would include games such as horseshoes and tug-of war. As Fred and I are competition dancers, he reminded me that we had an event coming up in a week and this was no time to risk a pulled muscle playing games. "Stay away from the tug-of-war," he advised. "Stick to something safe like horseshoes." At the picnic I played it safe, preferring to observe. But I observed a little too closely. As I wandered about taking pictures, a stray horseshoe suddenly bounced off my right foot and caught my left shin. The chipped shinbone kept me from dancing for the next three weeks. --Heather Rowe (from Life's Like That, 1993)
I've always been handy at fix-it jobs around the house and have tried to train my children to follow suit. Recently one of my sons asked his wife to hold the flashlight while he replaced a faulty electrical switch. Only mildly interested, she asked him after a short pause, "How did you learn to do this stuff?" "By holding the flashlight," he replied. --Harold Klinck (from Life's Like That, 1992)
My husband was flying home from a business trip on Grey Cup day. As the flight attendant passed through the cabin collecting dinner orders, a boisterous fan called out: "Hey! What's the score?" The attendant consulted his list and replied briskly, "Chicken 6, beef 2." --Claire Gregoire (from Life's Like That, 1992)
Because I was looking for a secondhand dresser for my children's bedroom, I was driving along hunting for garage sales. When I spied some furniture and other items on a front lawn and driveway, I stopped my car. After going through the boxes, I spotted a matching dresser and bed set. Thinking that the gentleman watching me might want to sell the complete suite, I said, "Are you selling the bedroom furniture in separate pieces, or as a set?" "Lady," he replied, "I'm just waiting for the movers." --Frances Fisher (from Life's Like That, 1992)
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Busy with the finishing touches to our newly built home, my husband was completing the tedious job of installing drainpipes on the eaves trough. All the while, he was being plagued with and distracted by questions from his two young sons. When he was finished, he discovered he couldn't move the ladder: He had fastened the drainpipe to the wall between the rungs. --Elizabeth Atkinson (from Life's Like That, 1992)
We were on vacation at my parents place in Phoenix, glad to be away from the bitter Edmonton winter. Our two boys, in their early teens, were demanding of everyone's time and attention. When it was suggested we go to the shopping mall, everybody but my wife was enthusiastic. Judy begged off, insisting she wanted to get some baking done that afternoon. We found out later, in the absence of any new cookies or cakes, that what she had meant was indeed "baking," alone, in the 80 degree sunshine. --Doug Main (from Life's Like That, 1992)
My friend had guests coming for dinner and was running behind schedule. While out shopping for lastminute items, she decided to speed things up by calling home to have her 16-year-old son do some advance preparations. Wash the salad vegetables, set the table for ten and put 12 large potatoes in the oven to bake at 350 degrees. As an afterthought she added, and make sure you stick each potato with a fork before you put them in to bake. When she got home, she was pleased to find her son had followed her instructions exactly: vegetables washed, oven on, table set for ten--minus her red-plastic-handled forks, which were individually adorning each potato in the oven. --Doreen Morrey (from Life's Like That, 1993) I went to our neighbourhood grocery store to pick up a few items. In the produce aisle I asked a young man where the potatoes were, and he led me to a large bin of loose potatoes. Picking one up, he turned to me and said, "Ma'am this spud's for you." --Debbie Williams (from Life's Like That, 1992)
While my husband, a fireman, and I were settling the purchase of a new car, the young woman who was processing our application for bank financing asked for my husband's work number. In unison we answered, "9-1-1." --Cynthia Lanyon (from Life's Like That, 1992)
Grandmother, at 88 years old, was on another of her many whirlwind visits to Toronto from her small town. She phoned to give me a recap of the many excursions she was enjoying. When she said she had been to Canada's Wonderland, I jokingly asked if she had ridden the roller coaster. Without hesitation she responded. "Oh, no, my dear, not this time. The batteries for my pacemaker need to be recharged." --Corinne Bryers (from Life's Like That, 1993)
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Because my mother had a reaction to a bee sting when we were on vacation, I went with her to see a doctor immediately upon our return. After she described the symptoms in detail, the allergist said, "Where did you get stung?" Mother's hesitation turned into a long silence. Finally, I suggested, "Wasn't it your back, Mother?" Suddenly, she blurted: "Shamrock. Shamrock, Texas!" --Cheryl Zulauf (from Life's Like That, 1993)
On holiday in the Rockies, I noticed a book about Lake Louise at several bookstores. As my father had worked at Chateau Lake Louise in 1924, I bought a copy for his birthday. After we gave it to him, he flipped through the pages and stopped at a picture of the Chateau fire of 1924. "I remember that," he remarked. "We fought the fire for 24 hours. The furniture on the lawn was what we carried out." Then he took a closer look at a young man in the middle of the picture, drinking coffee. "In fact," he said, "there I am." --Charles Adam (from Life's Like That, 1992)
My son Daryl was about to graduate from the RCMP academy in Regina, and he wore his red dress uniform to the airport to greet his grandparents when they arrived for the convocation ceremony. Because their flight also happened to have the premier of Saskatchewan on board, several members of the press were waiting for it. One gentleman in the crowd waiting for passengers walked past Daryl a few times before he finally stopped and asked, "Is anyone important arriving on this flight?" "Yes, sir," Daryl informed him. "My grandpa and grandma." --Cam Lock (from Life's Like That, 1992)
After sustaining a serious injury to his Achilles tendon while playing racquetball, my husband was in considerable pain. Quite concerned, I asked just how bad it was. "Oh, Hon," he replied, "it hurts as bad as when we had the babies." --Brenda Walsh (from Life's Like That, 1993)
While I was boiling a beef tongue to slice up for sandwiches, my sister-in-law dropped by. When she asked what I was doing, I explained and asked if she'd ever eaten tongue before. She hadn't, so I invited her to try a slice. She took a step back, hesitated, then replied: "No thanks. I guess I just don't like the idea of tasting something that's tasting me back!" --Barbara Gerritse (from Life's Like That, 1993)
We first started camping in a tent, graduated to a trailer and now have a motor home complete with TV, microwave, and central air, heat and vacuum. My wife and I often chuckle as to what "camping" has become. 121
One afternoon we pulled into a spot that included the usual amenities of electricity, sewer and water, plus cable TV. We thought that topped all until one day, while driving along the highway, we passed a very large, luxurious house trailer--with a full-size receiver dish bolted to its back bumper. --Art C. Wood (from Life's Like That, 1994)
Our family had moved out to the country, and we were discussing the many things we still needed for our new home. My seven-year-old sister excitedly told us she knew exactly where we could get all that stuff. Humouring her, we got in the car, and she gave directions to a new subdivision. Just as we were wondering where she was leading us, Caroline exclaimed, "Stop!" She pointed straight ahead, to a large sign proclaiming LOTS FOR SALE. --Yvonne Krotz (from Life's Like That, 1993)
In the lumber store one day, my friend, a building contractor, was fussing and complaining about some problem. An elderly gentleman who had been standing nearby tapped him on the shoulder, took a tape measure from his pocket and pulled the tape out to 74 inches. "This is how long a man lives on average," he said. "Can you show me where you are on the scale?" Somewhat reluctantly my friend pointed to 50. "You've already used up more than you have left," said the man. "I suggest you go fishing." --William A. DeLuca (from Life's Like That, 1995)
My friends and I were looking forward to our girlfriend's wedding, her fiancé was from Virginia, and three of his good-looking buddies were flying up to Vancouver for the big day. I sat next to an empty chair at the reception, however, as one of the three--Greg--was a no-show. And I'm sure he would have been an entertaining date, for a telegram from Greg, read aloud, said simply: "Sorry I missed it. Enjoying my tour of Vancouver, Washington." --Veronica McIntyre (from Life's Like That, 1993)
When my community started the curbside recycling program, the time of pickup varied. One day, I didn't have my box out at the curb, but noticed that the truck was circling the crescent facing my house. I ran out and waited at the nearest house on the crescent. As I handed the box over to the driver, I attempted to explain my presence by saying, "I missed you." With no hesitation the young man responded, "I missed you too." --Valerie Ruston (from Life's Like That, 1993)
When she was about two years old, I began taking my daughter, Sarah, fishing with me. Since she caught very little, I'd ask her if she'd like to reel in one of my fish. This, I felt, would give her the idea of how it was to be done, and keep her from getting disheartened and bored. Just before her 13th birthday, we were out in the canoe and she was pulling in fish after fish, while I couldn't hook even one. Finally, after about her 15th fish, Sarah turned to me and softly asked, "Would you like to reel in my next fish, Dad?" 122
--Tim Arndt (from Life's Like That, 1994)
After flying into London from Dublin, my husband called the tour company to verify the time that we'd be leaving the next day. After being told it would be at 6:45, he asked in concern, "is that a.m.?" "Sir, this is a tour, not a holiday!" was the crisp reply. --Theresa Herbert (from Life's Like That, 1994)
As parents of four children under eight years of age, my husband, Clarke, and I seldom enjoyed an evening out. However, on one of those rare occasions when we did go out, we reminisced about how much had changed as our family grew. "Remember when we used to phone home at least six times to make sure the children were all right," I mused. "Mmmm..." Clarke replied wistfully. "Now we phone to check that the baby-sitter is all right." --Terri Smith (from Life's Like That, 1994)
Newcomers to Canada's customs, cuisine and language, my neighbours quickly adopted pizza as their favourite food. A friend gave Jesca written instructions on how to make it, and her delighted husband cautioned her to follow the recipe exactly. Jesca assembled all the ingredients and proceeded to make the pizza. The final sentence read: "Just throw it in the oven." She did--and spent the afternoon cleaning up the mess. --Susan Brooks (from Life's Like That, 1994)
Hoping to avoid a parking problem, my husband rented a private parking place. Still, there were times when he came home to find another car occupying his spot. It became a source of irritation. One sunny weekend I suggested we go for a drive. "We can't," my husband said. "Someone will take my parking space." Exasperated, I asked, "what's the point in having a car?" "How else will I keep my spot?" He asked. --Sue Tall (from Life's Like That, 1994)
I once dated a girl whose father was adamant about her curfew. One evening she and I had lost track of the time. We were saying good-night and were taking every precaution to be quiet. But the front-porch light came on, and her father peered sternly from the doorway. "Son," he said to me, "I can forgive the late hour and the fact you're kissing my daughter. But please stop leaning her against the doorbell." --Stu Phillips (from Life's Like That, 1994) 123
Avid campers, my wife and I decided to take a look at an area in Nova Scotia where we had heard a proposed campground was to be developed. We drove to St. Peters and then took an unfamiliar, unpaved road. We found the area where the campground was to be built and continued on the road to see where it went. After about ten kilometres, we debated whether to turn around and retrace our route. Just then we noticed a farmer and decide to ask directions. "If I keep following this road," I inquired, "where will it take me?" "Vancouver" was his laconic reply. --Russell O'Toole (from Life's Like That, 1993) Just after we moved into our first home in Edmonton, I decided to build a garden shed. I bought a prefab package from a building-supplies store and read the instructions carefully. With much rereading and rechecking of measurements, I finally completed the shed. Proud that it had turned out perfectly, I called my new neighbour over to show him my handiwork. He listened silently, all the while looking at the floor as I pointed the features out. Then I followed his gaze to the floor and read the large black lettering: THIS SIDE DOWN. --Ross Gillespie (from Life's Like That, 1993)
Allen wanted to go duck hunting, and since he was new to the area, he asked my sister, his girlfriend, where to buy a licence. "Come on," Sharon said with assurance. "I'll show you." They headed out--and ended up at Canadian Hunter, an oil company. When Allen stopped laughing, Sharon's next helpful suggestion was, "We can always try Ducks Unlimited." --Rosemarie Crebar (from Life's Like That, 1994)
When I received a cheque reimbursing me for my wife's dental claim, I folded it and put it in my shirt pocket. A couple of weeks later, as I was looking over our bank statement, I realized I hadn't cashed the cheque. I raced upstairs and went through my shirts, hoping to find it. No luck. The following day I phoned the insurance office and told the secretary that I'd looked everywhere and the cheque must have gone into the wash with one of my shirts. Immediately she said, "Reverend Eizenga, you're the last person I'd expect to be laundering money!" --Rev. Marshall Eizenga (from Life's Like That, 1994)
I was on holidays in Saskatchewan visiting my family. As a Catholic priest, I work as chief of staff for a cardinal in Europe, and because every day at work I speak with many people, I told my family I hoped that on my flight back, I wouldn't be seated next to someone who wanted to talk a lot. My brother's advice was to say that I was an insurance salesman. However, his friend said: "Oh, no, he shouldn't lie. He should say he's an afterlife insurance salesman." --Rev. Ken Nowarowski (from Life's Like That, 1994)
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I had a few months before starting a new course and had plenty of time to finish a few projects around the house. As well, I thought of a few new ones for my husband, David: the retaining wall needed to be replaced; a gazebo would be nice; I knew the perfect spot for a small pond, with a stone walk leading to it. There was enough work for David to last three summers. One day David arrived home grinning from ear to ear. When I asked why, he answered, "You can't imagine my relief when I realized that pile of dirt in the road was in front of the neighbour's house, not ours!" --Renate Hart (from Life's Like That, 1994)
My husband and his father had started to perform some miracles on a broken house appliance. They had the necessary knowledge and tools to do the repairs, but discovered they needed an extra pair of hands. "Don't you own a Workmate or something similar?" my father-in-law asked my husband. "Yes, of course," he answered. "She's in the kitchen. Go and get her." --R. M. McLeod (from Life's Like That, 1993)
While I was waiting my turn to see the doctor in the emergency ward at a local hospital, the clerk at the desk announced the next number. "Eighty-eight. Is number 88 here?" Nobody responded. Again she called out: "88 here?" Again, no response. The clerk noticed an elderly lady who'd been waiting for quite some time and approached her. "Are you 88?" she asked. "Oh, no!" the lady replied quickly, "but I will be in two weeks." --Paulette Babineau (from Life's Like That, 1994)
A white-haired granny entertaining three small grandchildren at the playground, I jumped off a moving swing and wrenched my knee. At the emergency ward, I sheepishly admitted what had caused the accident. The attendant comforted me with the assurance that I was not unique. "Why, not long ago we treated an older lady who fell off her skateboard." --Patricia Cambrey (from Life's Like That, 1994)
Fond of my homemade mustard pickles, my husband, Art, was concerned because I kept putting off making our winter supply. Finally he even offered to help me. So I set him to work chopping onions while I tackled the cucumbers. Periodically I heard him sniff and snuffle. Before long he ran out of the kitchen. "Remember, Art, they're your mustard pickles!" I called after him. Moments later the hair on the nape of my neck stood up when I heard an otherworldly hissing and gasping. I whirled around and saw Art, donned in his scuba mask, diving tanks and regulator, diligently chopping away at his onions. --Pat Hewitt (from Life's Like That, 1994)
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At long last my stepdaughter's new kitchen counters at the cottage had been installed. Shortly after, she invited quite a number of guests for a visit. The cooking and snacks for 12 people left the work surfaces constantly littered with dishes, leftovers or meals in progress. One evening towards the end of a cluttered week, my stepdaughter and I retired to the deck, leaving the cleanup to the men. When we went in later, every dish and utensil was stored away, leaving bare, gleaming countertops. "I can hardly believe it," said Anne, "it's the immaculate exception!" --Nancy Whelan (from Life's Like That, 1994)
Everyone jumped to pick the phone up when it rang. My brother was calling to announce the birth of his first child. My parents and I rushed to the hospital and met Nathan outside the maternity ward. "You've got to see the new baby!" he gushed. "He's gorgeous!" At the entrance to the nursery, Nathan stopped to read the notice on the door. His face fell. "Only you can go in, Mom and Dad," he said, crestfallen. "I have to stay out here. The sign says PARENTS ONLY ADMITTED." My father roared with laughter. "You are the parent!" he told the new father. --Miriam Birnbaum (from Life's Like That, 1994)
At our small-town library one day, I sat my daughters down with their books while I went to choose some for myself. I glanced over at the children and saw my younger daughter tearing a sign off the wall. I rushed over, scolding her as I stuck the sign back up. Then I noticed what it said: "Please do not leave young children unattended." --Mary Langlois (from Life's Like That, 1993)
Our 23-year old son, Scott, who lives across the street from us, enjoys cooking. Once when I was entertaining friends, I found Scott chatting with several guests while he rummaged around in the kitchen cupboards looking for baking powder and baking soda. He said he could also use a cup or two of flour. He left, but returned looking sheepish and asked for two eggs and my loaf pan. One of my guests asked what he was creating. Scott announced, "My grandmother's banana bread." "Do you have any bananas?" I asked innocently. "Of course, Mom," he indignantly replied. "How can I make banana bread without bananas?" --Marilyn E. Ellis (from Life's Like That, 1993)
Danny, my brother-in-law, was having problems with his wisdom teeth, but he endured the pain rather than face a dentist. Finally, however, my mother-in-law took matters into her own hands and called a clinic. She spoke to the receptionist and explained that her son was in pain but was scared of dentists. The receptionist assured her that they were used to dealing with this common fear and would be able to fit Danny in right away. "And how old is your little boy?" she asked. Sheepishly my mother-in-law replied, "He's 40." 126
--Mae Stohl (from Life's Like That, 1994)
While on his honeymoon in the Rockies, my brother picked up a flu bug. So he rested in the camper of their truck while his wife drove. She was carefully manoeuvring the abrupt curves and steep inclines that were part of the narrow highway. After a particularly sharp turn knocked my brother out of his sickbed, he decided to check on his wife's progress. He popped his head through the window of the cab. "Hi, honey. How's it going up here?" "Oh, good," his wife exulted, "you're still here! I thought I lost the camper on that last turn." --Lynne Lanctot (from Life's Like That, 1993)
The morning our pianist was to sing a solo before the sermon, he left his place near the piano to go to the pulpit. Forgetting that he had to step from one riser to another, he lost his footing and stumbled to the front before he caught himself on the railing. My husband, the minister, seemed to be highly amused. I understood why when the soloist began to sing, "Saviour If My Feet Have Faltered." --Louise Perry (from Life's Like That, 1994)
Arriving at the cottage frazzled after a 2 1/2-hour drive and a 15-minute boat ride with three kids in tow, ages seven, five and two, my sister Barb discovered there was no food in the cupboards. She rounded the kids up, got their life jackets back on, jumped back in the boat, docked as close to the store as she could and went in. The kids went in three different directions. Barb kept an eye on them, managed to select her groceries and finally handed the clerk her credit card. Hands full with bags and kids, Barb started out. But then she turned back to the clerk and asked through clenched teeth, "May I have my credit card back, please?" The clerk smiled sympathetically. "It's in your mouth." --Lorraine Ashdown (from Life's Like That, 1994)
My husband, Robert, repeatedly told me how relaxing he found the steam room in the YMCA. Since I had never used one before, I decided one day to give it a try. I opened the door, went into the empty room and sat down. It was warm and comfortable, and I thought: Robert's right. This is great! Then the door opened and a woman walked in. "Do you mind if I turn it on?" she asked. --Loretta Whitehorne (from Life's Like That, 1994)
I had decided to try my hand at gardening for the first time, and a friend, Merle, offered me the use of his rototiller, but warned that it was a real antique. He wasn't at home when my son Brian and I went to get it, but his daughter told us to help ourselves. I watched Brian struggle to get the rototiller out of the shed, across the yard, through the garage and finally to the driveway, where it took three of us to wrestle it into the back of my truck. 127
The next day, when I was ready to go out to till the garden, I found a note Brian had left for me on the table. "Hi, Mom," it read, "no rototilling today, I'm afraid, but we must be sure to thank Merle for the use of his snowblower." --Linda Hagan (from Life's Like That, 1994)
On the eve of my wedding, my mother came into my room to give me some advice regarding husbands. "Always stick up for him," she said. "Don't discuss important matters before dinner, and never tell me about your arguments." "Why shouldn't I tell you about our arguments?" I asked. "Because you may forgive him," she said solemnly, "but I never will." --Kate Henderson (from Life's Like That, 1994) At the airport my husband and I decided to buy some medical insurance. The clerk at the counter asked us where we were going. "Puerto Plata," I answered. "Is that in Mexico?" she asked. "No," I said, "it's in the Dominican Republic." "Oh," she replied, "you'll have to forgive me, I never was very good at geometry." --Karin Boyle (from Life's Like That, 1993)
While we were visiting, my father-in-law handed my husband, Guy, a set of keys and told us to check out his new car. We all went outside. Guy and I were admiring the leather, the colour and all those gadgets that seem to be in new cars these days. As I sat behind the wheel, I noticed that several of the control buttons on the dash were covered with tiny bumps. It took me several moments to realize why they looked at me so strangely before they burst out laughing. I had asked, "Are these Braille?" --Karen Bourgon (from Life's Like That, 1994)
The bus home from downtown after work was crowded as usual, everyone silently caught up in his own little world. All of a sudden, from the back of the bus a woman shrieked, "I'm on the bus!" We all turned to see who thought that was so unusual. The red-faced passenger meekly explained, "But I brought my car to work today!" --J. McMahon (from Life's Like That, 1994)
At the beginning of the new ball season, I noticed that my friend's teenage son was playing for the opposing slow-pitch team. I asked Marilyn why her son no longer played on the same team as the rest of the family. "Oh," she replied, "I guess he thought it was time to strike out on his own." 128
--Judy Van Haren (from Life's Like That, 1995)
While I was visiting my parents in Quebec, my mother, who speaks very little English, was explaining to my boyfriend, who doesn't speak French, the reason why my aunt was in hospital. I was paying little attention to the conversation until I heard Mom saying that my aunt broke her leg. "Why did you say that?" I asked, knowing that my aunt's trouble was really a chronic muscle problem. "Well," she replied, "it's close and, more important, I knew how to say it in English." --Josée Beauregard (from Life's Like That, 1994)
It was hot when my son, his friend and I arrived at the national cycling championships in Hamilton, where they were to compete. I took my coat off, threw it in the trunk on top of the bikes and racing gear and slammed the lid shut. My heart sank when I remembered that my car keys were in my coat pocket. The race was about to start, and there was no quick way to get the bikes out. Fortunately the doors were open, so we frantically struggled to remove the backseat to get my coat. We managed to reach the keys and bikes just in time for the kids to compete. When I got home, I mentioned the episode to my wife. She nonchalantly said, "There's a trunk-opener button in the glove compartment, you know." --John Vanderhoeven (from Life's Like That, 1994)
When a package addressed to my husband was delivered to our home, I noticed that Canada Customs had levied duty on "women's clothing." My hopes for an unexpected gift were dashed, however, when Mike came home from work, opened the box and took out a leather cover for the gas tank of his motorcycle. The mystery of the customs classification was solved when we discovered a shipper's label listing the contents as "one tank bra." --Jo Ann Creore (from Life's Like That, 1994)
My friend Judy doesn't garden, but her husband, Wayne, does. He even grows plants in their sunny front windows. One day while Wayne was out of town, Judy decided to take some annuals to plant on her mother's grave. Scanning Wayne's stock, she rejected the traditional petunias and marigolds in bloom, instead choosing some plants that had interesting foliage. When Wayne returned home that weekend, he was not impressed: What Judy had so carefully planted at the cemetery were his green peppers and cherry tomatoes. --Jo-Ann Bruce (from Life's Like That, 1994)
The young voice on the phone inquired if we received home delivery of the local newspaper. No, I replied, my husband prefers the walk to the store each day to purchase it. The young man eagerly launched into his 129
sales pitch, pointing out the convenience and savings in subscribing to home delivery. I thanked him and again related how my husband enjoyed the little walk each day. There was a pause and then in a helpful voice, he asked, "Well, could we arrange for delivery on the next block." --Jean Ann Sauve (from Life's Like That, 1993)
As my boyfriend, Jason, and I were waiting our turn to exit from a pew after a very long wedding ceremony, an elderly gentleman who had been sitting in front of us turned around. He asked if we knew where the community centre was. "I think the reception is at the Ivanhoe, sir," Jason replied. The man took his invitation from his pocket and gave it to Jason, who, after reading it, gave the man directions to the community centre. When we were out of earshot, I asked Jason why he had given the man those directions. "He was at the wrong wedding," he answered. "I thought he should at least make it to the right reception." --Janis Reeve (from Life's Like That, 1994)
Quite a bit of time had passed since I bought the tracks and clips when my husband, somewhat of a procrastinator, finally installed closet shelves for me. One day shortly after, my daughter was visiting and happened to open the closet door. She commented on how nice and handy it was now. "Isn't it, though," my husband acknowledged, "and it didn't take long to assemble." "No," I observed dryly. "Only seven years." --Helen Robitaille (from Life's Like That, 1994)
Before my husband, Simon, and I began dating, we often played ball together with some mutual friends. One afternoon Simon was at bat and I was attempting, for the first time, to pitch. My very first pitch was met with a perfect line drive straight back to the pitcher's mound, where the ball connected with my chin. Four stitches and three years later, at our wedding reception, my mother explained to the audience how that incident led to our marriage. "It's family policy," she declared. "You break it, you buy it!" --Heather Tekavec (from Life's Like That, 1994)
When I ran out of icing sugar, I asked my husband to pick some up on his next trip out. He couldn't find any baking items at the store and finally approached a salesclerk, "Can you tell me where the icing sugar is kept?" he asked. The clerk looked at him skeptically and replied, "Sir, this is Canadian Tire." --Heather Navarra (from Life's Like That, 1993)
As we waited for the light to change at the intersection, I engaged in conversation with a young lady pushing a twin baby carriage. The beautiful little babies were sound asleep. I asked how old they were, how 130
much they weighed, were they good and, finally, were they girls or boys. Pointing, she said, "That's a boy and that's a girl." "Oh!" I said, "aren't you lucky!" "Yes, I am," she replied. "They belong to my sister." --Harriett Oliver (from Life's Like That, 1994)
A friend of mine was excitedly telling me about a car she hoped to buy from a large dealership in Calgary. "What are the options?" I asked. "Well," she replied thoughtfully, "I could buy it somewhere else." --Gerry Olson (from Life's Like That, 1994)
During Easter week I attended a high-school dramatization of the Passover events of the Lord's life. I was so impressed with the sincerity and power of the presentation that I asked the director if the production could be staged in my parish church the next day, Good Friday. Unfortunately not, I was told--Jesus was leaving in the morning on vacation. --Father Kevin J. Molloy (from Life's Like That, 1994)
A police officer noticed my friend carrying her screaming son out of a shopping mall one day. Apparently concerned for the child, he asked, "Is that your son?" My friend's answer left no doubt as to the child's identity. In exasperation she replied, "If he wasn't mine, I wouldn't be taking him home!" --Elizabeth Benoit (from Life's Like That, 1995)
My regular partner for the Meals on Wheels program was not available one day, so I agreed to work with someone else. That gentleman, Mr. Wright, called me and offered to pick me up at my house. He said he'd be driving a grey car and he had grey hair to match. At the appointed time, I was waiting at the end of my driveway and stepped forward as a grey car approached. I signalled for him to stop and asked, "Are you Mr. Wright?" "Only to my wife, dear," he replied. "Only to my wife." Seconds later the right Mr. Wright appeared. --Eleanor McLeod (from Life's Like That, 1994)
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In our small town in northwestern Ontario we decided, with the advent of recycling trash, that there would have to be tighter controls over the sorting of garbage. Therefore, a permanent employee was hired by the township to ensure that this happened. However, a number of people were upset because the dump was now locked after hours. "Isn't it ironic," the reeve reflected, "in our little town, people don't lock their cars, they don't lock their homes, and yet we lock our garbage dump!" --Don Briscoe (from Life's Like That, 1993)
Saskatchewan is not known for its long summers. But in June 1993, even the hardiest Saskatchewanian was grumbling about the lack of warm weather. On one particularly cool, rainy day, I inquired at a local store about an insulating blanket for a water heater. While checking his catalogue, the clerk suggested: "Why worry? The escaping heat will warm your basem*nt." "But that's not needed in summer," I said, "if we ever have a summer." "Well, I don't care if we don't because I've seen one," the clerk told me. "But I would like my children to see one." --Diether Peschken (from Life's Like That, 1994) There was little traffic on the highway, and I was going a tad faster than I should have been. At the top of a hill, coming towards me, was an RCMP patrol car. I knew before he flashed his lights that I was caught. I pulled over and waited. The officer came to the side of the car, looked down at me with a smile and said, "Are you one of those fast women my mother warned me about?" --Debbie Boudreau (from Life's Like That, 1994)
When we bought an older home, my husband and I decided to redo the whole house. The neighbours soon grew accustomed to the sound of drills, saws and hammers. Anything we couldn't do ourselves we contracted out. My husband painted the outside cream, with a brown trim. The next natural step to complete the outside would be eaves troughing. A local contractor drove up while we were both at work and started installing eaves troughing that matched the brown trim. In mid afternoon my husband arrived home from work. From atop the ladder, the contractor called down. "It matches pretty well, doesn't it?" "Yes, it sure does," replied my husband, "considering I haven't ordered any eaves troughing." The contractor was supposed to have done a job next door. --Debbie Borr (from Life's Like That, 1993)
Gordon and I were enjoying a peaceful afternoon together looking after the four children while our wives were out. But soon the quiet was interrupted by shouts of "No fair, no fair!" and "I'm telling Dad!" Gordon sighed, rose from his chair and said, "I'm headed for the din of inequity." --David Giuliano (from Life's Like That, 1994)
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Short of cash, my brother's friend Hames had to use his credit card often during a move from Port Hardy on Vancouver Island to Prince George, B.C., in search of work. Hames stayed with my brother for a short while after he arrived, and on numerous occasions mentioned how he loathed owing money. My brother didn't realize how much Hames hated debt until he opened his freezer one day and found, frozen in the middle of a large chunk of ice, Hames's credit card. --Christine Sullivan (from Life's Like That, 1994)
My husband is a daily, although somewhat reluctant, jogger. I often walk out to meet him on his route, at which point he stops jogging and we walk home together. One day I was delayed and Martin had to jog farther than usual. When I finally met up with him, he panted, "You're a sight for sore thighs." --Cathy Rathwell (from Life's Like That, 1994)
When I informed my bank that my signature might waver from time to time because of arthritis in my right arm, I had no idea to what lengths they would go to protect my account. I had given my 23-year-old son a cheque to cash for me, and while he was gone, the phone rang. It was my bank. My 14-year-old daughter, Lisa, answered and was asked to verify that she had an older brother named John and if she could describe anything distinctive about his appearance. After hanging the phone up, a very grim-faced teller marched back to John at the counter and demanded to see his new sneakers. Meekly, he held up one foot. She cashed the cheque. --Carol Notley (from Life's Like That, 1994)
My friend Shirley had written her last Christmas card and wearily moved on to writing cheques to the telephone company, the electric company and a department store. When the holidays were over, the extent of her pre-Christmas exhaustion was apparent. One of her cheques was returned with an "incorrect signature" notation. She had signed it "Shirley, Bernie and the girls." --Beth McMaster (from Life's Like That, 1995)
I took my 88-year-old mother to a bingo game. When she fell on her way into the hall, a gentleman rushed to her aid and helped her safely down the stairs. A little later when we were seated, mother smiled at me and said, "Well, that's one way to get a man to put his arms around you." --Berniece Keindel (from Life's Like That, 1994)
Because we had waited so long to reserve a room in Butte, Mont., so that we could stay over after attending a concert, the major motels were booked. The Chamber of Commerce, however, gave me names of other, smaller motels. One I called had a vacancy, but when I requested a non-smoking room. A sweet, matronly voice apologized. We don't have any nonsmoking rooms, but I'll remove the ashtrays for you. --Barbara Michel (from Life's Like That, 1993)
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My handyman husband came in from his workshop complaining that he couldn't fix the wheels on his garden tractor because the bearing wouldn't come off the shaft. A little later he went back out to tackle the problem again. When he returned I asked how things were going. "It's all fixed," he said brightly. "This time I attacked with a vengeance. That's the tool I should have used in the first place." --Barbara Gerritse (from Life's Like That, 1993)
We were on our way to Ohio where my husband was to compete in a hundred-mile endurance run. At the border the customs agent asked what the purpose of our trip was. After being told, he asked, "How long?" "If you mean the run," my husband said, "it's a hundred miles." "God bless you!" the customs officer replied. "Do you have anything to declare, besides your insanity?" --Barbara Burrows (from Life's Like That, 1994)
As a new mother and graduate student taking courses at night, I realized that my schedule could probably be considered a bit hectic, but I was certain I was coping well. It wasn't until I went for a dental appointment that I decided perhaps I hadn't been making enough time for myself. I had arranged for someone to baby-sit and for someone else to take notes in the class I planned to miss while I had my root-canal treatment. But by the look on the dentist's face, I knew my behaviour was a bit unusual. I had sighed and said, "Gee, it's nice to be able to relax." --A. Houston (from Life's Like That, 1994)
I visited the Vancouver Aquarium with my family where we found a "Wheel of Life" game about salmon. The wheel, having been spun, stopped on one of 100 triangles, 99 of which were reasons why the salmon would not survive to maturity. My husband and son both took their turns and were both killed off as "salmon fry." My spin was equally disastrous. I called over to my husband to let him know my fate: "It's okay, dear. I never made it either. I wasn't even 'fertilized.'" A woman standing nearby glanced in my direction. Her eyes widened, and she started laughing. I was eight months pregnant. --Annette Toop (from Life's Like That, 1994)
My mother had forgotten to take her medicine to her bedroom. The next morning she called to my father, who was downstairs at the time, to please bring her a pill and water. Dad looked extremely puzzled as he dutifully carried up a pail of water --Anne Lindert-Wentzell (from Life's Like That, 1993)
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Perhaps because of a shortage of beds in the hospital, I found myself, a grandmother, in the maternity ward after my surgery. On the third day, I was returning from a short walk when a young nurse handed me an envelope and said: "Here's your free gift pack. Just fill in the name of your baby, and mail it in." --Anne Gauthier (from Life's Like That, 1995)
When we stopped at the U.S. Customs office on our way to Boston to drop my mother-in-law off at her sister's, a very serious-looking officer demanded to know if we were going to leave anything behind in the states. Slightly taken aback by his abrupt manner, I looked around the inside of the car and quickly answered, "Yes, my mother-in-law." He paused, began to smile and then with a chuckle waved us on. --Alan Moriarty (from Life's Like That, 1995)
My husband built a magnificent doghouse for our German shepherd and had called me at different stages of its construction to admire it. When it was completed, he asked me to help him move it. We picked it up, all 90 kilograms of it, and discovered we couldn't get it out the basem*nt door. --Theresa Moran (from Life's Like That, 1994)
Yoo Jin, my first name, is pronounced the same as Eugene in English. Coincidentally, my violin professor's name was Eugene. One day after my lesson, my professor's son came into the room and I was introduced to him. "John, this is Yoo Jin Son." When we shook hands, John introduced himself. "Hi, I'm Eugene's son too." --Yoo Jin Son (from Life's Like That, 1995)
Finding no size 11 shoes in our small town to complement my daughter Rebecca's graduation gown, we drove to the nearest city three hours away. We spent most of the day in and out of countless shops without finding anything suitable. I told Rebecca that perhaps we should say a short prayer. Then we looked up and spotted a rack of shoes outside a store we hadn't noticed before. We hurried in and finally found the perfect pair of shoes! We were so delighted we decided to stop at my sister's home in the city to share our happy story. "What store were you in?" she asked. I hadn't paid any attention while we were there, so I dug out the sales slip. It read "Lord's Shoes." --Victoria Wakulchyk (from Life's Like That, 1995)
I purchased a tub of margarine at the supermarket, but when I got home I found the surface of the margarine covered entirely with mold. When I returned to the store the next day, I reached into the bag and withdrew the container, which slipped from my fingers and landed right side up at the feet of the service manager. The 135
top popped off, revealing the nasty green scum inside. The manager glanced down, reached for a refund slip and commented approvingly, "Nice presentation." --Vera Lucas (from Life's Like That, 1994) Sometimes my husband leaves his dentures soaking in a bowl in the kitchen sink. When the two cleaning ladies went into the kitchen, one of them discovered the bowl. "Mr. Brawley," she shouted in mock outrage, "we don't do teeth!" --Vera A. Brawley (from Life's Like That, 1995)
Each of my twin ten-year-old daughters received a pretty cotton top with matching knee-length shorts from my sister in England. They loved them so much they chose to wear the outfits for their poetry performance at our summer arts festival. They won first prize and had their photograph on the front page of our local newspaper. A short while later, my sister phoned to ask if the pyjamas she sent had fit the twins. --Valerie Tomkies (from Life's Like That, 1995)
As my friend neared her car, pushing a buggy full of groceries, she noticed that a note had been stuck to her cracked windshield. It mysteriously read "Phone Jim," with a telephone number she didn't recognize. Puzzled, she unloaded the grocery cart, peeled the note from the glass and left. After she had unloaded the groceries at home, curiosity overcame her. She reached for the phone and dialed the unfamiliar number. After three rings a male voice answered: "Windshield repairs. Jim speaking." --Tracey Kimberley Thurston (from Life's Like That, 1995)
My cousin Donna and her husband, Dale, hosted two female exchange students from France. When the time came to say farewell, the girls gave their hosts a card to express their appreciation. Apparently there were still a few English nuances the girls had to grasp, for the good-bye card read, "In loving memory." --Tara Veer (from Life's Like That, 1995)
When he discovered that raccoons had found the corn patch, my father placed a live trap nearby and carefully baited it with bananas and peanut butter. Days passed, but no raccoons were caught, so Dad changed the bait to kippered herring. Finally an animal was caught. Securely locked in the wire-mesh box was our cat. --Tanya Keoughan (from Life's Like That, 1994)
My husband and I discovered that our 18-year-old son, Joe, was checking the calls on our answering machine but neglecting to give us our messages. Because I knew he'd listen to the message, I decided one day at the office to leave him a reminder on our machine to take out the garbage. 136
When I got home, the garbage was out. And Joe no longer checks the answering machine. --Tamara Dumeney-McCabe (from Life's Like That, 1994)
The day my great-aunt had her new carpets installed in her senior-residence apartment, I visited her to see if she needed any help. I found her in a somewhat frazzled state. As I went about placing the furniture in its usual position, she suddenly plopped down in a chair and declared, "I just can't figure out what happened, but it seems the day I turned 90, I lost all my energy!" "But you're 80, not 90," I pointed out. Upon hearing this, she marched into the kitchen, mixed her favourite co*cktail, took a sip and said, "Well, I really don't have any excuse then!" And proceeded to vacuum the whole apartment. --Suzanne Cobb (from Life's Like That, 1994)
Just before we left for a three-week vacation, we learned that our neighbour would be having a family reunion while we were away. Our son, Brandon, would be the only one at home, so I offered my friend the use of our house to help accommodate her guests. Brandon, I told her, could stay at his sister's house while her guests stayed in ours. Before I left, I listed the "to do's" for Brandon, to be done before the company arrived: Water the plants, vacuum, dust, mop the floors, put out clean towels and put clean sheets on the beds. I called home after the guests had left and asked Brandon how things had gone. Marvellously well, apparently. He had neglected to remove the note taped to the kitchen cupboard--and the guests had meticulously followed the instructions. --Sheila Bunnage (from Life's Like That, 1994)
I purchased an automatic dishwasher that connects to the sink. As soon as it was delivered, my family and I followed the directions to load it, hook it up and turn it on. As it went through the various cycles, we remarked on how quietly it performed. And when it turned itself off, we all went into the kitchen to see the sparkling clean dishes, only to find them in the same messy state as when they were put in. Rereading the directions, we discovered we'd done everything except turn the water on. "I guess that's what they call a dry run," said my sister-in-law. --Sheena Henwood (from Life's Like That, 1995)
At a ladies' social in our church, the special guest was a professional opera singer. Halfway through her song, her voice cracked and she stopped singing. She apologized, explaining that her mother, who was present, had been moved to tears, and this had affected her performance. She completed the song and then once again apologized for the interruption. Our hostess, wanting to show understanding and appreciation, said: "Oh, please don't apologize. Why, if I were your mother, I'd cry too!" --Sharon Hale (from Life's Like That, 1995)
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I detected a strong gas smell throughout the basem*nt when I returned home after visiting a friend. I quickly evacuated the house, grabbing my cordless phone on the way out. Once outside, I phoned the town office to have someone come to find the leak. Two men arrived and checked every pipe and gas appliance, but they found absolutely nothing. However, the gas detector finally went off--as it passed over a bucketful of my husband's homemade chokecherry wine. --Sandra Atkinson (from Life's Like That, 1994)
Shortly after we moved into our new home in the country, we discovered mint growing in abundance along the back fence that separated our property from our neighbour's paddock. Frequently my wife would garnish our salads, dinners, even our tea, with this aromatic spice. One day when I was helping the neighbour repair the back fence, I mentioned how wild the mint grew. "That's not mint," he corrected. "It's catnip." --Sam Bosnick (from Life's Like That, 1995)
One day my 97-year-old mother, a resident in a nursing home, had a visitor. The interim minister of the First United Church introduced herself. "But you're a woman," mother exclaimed. "Yes, I am," replied the visitor. Mother thought for a moment and then asked, "Does the congregation know that?" --R. J. Shirley (from Life's Like That, 1994)
The organist hadn't arrived at St. Pius X Church in Edmonton by the time the wedding ceremony was to begin, so the priest appealed to the guests for help. At the appointed hour, the bride triumphantly walked down the aisle while the entire congregation hummed, "Tum tum ta dum, tum tum ta dum...." --Rosa Blanes (from Life's Like That, 1995)
One Saturday afternoon my wife and I and some friends had a garage sale. A large grey limousine drew up to the curb, and a uniformed chauffeur got out, walked around and opened the rear door. Three beautifully attired bridesmaids, followed by a gorgeous white-gowned bride, stepped out. Our wives rushed over, and the bride explained. "We discovered we were 15 minutes early, so we decided to kill time at a garage sale." Later we were surprised to see the same limo back again. When the bride stepped out, she said, "I had to prove to you I really was going to get married, so I brought the groom to show you." --Robert Webber (from Life's Like That, 1996)
While I was visiting a friend, his university-age daughter hurried into the room. She enthusiastically explained her plans for the afternoon and ended with a request for some pocket money. With an exaggerated 138
sigh and roll of his eyes, my friend reached for his wallet. "Maybe you'd like a money tree out in the backyard," he grumbled, winking at me. Kissing him on the cheek, and with a grin of her own, she replied: "Oh, no, Daddy. We'd never replace you!" --Renai Kugler (from Life's Like That, 1995)
Travelling home alone, I had to stand on the crowded bus. I was gazing out the window when all of a sudden, I saw my grandfather pull up beside the bus. I was so surprised to see him that I blurted out, "Hey, that's my grandfather!" I was embarrassed to realize I had spoken out loud, until the stranger next to me looked out the window, then turned to me. "Yes," he said, "I thought I recognized him." --Penny Scuse (from Life's Like That, 1995)
We never realized just how much my father loved eating crusty buns until a friend of ours came to stay with us one weekend. As soon as Nicole arrived, my mother, sister and I left with her to do some shopping. When we returned, Mom was greeted by my father grumbling about how stale the buns were. Since we had run out of buns and they were one of the items on my mother's shopping list, we were puzzled until we noticed Nicole's lovely housewarming gift: an artfully arranged breadbasket centrepiece, coated in acrylic, with a sizeable hole on top where a crusty bun had a huge bite taken out of it. --Peg Hauschildt (from Life's Like That, 1994)
Scavenging for "treasures" along the beach in Anguilla in the West Indies was one way I enjoyed my vacation, and one lucky day I found a U.S. $20 bill. Unfortunately it was so faded and tattered that nobody on the island would accept it, nor would the banks in Montreal accept it when I returned home. But then I hit upon the idea of going to the RCMP office near my house and asking them to tell me if it was counterfeit or not. The officer there confirmed it was legal tender, gave me his card and offered to intercede with my usual bank. I left the office pleased that my persistence had paid off--and then I spotted a $30 parking ticket under my windshield wiper. --Pat Hunte (from Life's Like That, 1995)
At the end of the rehearsal for a Haydn mass, I lingered in the church to chat with a few friends. When I finally went to pick up my raincoat, there were only a few left, and mine was not among them, although there was one of a similar buff colour. Glancing around the hall, I spotted a gentleman squeezed uncomfortably into a coat that looked suspiciously like mine. I walked over and saw that it was indeed a woman's coat, buttoned on the left. "Have you perhaps taken the wrong raincoat?" I asked. He looked very surprised and admitted his error. "Then this one must be yours," I suggested, handing him the other buffcoloured coat I had found on the rack. "Oh, no," he replied. "Mine's black." --Pamela Fairbank (from Life's Like That, 1995)
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A friend of mine was playing golf at our local course. He was at the ladies' tee when he heard a voice on the loudspeaker. "Will the player teeing off on the ladies' tee return to the men's tee!" My friend hollered back, "If the observer in the pro shop had been watching, he'd have known it was my second shot!" --O. J. Petersen (from Life's Like That, 1995)
A senior officer was about to retire from the firm for which my husband worked, and employees representing plants across the country were invited to his retirement party in Montreal. When the last couple arrived at our table, my husband introduced us, told them he worked in the Montreal plant and asked where they were from. "Vancouver," replied the husband. But his wife corrected him. "Don't you remember," she said, "we moved to Winnipeg last week." I had a sister in Winnipeg, I told them, and had visited a couple of times. They asked me where she lived, but I had to admit I didn't remember the district, just the street number and name, which I told them. They both started laughing. "We moved in beside Marj last week, and she's minding our dog." --Olive M. Walker (from Life's Like That, 1994)
My friend Tom and I were sitting in a coffee shop when an older gentleman approached, a look of recognition on his face. As he was about to greet Tom, he realiZed he was mistaken and blurted out: "Oh, I'm sorry. You're not the man I thought you were." "That's okay," Tom replied, "my wife keeps telling me the same thing." --Neil Ware (from Life's Like That, 1995)
For more than ten years, Christmas in our neighbourhood always brought a smile when we passed one particular house. It proclaimed in bright lights HUMBUG across the second-storey windows. Over one summer the house was sold, and as Christmas neared that same year, we drove past the former "Humbug" house. We realized the new owners did not share the previous occupants' feelings about the season. Stretched across the upper windows was a large banner advising UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT. --M. G. Holmes (from Life's Like That, 1994)
I noticed an elderly couple in a nearby booth in the restaurant enjoying each other's company. They looked to be in their 80s. I wondered if they'd have to wait for a bus to take them home, while I, much younger, would enjoy a drive home in my car. While I was wondering, they got up to leave--and reached down for their motorcycle helmets. --Muriel I. Kennedy (from Life's Like That, 1995)
The cashier had rung up a cantaloupe in my grandma's groceries. "Wait a minute," she said to the clerk. "I didn't get a cantaloupe, did I?" 140
"Oh," said the cashier, nodding her head towards the next customer. "I'm sorry. I thought you two were together." Grandma turned around, and there stood a tall, dashing, silver-haired gentleman who flashed her a smile. She recognized him immediately, but before she could say anything, he spoke. "Oh, no, we're not together," he said to the clerk. "Although we do play a round from time to time." And they did; but they didn't explain to the wide-eyed cashier that it was a round of euchre they played together. --Matthew Verduin (from Life's Like That, 1994)
The youth from our church were tossing snowballs as they walked to the nearby school gymnasium for a volleyball game. As the game got under way, someone noticed that one of the girls had a problem. Her hands had turned a bright blue. As the players gathered around, they also decided that her hands were swollen. Quickly she was driven to the local hospital, where the doctor was immediately summoned. When he arrived he looked at her hands. "That's dye off your mitts," he diagnosed. --Martha Anderson (from Life's Like That, 1995)
While taking an evening stroll, I passed a homeowner sitting with his dog on their front step. "Pretty dog," I observed. To my surprise, the dog, half samoyed and half golden retriever, immediately gave a gigantic woof and bounded across the lawn, jumped up and very nearly looked me in the eye. His embarrassed owner called, "Come back here, Bear!" Then, apologizing to me, added, "He knows those words." --Marjorie Robertson (from Life's Like That, 1995)
Some college friends and I were planning a wilderness canoe trip in the Northwest Territories. The week before our departure, we filled my basem*nt with the mountain of groceries we had calculated would feed eight canoeists for a month. As we were packing our rations, a canvasser came to the door. Statistics Canada, she informed us, had randomly selected our household to participate in a survey. We were asked if we would mind listing every item of food we had bought that week. --Marion Hall (from Life's Like That, 1995)
While we were out, my husband and I left a legal document face down on the kitchen counter. When we returned, I realized my sister had come by to pick up a pressure cooker that I had borrowed from her. She couldn't find it, so she scribbled a note to me on the nearest available paper--which happened to be the document. The note read "I want the pressure cooker." She had written her request on the back of our last will and testament. --Margi Johnston (from Life's Like That, 1995)
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While I was visiting my father, my brother called. He couldn't get his secondhand clothes dryer to work. He had tested it before buying and had been satisfied that it was a worthwhile purchase. My father made several suggestions, but nothing seemed to work. Then my husband, sitting across the room, asked if the dryer door was open. Dad passed the question along, and his grin provided the answer. My brother quickly said goodbye and hung up. --Margaret Millar (from Life's Like That, 1994)
We noticed the glasses in which the drinks were served at Marie and Ted's dinner party were engraved with their initials. During the evening a glass was accidentally knocked over and broken. From the kitchen Marie cried, "Was it an MT?" Immediately one of the guests replied: "No. It was full." --Marcella Wells (from Life's Like That, 1995)
Although my friend Tina was in labour with her first child, she was nonetheless amused to learn that in the very next delivery room, another Tina was also in labour. Both women were receiving enthusiastic coaching from their respective attendants. From my friend's room, shouts of "Come on, Tina! Come on, Tina!" could be heard, while similar cries of "Push, Tina! Push, Tina!" emanated from the neighbouring room. After many minutes of this seemingly competitive coaching, my friend delivered her beautiful baby girl, and in an exhausted but triumphant voice, declared, "I won!" --Lynn Frizzell (from Life's Like That, 1995)
At the supermarket checkout, I hoisted two jugs of distilled water onto the counter. One of them burst, spewing its contents over the entire area, including the cashier and me. I was dismayed, and the clerk was obviously upset. Grabbing the loudspeaker she immediately requested a mop. Minutes passed, and nothing happened. Frantic, she screamed into the speaker: "We need a mop and a bucket at checkout No. 4 immediately! A lady's water has broken." --Lynn Forbes (from Life's Like That, 1994)
Our friends had instructed their 16-year-old son, Ryan, to pull out all the weeds from the vegetable garden while they were at work. He was to leave nothing behind. That evening when they arrived home, they went out to the garden to get some fresh vegetables for supper. All the weeds had been pulled and, to their surprise, had even been thrown in the garbage can. Every last weed was gone. But so were the peas, the carrots, the radishes.... --Lynda Harder (from Life's Like That, 1995)
Sitting at the kitchen table of our rented apartment, my husband and I were catalogue shopping for appliances for the new home we were building. Rick suggested we buy a stove with the self-clean option. I countered that keeping the oven clean was no big deal, and we could put the extra money to better use elsewhere. Without a word he went to the stove and threw open the oven door--and we ordered the option. 142
--Lynda Belt (from Life's Like That, 1994)
While visiting an old friend, the father of ten growing children, I asked, "How in the world do you get them all to the table at the same time?" "That's easy," he replied with a twinkle in his eye. "We just set the table for nine and blow a whistle." --Lyle W. Fraser (from Life's Like That, 1995)
In Scotland there are mystery-tour day-trips by bus, so called because passengers don't know in advance their route or stops along the way. My grandparents owned a small hotel and sometimes hosted these groups for lunch. On a rare day off, my grandmother decided to take a mystery tour. The bus stopped at her own hotel for lunch. --Lyalla Brun (from Life's Like That, 1994)
I'm constantly reminding my husband, Dean, to call and let me know where he is if he's going to be late getting home. I didn't realize how frustrated he was with my habit until we were discussing our wills with our lawyer. We told him we wanted to be cremated and our ashes spread. Our lawyer said he wanted that too, but his wife insisted that his ashes be buried. Immediately Dean said: "Women! They just have to know where you are all the time." --Lori Kovacs (from Life's Like That, 1995)
Over lunch my dad was telling his friend that my mom was trying to get him involved in a square-dancing class. Dad explained that he wasn't too keen on the idea, but he couldn't find a way to tell her no. Dad's friend, eyes twinkling, asked, "Bill, are you a man or a spouse?" --Lisanne Bowness (from Life's Like That, 1994) I went downstairs one Sunday morning about a half hour after my husband and saw he was immersed in his newspaper and hadn't made coffee. When I voiced my displeasure, he barely raised his head before returning to the sports section. "You're a sports fanatic," I accused. "No, I'm not," he replied. "Well," I asked, "what do you call a man who watches a hockey game for three hours on Saturday night, stays up to see the highlights of the game on the 11:00 news, then gets up on Sunday to read the coverage of the same game in the newspaper?" "Well-informed," he declared. --Linda Stipchick (from Life's Like That, 1994)
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A sign at a garage sale where I stopped read ALL PRICES NEGOTIABLE. This policy was apparent in the pricing of two matching lamps, standing together on the far side of the display. One was marked, "$5 for the pair"; the other, "$3 for the pair." --Linda Espe (from Life's Like That, 1995)
I was shopping in a department store when I heard a woman scream: "My God! Oh, my God!" Thinking it must be an emergency, I rushed over. I rounded the corner and saw a middle-aged woman with her hand on her chest, head down. She was standing on a scale. --Lily Wang (from Life's Like That, 1994)
My son-in-law suggested to my daughter that they adopt a third child. Marcia readily agreed, but with their finances still recovering from the second adoption, she suggested they wait until she won the lottery. When I asked her if she had bought any tickets, Marcia said: "Oh, no. It's my form of birth control." --Lila Mogelon (from Life's Like That, 1995)
Although our choir generally practises together, occasionally we split into sectionals: basses with tenors (men), altos with sopranos (women). Each group requires a pianist. As we were preparing for one concert, our choir director, who is also a pianist, thought it wise to split into our sectionals to practise. She turned to one lady, another pianist, and instructed, "I'll go upstairs with the women while you play with the men." --Lavina Thiessen (from Life's Like That, 1995)
Upon her return from a trip to Minneapolis, my friend said how much she liked the city and how comfortable she felt there. "You don't even have to lock your car," she said, "except in August." "What difference would there be in August?" I asked. "In August if you leave your car unlocked and unattended, when you return, the whole backseat is full of zucchini!" --Laurel Osborn (from Life's Like That, 1995)
After we had endured four months of below-freezing temperatures, the mercury in Edmonton climbed to a balmy 10 degrees C. A woman who works with my wife, and whose first language is not English, remarked: "What a country! Yesterday I was freezing; today I am in heat!" --Larry Langley (from Life's Like That, 1995)
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It was a lovely day, and I decided to sit on a park bench to enjoy the warmth and flowers. Two older men were sitting nearby. "You know, if I had a choice of where I were to die," I overheard one man say, "I'd choose my garden in the summer or my greenhouse in the winter." "If I knew where I was going to die," harrumphed his companion, "I just wouldn't go there." --Kitty Cochrane (from Life's Like That, 1994)
For years my father was away most of the time working at various construction sites. When he retired he decided to buy a new truck. I overheard him discussing prices and options, and learned that he was considering a truck with standard transmission. Since all our other cars had been automatic, I was surprised. "Dad, I didn't know you could drive a standard." Equally surprised, Dad answered, "How do you think I've been making a living for the last 45 years?" My father was a heavy-equipment operator. --Kirk E. Reid (from Life's Like That, 1995)
Before we left for the beach, my husband and I observed that finding a beach towel in the house always seemed well nigh impossible in the summer. I later mentioned this seemingly seasonal occurrence to my neighbour Jill, whose backyard pool is popular with kids in the neighbourhood. "I'll bet I've got some of your missing towels," Jill suggested. "Heck," she added, "I'll bet I'm the only person who can sort my laundry by colours in the winter and by family in the summer!" --Kim Lapointe (from Life's Like That, 1995)
The attendant on our flight from Los Angeles to Hawaii asked if we'd like coffee or tea. Since we were about to settle in for a long night, my wife asked if she could have some decaffeinated coffee. "Certainly," the attendant replied, "but it'll take about ten minutes. It's instant." --Kevin Shier (from Life's Like That, 1995)
I was on my way to the theatre and was all dressed up. I parked the car, and as I turned the corner, the wind caught my hat and sent it sailing. I stood helplessly watching it. Suddenly a man passed me, dashed into the traffic, retrieved my hat and handed it triumphantly back to me. I thanked him profusely, but he said: "No, dear lady, thank you. It's been a long time since I chased a lady's hat!" --Kathleen Mclaughlin (from Life's Like That, 1994)
My husband's family owned and operated a bakery. Shortly after we were married, my sister-in-law, Mona, came for a visit. She was planning on staying for a week. One day while we were chatting, I asked, "Mona, do you think you could make us one of your scrumptious apple pies?"
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"No, I couldn't," she said. Seeing the hurt look on my face, she continued, "I could make you 50, but not one!" --Kathleen Mclaughlin (from Life's Like That, 1995)
A true-blue Albertan even after he moved out to Victoria with his family, my uncle frequently found reasons to return to his boyhood city of Edmonton. On one trip he bought a side of Alberta beef. The farmer selling him the meat asked, "Why don't you buy your beef in B.C.?" Uncle Pat replied, "Have you ever eaten Alberta salmon?" --Kathleen A. Hutchings (from Life's Like That, 1995)
After returning a defective toy tape player to the manufacturer, my husband and I received a letter from the company. They apologized for the disappointment and promised to forward, under separate cover, "a replacement defective tape player." We chuckled over the error. But, sure enough, a new defective tape player did arrive in the mail. --Karen E. Billig (from Life's Like That, 1995)
The speed limit on the highway running through our small Manitoba town was changed from 70 km/h to 60. Then one afternoon the town reeve was stopped in the coffee shop by a local RCMP officer. "Can I speak to you a moment?" he said. "Sure," the reeve replied. "What can I help you with?" "We're advising people that the speed limit has been lowered on the highway through town, and we'd appreciate your co-operation." "No problem," said the reeve. "Do you want me to bring this up at the next council meeting?" "No," replied the Mountie. "We want you to slow down." --Karen Emilson (from Life's Like That, 1994)
My husband, Dave, had offered to give the toast at the wedding of his longtime friend Malcolm. They had shared many happy, and foolish, incidents, and as the day approached, there was much speculation as to which events Dave was going to reveal. At the reception when Dave rose to speak, the groom looked terrified. "I don't have to tell you anything embarrassing about Malcolm," Dave began, "because for the last three months, he's been so worried about what I might say that he's already confessed everything he could think of to his bride." --Karen Brown (from Life's Like That, 1995)
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During her first year away from home, my daughter wrote quite often. One of her letters said: "I never realized how much I depended on you for so many things, and how much you did for me. I took it all for granite." Her brother read the letter, grinned and said: "Yep, that's you, Mom. Solid as a rock." --J. Tymstra (from Life's Like That, 1995)
Travelling on the highway, our pastor passed a car with a flat tire parked on the shoulder. A woman stood beside it. He stopped and offered his help, and she accepted gratefully. After getting out his Jack, removing the tire and installing the spare, he said cheerily: "Well, that's that. Now I'll just lower the back and you can be on your way." "Oh, please let the car down gently," she cautioned. "My husband's asleep in the back." --J. A. Bell (from Life's Like That, 1995)
When my friend moved to New Brunswick from Vancouver Island, she decided not to attempt winter driving until she got a few pointers. One evening as I prepared to drive her home from a visit, she told me that the back road had been really icy when her brother had dropped her off earlier, and asked if I'd give her a few driving tips. "No problem," I said, as I gave my stuck seat belt a yank. Immediately I was in the reclined-seat position with my friend looking down at me. Nervously she asked, "You have done this before, haven't you?" --June Gallant (from Life's Like That, 1995) My husband is a cabinetmaker in our small town, where people recognize one another by where they work or by family resemblance. One day my husband's brother, an electrician, was grocery shopping when an elderly lady firmly gripped his arm. "Oh, thank goodness I bumped into you," she said. "Could you build me a set of kitchen cabinets, dear?" My brother-in-law, confused, and forgetting he was wearing a hat advertising a cabinet making company, answered, "Well, I could, ma'am, but I don't know what they'd look like." --June Gallant (from Life's Like That, 1995)
As my husband and I were going through old photographs, we came across one taken of the two of us about ten years earlier. I remarked that I had been much thinner then and he, much heavier. "I guess you could say," he observed, "that our rolls have been reversed." --June C. Ross (from Life's Like That, 1994)
Running a farm and managing the accounting firm where he worked had kept my brother-in-law Ron so busy he hadn't had much time to relax with his family. Just before his birthday, he dropped a hint that if he had cross-country skis, he'd be able to spend more time with his family and get exercise as well. On his 147
birthday Ron learned that they hadn't missed his hint. He unwrapped the very same skis his family had given him the year before! --Judy Saxby (from Life's Like That, 1994)
When we visited our daughter, Jan, and her family in Pleasanton, Calif., my husband and I accompanied them to church. As we were leaving, Jan introduced us to the minister. "These are my parents, visiting from Victoria, B.C." The minister paused for a few seconds and then said, "You may never have to go to heaven." --Joyce M. Dunning (from Life's Like That, 1994)
During our visit with my sister, Paula, in Nova Scotia, my wife, Beverley, and I spent three days on St. Pierre, off the coast of Newfoundland. On our first morning there, I noticed that all the electrical outlets on the French island were European and there were no adapters where I could plug in my razor. When we returned to Paula's home, I headed for the bathroom to shave off my scruffy beard. A few seconds later, I started laughing and walked back into the kitchen, shaving with my cordless, battery-powered razor. --Joseph Moret (from Life's Like That, 1995)
My husband, Rick, and I and our two boys recently moved to a new town. We decided to take the boys to a Halloween party at the local community centre. Rick was talking to a new acquaintance and later introduced me to him. As we were leaving, Rick shook the fellow's hand and said, "Nice to meet you, Jim." "That's Greg," he replied. "And don't worry. I couldn't remember your name either." --Joanne Young (from Life's Like That, 1994)
My sister was involved in a car accident, and as she stood, shaken, at the scene, a bystander went over to her and asked if she was okay. Marion burst into tears. "I broke a fingernail!" she cried. --Joan Robbie (from Life's Like That, 1994)
While visiting friends near Larchmont, N.Y., I spotted a garage sale sign. I can never pass up a garage sale, so I followed the arrows. After browsing awhile, I approached the owner with my purchase. "I bet you never expected to get a customer from Toronto," I joked. Without missing a beat, she said, "Gee, I didn't know we put the signs up that far away." --Joan Mandarino (from Life's Like That, 1994)
A week earlier my son, Parry, who attends university, had been shopping for a pair of shoes. After spending considerable time in one shop, he found a very expensive pair he liked, but he didn't have enough money 148
with him to buy them. Now he and I were back at the same store. As we entered, the salesman obviously recognized him and said, "Oh, you've got the cash now?" "No," Parry answered. "I've brought my banker." --Jim Hayes (from Life's Like That, 1995)
My soccer teammates and I were travelling in a Budget rent-a-van from Alberta to Washington State for a tournament. Just before our destination, I began to collect my belongings and noticed my wallet was missing. It wasn't in the van, so we stopped, and I called the restaurant in Chilliwack, B.C., where we had lunch. I had just got through when a team member told me that my wallet had been found. It was where I had left it in Chilliwack, on the front bumper of the van--right above a plate that read THE SMART MONEY IS ON BUDGET. --Jenny Wood (from Life's Like That, 1995)
Without prior warning, friends of mine received their long-awaited adopted baby. At the first opportunity, they drove to the countryside to see their parents and show off their new son. After a wonderful visit, my friends started for home. Before they had travelled very far, however, they drove back to the farmhouse-where Grandma stood at the door, smiling, holding their new baby. --Jean Knox (from Life's Like That, 1995)
My parents, approaching retirement age, finally decided to sell the family farm. After writing a lengthy ad describing the land and their home, my father paused. "Hey, wait a minute," he said thoughtfully. "This is the place I've been looking for all my life!" They didn't move. --Janet Kuhn (from Life's Like That, 1994)
For their retirement vacation, my mother and father decided to drive through the western provinces, the Northwest Territories, Yukon and Alaska. Dad, who loves to fish but never had the time, was especially looking forward to breaking in all the gear my brother and I had given him, including the graphite pole that came in its own leather case. After driving for a few days, they found a perfect spot where Mom could read in the shade and Dad could fish. After he had struggled down the bank with all his gear, Mom was surprised to see him lugging it back up a few minutes later. He had just discovered that what he had packed was his leather-encased pool cue. --Jane-Ann Dale (from Life's Like That, 1994)
My six-year-old son and I were watching the news on TV and heard a fascinating report: A giant meteor had passed very close to Earth that morning. According to the weatherman, we had missed total annihilation by "about an hour."
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When my husband came home that evening, our son couldn't wait to share this exciting story of our narrow brush with disaster. His father paused only for a second and then grasped the true significance of the situation. With a sigh of relief, he exclaimed, "Thank God for daylight saving time!" --Jan Hunt (from Life's Like That, 1995)
As I filled in the appropriate blanks on my cheque to pay for my purchases at a local drugstore, I asked the clerk, "Is today the 15th?" "No, it's only the 13th. Don't rush it! I'm moving at the end of the month." "Oh, I'm moving at the end of the month too!" I said. We smiled at the coincidence. "Are you moving far?" the woman asked. "No, just across the Fraser River, to Mission," I replied. She then took my completed cheque and looked at the names stamped across the top. "Oh, my gosh! You guys are buying my house!" --Jackie Conn (from Life's Like That, 1995)
I phoned my wife from the office and asked her to pick up a couple of steaks, which I'd barbecue for dinner. "Not tonight, dear," was her reply. "I have a haddock." --Jack Howard (from Life's Like That, 1995)
When my washing machine broke down in mid-cycle, my husband, a machinist and millwright, had it disassembled, parts strewn all over the floor, within an hour. Another hour passed, and Jim announced the job was finished. I listened for the familiar sound of the washing cycle, heard no noise and remarked how quietly the machine ran now. "Oh, I didn't turn it on," Jim said. "I left that for you." "You were downstairs and you walked back up two flights of stairs to tell me to go down to do what you could have done in a second?" I asked in amazement. "You know I wouldn't do that, honey," he replied. "You take it for granted that just because I know how to fix the machine, I also know how to turn it on." --Irma Minshull (from Life's Like That, 1995)
In the line-up at the store, I overheard the checker ask the lady in front of me if she had an air miles card. "Oh, yes," she said. "I have enough air miles to get to Dallas, where my son lives." "That's wonderful," said the cashier. "My son doesn't think so," the lady replied. "I don't have enough to get back." 150
--Iris Renzie (from Life's Like That, 1994)
I was eight months pregnant with our first child when my husband, Rai, decided to go hunting in the mountains. My mother, who was visiting at the time, was horrified. If it should be necessary, she asked, how would I get to the hospital 160 kilometres away? "Do you have a contingency plan?" she asked. Rai, who was checking weather reports and topographical maps, and only half listening, looked up. "Oh, sure," he replied. "I can always go fishing." --Iris E. Roper (from Life's Like That, 1994)
I left my husband sleeping after his night shift when I went to work Monday morning. Because I wouldn't see him before he left for work again, we had arranged that he'd leave our only key to our new ground-floor apartment with the neighbour across the hall. That evening I asked the neighbour for the key, but she said no one had left it. I considered my options and decided to break a small window beside the back door. I managed to get inside and discovered a note from my husband on the kitchen table: "Henny, the key is under the mat." --Henny Spreitzer (from Life's Like That, 1995) Because there were quite a few golfers ahead of us, my sister and I and the two older ladies with whom we had been teamed sat chatting. One of the ladies looked at me and said hesitantly, "I don't know if I should tell you this..." Alarmed, I blurted, "What?" She pointed to the biggest daddy-longlegs spider I had ever seen, perched in the middle of the front of my shirt! I shot to my feet, let out a bloodcurdling scream and frantically brushed my hands up and down my shirt. While everyone within hearing distance stared at me, I sat down to regain my composure. The lady looked at me sympathetically. "That's exactly what I would have done," she assured me. --Helen Medlicott (from Life's Like That, 1995)
I rarely wear a watch. Once, however, I had to wait several hours at the BC Ferry terminal in Tsawwassen and passed the time reading two newspapers and doing the crosswords. Finally, wanting to know how much longer before the 7:20 p.m. ferry left, I approached a pregnant woman who was wearing a watch. When I asked what time it was, she replied, "Four weeks." --G. P. Harrison (from Life's Like That, 1994)
Because we had heard rave reviews about their fish and chips, my husband and I went to the local restaurant. When the waitress brought our plates, we were both astonished at the large pieces of fish. "Holy mackerel!" my husband exclaimed. "No," the waitress replied, "it's holy halibut." 151
--Grace Lacoursiere (from Life's Like That, 1994)
Only two visitors were permitted in the patient's hospital room, so I stayed in the lounge while my wife and sister-in-law visited their sister. In the two hours I waited, a security guard had made three passes through the waiting room before, on his fourth trip, he came over to me, a senior citizen, and asked compassionately, "Did someone forget you?" --Gordon Kelly (from Life's Like That, 1995)
I accompanied my sister on a business trip to a small outport community in Newfoundland. After strolling around for a couple of hours, I went into a small supermarket, which had a snack bar. After checking the menu posted on the wall, I decided a hot dog would suffice to curb my appetite until dinner. The waitress left, but returned saying my hot dog would take a while and would I instead care to order something else. I declined, and she again left. When she returned she told me I'd have to order something else. "The cook won't open a new package of wieners for only one hot dog." --Glenis Adey (from Life's Like That, 1994)
To save ten dollars, I decided to do my car's oil change myself. I crawled under the vehicle and was faced with a barrage of steel bolts. Well, there could be only one drain bolt--and I picked the most obvious choice. Out poured a dark, oily liquid. I filled the engine with oil and cleaned up. My wife took the car to run a few errands, but when she returned, she complained that it wasn't running well. Fearing I had used the wrong oil, I immediately drove to the nearest mechanic and told him the story. "After all," I concluded, "how many drain bolts can there be?" "Well, sir," he replied, "there can be two, and the one you drained was the one for the transmission fluid." --Gerry David (from Life's Like That, 1995)
A friend of mine, a strict vegetarian, attended a presentation with his wife, and an announcement was made that door prizes would be given out at the end of the meeting. Sure enough, he won the grand prize: $500 worth of beef. --Gerry David (from Life's Like That, 1995)
Because the Trans-Canada Highway in Newfoundland was still under construction, my wife and I had to take a detour onto a rough road that went through a fishing village. We decided to get some refreshments and stopped an elderly gentleman to ask if there was a place to eat. "Sure," he said. "Just follow me." As we approached a little cottage, I heard him yell, "Mom, we have visitors from the mainland--nice folks and their children." --George Alivisatos (from Life's Like That, 1994)
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On a trip in northern British Columbia during "the season of potholes," my friend had just asked me to take the wheel. I hadn't driven very far when, with my hand resting on the centre of the steering wheel, I accidentally blew the horn. At that moment I also hit a large pothole. "That won't work," my friend quipped. "They won't move." --Fred J. Cramer (from Life's Like That, 1995)
The alterations we were having done on our newly purchased house were to have been completed before we moved in. The contractor had had six weeks to finish the job. Nevertheless, we moved in to a gutted house amid a horrible mess. Life was a nightmare, a nightmare that continued for ten more weeks. Finally my wife was able to luxuriate in her first shower in our new shower stall--and then she stepped out into ankle-deep water. The shower door had been hung upside down. Later, while standing in the watery mess, I showed the contractor the five-centimetre space below the shower door. He studied the stall with his expert eye. "You know," he drawled in a matter-of-fact manner, "I've installed hundreds of these shower stalls, and they all leak." --Frank May (from Life's Like That, 1994)
One evening when my friends and I were on a camping vacation in Cavendish, P.E.I., we decided to take advantage of the free shuttle service from our campground to a local pub and went to the office to wait for it. When a large van pulled up, our group of five climbed aboard. "To the pub," hollered one of my exuberant comrades--much to the surprise of the two men and their wives who had simply stopped their camper to register for the night. --Frances Sullivan (from Life's Like That, 1995)
My husband, Ernest, and I have often spoken of the great medical care given to major-league baseball players. One day while visiting our family doctor, Ernest said, "I'll bet if I were a million-dollar baseball player, their doctors would be able to heal my painful feet!" "Mr. Kelly," our doctor replied, "I doubt if even the major-league medical staff could ease the pain of a 75year-old player." --Ellen Kelly (from Life's Like That, 1995)
A friend, a senior citizen almost exactly the same age as my wife and I, was in the hospital recovering from extensive surgery. After getting directions from the receptionist, we went to our friend's room. She was asleep amid a forest of racks, tubes, bags and bottles, looking quite ghastly. Dorothy and I looked at each other and realized that our visit was possibly premature. As we left the ward, we stopped at the nursing station to inquire about our friend's condition and to leave our name so that she'd know we had called. The pert young nurse cheerily filled us in and, as we turned to go, asked, "Are you her parents?" --D. W. McCallister (from Life's Like That, 1994)
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I couldn't find the plastic cap to the overflow tank when I finished some work I had been doing on my truck's radiator. After an extensive search, I finally gave up. Several days later at a gas station, I asked the attendant if he had a cap that would fit the tank, and I opened the hood to show him. He glanced inside and said, "Why not use the one that's sitting here on your battery?" --Doug Cline (from Life's Like That, 1996)
It was a cold winter day in Winnipeg, the roads were icy and I was nearly frozen as I ran across Portage Avenue, heading home for lunch. I was almost at the sidewalk when I slipped and fell. I tried to get up, but slipped again. The traffic light was changing, and I frantically crawled to the curb on my hands and knees. An elderly lady came over to help me. "You know," she scolded, "that's no way to cross the street!" --Dorothy Vien (from Life's Like That, 1995)
On her 97th birthday, my friend Edna received many letters and cards of congratulations, including one from the prime minister congratulating her on her 107th birthday. The next year as her birthday approached, she was asked by a casual acquaintance how old she'd be. "I really don't know," she replied. "I haven't heard from the government yet." --Dorothy Montgomery (from Life's Like That, 1995)
I'm an avid shopper and often make a whole day of it. My husband prefers to stay home, but sometimes asks me to look for an item and price it for him. One morning as I was leaving on one of my Saturday excursions, I asked Milton if there was anything he wanted me to look at. "Yes," he replied. "Your watch!" --Doris Nelson (from Life's Like That, 1994)
Our son in Prince Edward Island and my twin sister's boy in British Columbia were getting married the same summer. In our monthly phone conversations, neither my twin nor I mentioned wedding gifts. The day after I ordered an oak swag lamp as a wedding gift to be shipped directly to my nephew, I received a call informing me there was a parcel for me to pick up. The sender was my twin sister in B.C. The parcel turned out to be a wedding gift, an oak swag lamp for my son. --Doris K. Bernard (from Life's Like That, 1995)
One snowy evening in a restaurant parking lot, I was busily brushing off my car. Suddenly an attractive young lady appeared and began to help. When I asked the reason for my good fortune, she replied, "I want your parking space." --Dick Cowling (from Life's Like That, 1994)
My father and four of his friends built a waterbed frame for my mother. When they finished filling up the mattress, they all lay on it to test their hard work. My grandmother came to visit the next day, and my 154
mother showed her the beautiful bed. She told Grandma to lie on it to see what it felt like. Grandma was reluctant because she's heavyset and thought she might burst the water bag. My mother turned to her and said: "Don't worry, Mom. You can't possibly break it. Just last night I had five men on it at once." --Denise Thompson (from Life's Like That, 1994) My husband and I treated my parents to a murder-mystery dinner. We arrived at the restaurant, were immediately seated and moments later the MC appeared to say that he needed a few members of the audience to participate. I was approached and, after much prodding from my husband and parents, nervously agreed. I was to be a sexy young girl trying to make it as an actress while concealing my disreputable past as a playgirl. It sounded like a fun role, but it was my real-life character that shook the audience with laughter I was eight months pregnant! --Denise Onslow (from Life's Like That, 1995)
There were no injuries in the minor car accident my mother-in-law was involved in. But the police went to the scene to make a report. My mother-in-law was surprised when they informed her she was at fault. She decided to contest this and go to court. On the appointed day, she marched before the judge when her name was called. He looked down at her and asked if she was represented by legal counsel. She drew herself up to her full five feet. "I don't need a lawyer," she declared. "I intend to tell the truth!" She won. --Deanna Bragg (from Life's Like That, 1995)
On a cold winter evening in Smithers, B.C., I pulled up to a gas pump. Because I needed an item from a nearby store, I decided to go there while my tank was being filled. I left my credit card with the attendant. I'd only gone a few steps when it occurred to me that I might be delayed because of a line-up at the store. So I called back to the attendant that if he needed to move the truck, the keys were on the seat. "Let me get this straight, sir," he responded, shivering in the cold. "You're leaving the credit card and the keys?" he grinned. "I'll write you from California!" --David F. Hatler (from Life's Like That, 1994)
I noticed a for-sale ad in an Alberta paper for a tractor I was interested in. I called the number and left a message on the answering machine that Dave from Kitimat, B.C., called about the ad and asked if they'd call me back after 9:00 p.m. When two days passed and they still hadn't phoned, I left another message: Dave from Kitimat called again, and they could reach me at work between 8:00 and 5:00 p.m. Two more days went by, and still I hadn't heard. But this time when I called, John answered the phone. "Hi," I said, "this is Dave from Kitimat. I was wondering why you never returned my calls." "We wanted to," John told me, "but you never left your phone number." --Dave Karakochuk (from Life's Like That, 1995)
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It was the end of a truly magnificent day of perfect ski conditions at Blackcomb Mountain in British Columbia, and I was as exhausted as everyone else walking back to the parking lot. I passed an obviously upset mother admonishing her lagging young skier with, "Johnny, why is it that you can't walk now as fast as you were skiing all day down that mountain?" A passing stranger came to Johnny's defence. "Gravity, Mom!" he suggested. --Dan Windeatt (from Life's Like That, 1994)
As I backed the car from our driveway, I noticed our six-year-old son playing on the front lawn. Just then I heard a crunch behind the car. I lowered my window and angrily said to my son, "Jacob, that's what you get for leaving your bike behind the car!" Jacob looked over, shrugged his shoulders and replied: "That's not my bike, Dad. That's the lawn mower." --C. P. MacDougall (from Life's Like That, 1994)
Alec, an inveterate animal lover with a wry sense of humour, was visiting my mother. They talked of a mutual acquaintance, an elderly pensioner, who was shortly to go into a home for senior citizens and could no longer keep his two dogs. The pensioner had asked Alec if he and his wife would take the dogs, both males, and give them a good home. Alec and Anne had agreed. My mother, knowing that they already had several female dogs in their home, exclaimed, "My gosh, you're going to have to watch that!" "Actually," Alec replied, "we prefer TV." --C. Phillips (from Life's Like That, 1994)
Granddad and his friend had just hauled in a load of firewood for the evening campfire. Each of them had an axe, but there was only one chopping block, and they began to argue over who should split the wood. Grandmother, watching their antics, sighed in exasperation. "Will you two get your axe together?" --Cynthia Brindley (from Life's Like That, 1995)
We had just installed the last of four 40-foot poles, the basic supports for our new post-and-beam farmhouse. A farmer stopped by, stuck his hands in his pockets, gazed upward and drawled, "When's the hangin'?" --Cristi Reilly (from Life's Like That, 1995)
Our four-year-old son came home one day with a sudden interest in goldfish. After the usual lecture on caring for them, I gave in. The next time we were in the city, I took him to a pet store and he picked out three fish. While I was paying for the fish, a bowl and some other necessities, I asked the salesman how long a small can of fish food would last. He looked past me at my son, who was happily shaking the fish in a plastic bag. "Probably longer than the fish," he replied. 156
--Cliff Warren (from Life's Like That, 1994)
Our neighbour had agreed to make table decorations for her dance club's annual banquet. At the buildingsupplies store, she bought the Styrofoam she needed and had it put in the car. The fragile sheets were so long they extended about a metre beyond the trunk. She drove home very slowly and entered her garage with utmost care. Relieved she'd made it without incident, she turned the ignition off and pushed the remote to close the garage. As she got out of the car, she watched the door descend--and crush her Styrofoam sheets. --Clarence Dyck (from Life's Like That, 1994)
I travelled with my parents to my aunt's funeral in a town a short distance away. Halfway there, Dad was pulled over for speeding. Mom quickly told Dad to tell the officer that we were on the way to his sister's funeral, but Dad refused to use that as an excuse. The officer took Dad's licence and car registration, and when he returned to the car and handed Dad the ticket, he said, "And my condolences, Mr. Caruso, on the death of your sister." Dad looked at him in amazement and asked how he knew of her death. "Well, sir," the officer explained, "we've already stopped two of your brothers and three of your nephews." --Christine Schofield (from Life's Like That, 1995)
After much cajoling, my friend was finally persuaded to try "power walking" with her teenage daughter, Samantha. But she found herself falling farther and farther behind as they progressed through town. Finally, in desperation, she complained to Samantha, "When you were little, I never left you behind!" --Cherie Kruger (from Life's Like That, 1994)
As a young bride-to-be, I was first introduced to my fiance's grandfather at a dinner party. Grandfather was a veteran of World War I, and his favourite party piece was to describe in detail how to fieldstrip a Lewis machine gun, a weapon upon which his life had depended nearly 70 years before. Having heard about this procedure many, many times, his family was rather inclined to ignore him when he spoke of it. Delighted to have an audience now, Grandfather carefully outlined the procedure to me before dinner. During the meal he repeated it. Anxious to make a good impression, I listened politely and nodded attentively. After dinner, as I seated myself on the sofa, Grandfather settled himself beside me and started his description for the third time. Taking pity on me, my future father-in-law spoke up: "Now, Dad. That's enough!" "But, Jack," protested Grandfather in astonishment, "she's listening!" --Catherine Cottingham (from Life's Like That, 1995)
As we were enjoying a leisurely breakfast, I heard the electronic beep of a digital wristwatch alarm. When I asked my husband what the alarm was for, he answered: "Oh, that's my wristwatch. It goes off every morning at 9:30." "Why do you need an alarm every morning at 9:30?" I asked. 157
"Well, I don't," he confessed. "But I accidentally set the alarm, and now I can't turn it off." Knowing that he usually has our son, Mike, figure out electronic gadgets like digital watches and VCRs, I asked, "So why don't you get Mike to shut it off for you?" "Because the liquid-crystal display is broken and it's impossible to see any numbers. You can't set or turn off the alarm if you can't see the numbers." "Well, if you can't see the numbers, why don't you just throw it out?" "Oh, no, I can't do that!" he explained. "It still keeps perfect time." --Carol Steiner (from Life's Like That, 1994)
My grandmother often borrowed bits and pieces of clothing from other household members' closets, including my sister's. One morning my sister wore her new vest to school and was amazed later to see Dad walking towards her when she had a break between classes. With a grin he explained, "You've got granny's teeth in your pocket." --Brian Keddie (from Life's Like That, 1995)
An unhappy child was crying loudly during the church service. When the senior usher motioned for me to speak to the child's mother, I walked up the aisle and whispered to her, "Could you please take your baby to the nursery?" She gave me an odd look, and I repeated my request. Without a word she picked up her belongings and left with her baby. I returned to the back of the sanctuary. Almost immediately the crying resumed from the pews in front of me. I had asked the wrong mother to leave. --Brian Clarke (from Life's Like That, 1995)
My wife and I are avid readers and regularly visit our local library to select a dozen books at a time. Over the years it has become increasingly difficult and time-consuming to select good books that we haven't previously read. One evening after more than an hour's search, I finally found the last of my limit of books and went over to the corner chair where I had been piling them. To my dismay I saw they were gone! I asked the young lady who worked in the library if she knew what had happened to them. "Oh, yes," she replied, "someone left them on the chair by mistake so I put them all back." --Bill Maynard (from Life's Like That, 1994)
After moving into our first house, my wife and I decided to put a new window in the kitchen for more light. A do-it-yourselfer, I took on the project myself. The first task was to cut a hole in the exterior wall. I was pounding out the last few pieces with a sledgehammer when I felt someone watching me. I turned. "What did you do?" asked my neighbour. "Forget your key?" --Bill Bogers (from Life's Like That, 1995) 158
Of necessity I became an audio technician and frequently ran the sound system for my husband, Ed, the church's music minister. One Sunday morning when Ed picked up the microphone, I realized, when no sound emerged from his moving lips, that I hadn't turned it on. Ed, in the meantime, looked in my direction and said, "Honey, would you please turn me on?" The entire congregation heard him because by then the microphone was on. --Barbara Trainer (from Life's Like That, 1995) While taking a college course in creative writing, I decided to use my sister's humorous antics as the subject for a short story. I sent Diane a copy, but it was some time before I heard her opinion of it. At the next family gathering, I finally asked her what she had thought of my collection of anecdotes. "Well, Barb, I'm sure your story's good," she began, "but if it's ever published, I could sue you for definition of character!" --Barbara Sherrah (from Life's Like That, 1994)
In the cemetery where my grandparents are buried, my husband and I were looking at some of the older graves. The burial grounds and the graceful old church beside them are located on a hill overlooking a river. As we were leaving, I glanced at a fairly new stone. The epitaph read I EXPECTED THIS. --Barbara Schurman (from Life's Like That, 1994)
My husband and I were having a misunderstanding. He started a sentence, and I, anticipating him as is my habit, interrupted. "There you go again," he broke in, "listening faster than I'm talking." --Barbara Gerritse (from Life's Like That, 1994)
My daughter and I were discussing the merits of a sensible diet and trading recipe ideas. "Have I got a book for you," Kerri said, and handed me her well-used vegetarian cookbook. As I thumbed through it, I came across incriminating evidence--her bookmark was a chocolate-bar wrapper. --Audrey Wallis (from Life's Like That, 1995)
We had invited our friends Bill and Ellen to our home to watch a video, and Bill's 96-year-old mother accompanied them. During the show we noticed Bill nodding off. As his head dropped lower, it startled him awake. He jumped up and told his wife it was time to leave as his mother must be getting tired. Grandma tapped his hand and pointed out to him who was really tired. She then looked at me. "Dear," she said, "the next time you invite me, I'll be sure to leave the children at home." --Audrey Richardson Chartrand (from Life's Like That, 1994)
I had filled out the wrong form for my daughter Lisa's passport the week before, so returned to the passport office to give them her corrected application. I also picked up my own new passport. The next week I 159
returned to get Lisa's passport. When I was asked for identification, I proudly waved my passport. "We'd prefer your driver's licence," I was told. --Arthur S. Nuttall (from Life's Like That, 1994)
I had not been on downhill skis for 20 years, and the moulded ski boots I had rented were a new experience for me. While struggling to close them, I inadvertently snapped one of the buckles. I returned to the rental chalet and explained my problem to the attendant. He cheerfully exchanged my boots and offered these sage words of advice: "Perhaps this time, sir, you'll find the buckles easier to close if you put the boots on the right feet." --Arthur E. Kelly (from Life's Like That, 1995)
For their 55th wedding anniversary, we were taking my parents out for dinner. The occasion seemed the appropriate time to have champagne served in flutes. I had phoned the restaurant and ordered the champagne--but they didn't use flutes. "No problem, I'll bring the flutes myself," I had replied. After my parents had left for the restaurant, we went to their house to pick up the flutes we had given Dad for a previous birthday. I had a little trouble finding them; they weren't where I had expected them to be. At the restaurant I handed them to the waiter with instructions to use them to serve my parents their champagne. The evening was a success. Later at their home, I was discussing the evening with my mother and mentioned the difficulty I'd had finding the flutes. "Flutes," she replied, "you brought the bud vases!" --Ann M. Anderson (from Life's Like That, 1994)
My husband's grandfather built a small cottage in the Ottawa Valley when the area was remote and barely populated. Bamps always liked to do for himself rather than rely on assistance from others. One summer, as the popularity of the nearby beach increased drastically, 80-year-old Bamps became annoyed with the traffic speeding along the dirt road in front of the cottage. The family walked outside early one morning to find him applying his own solution to the problem: Bamps was digging potholes in the road. --Andrea Doty (from Life's Like That, 1995)
Just after Christmas I received a rather general thank-you note from my sister for the present I had sent her. However, her next letter in mid-March explained that upon receiving my gift, a well-taped box of chocolates, she had immediately put it in the freezer because she had already gained about six pounds that Christmas and wanted to avoid temptation. One day in March, having lost the excess weight and craving a chocolate, she went to the freezer, mouth watering in anticipation, opened the box, and discovered a frozen black sequined evening purse. --Wendy Nixon (from Life's Like That, 1994)
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I was out with my sister, Holly, and my two children, Justin and Robyn. I was particularly frazzled that day and had my mind on a million different things. After paying for our purchases at one store, I suddenly panicked. Only Justin was standing by me. Terrified, I asked Holly, "Where's Robyn?" Calmly Holly answered, "You're holding her." > --Jennifer Stefanchuk (from Life's Like That, 1996)
My sister, Debra, and I live in the same town in British Columbia's Fraser Valley. When our parents came out from the prairies for a visit, Debra and I decided we'd take Mom into Vancouver for the day. As we were preparing to leave, Dad told Mom: "Have a good time. And don't spend any money." Immediately she replied, "Make up your mind." --Wendy Dewar-Hughes (from Life's Like That, 1995)
My soft-boiled egg was rock hard, and so I asked my wife how long she had set the timer for. "Two minutes," she replied. "Two minutes?" I asked incredulously, poking again at the solid mass. "Yes, two minutes," she said. Then, after a pause, she added, "I don't know how long it had been boiling before I set the timer." --Tom Williams (from Life's Like That, 1995)
My mother gets along very well with my husband. So much so that she often refers to us as "my kids." Very seldom does she use the term son-in-law, and more often than not she takes his side when we have a disagreement. Sometimes I feign insult and suggest that he has taken my place in her heart. But I realized that might not be so farfetched the day she introduced us to a few friends as "my son-in-law and his wife." --Tanya Dinicolantonio (from Life's Like That, 1995)
While shopping in a mall one busy Saturday, I took some time to admire an exhibit of antiques and stopped in front of a display case filled with knickknacks. An elderly couple beside me were also admiring the items and commented on those that brought back memories. Thinking of my own memories, I spotted some milk tokens and said: "I didn't think those were antique. We had milk tokens when I was a kid." The grandmotherly lady beside me replied, "When I was a kid, we had a cow." --Susan J. Loewen (from Life's Like That, 1995)
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When my mother visited me in Ottawa, I made her tea for breakfast and coffee for myself. "I wish you wouldn't do that," she said. "I much prefer having coffee." "But, mother," I protested, "you always drank tea at breakfast at home." "True," she agreed. "You see, before I got married, I used to have coffee at breakfast. But I found that your father liked tea, and I thought it was silly to make both." I suggested that if, after 35 years of marriage, she preferred coffee, then that's what she should have. Back home in Toronto, mother started making coffee for herself but tea for my father. After a week or so, father looked up from his breakfast. "How is it," he asked plaintively, "that you can have coffee in the morning, and I have to have tea?" --Sonja Sinclair (from Life's Like That, 1995)
After a hectic and exciting Christmas day, my three-year-old niece, Kellee, resisted all attempts by her parents to get her to go to bed. Finally my father-in-law, a Presbyterian minister, suggested that he could get his granddaughter to go to sleep. Very soon he reappeared to announce that Kellee was now fast asleep. "How did you do it?" we all asked in amazement. "I began reciting one of my sermons to her," he replied with a sheepish grin. --Shannon Milne (from Life's Like That, 1995)
One Sunday morning on my way to church, with my baby and my three-year-old in the car, I pulled over to the shoulder of the road with a flat tire. I had no idea of how to change it, but fortunately a gentleman pulled up and offered his assistance. When he completed the task, I gave him a rag to wipe his hands, and, noting he was wearing a suit, I said, "I hope I haven't made you late for church." "Don't worry," he replied. "They won't start without me. I'm the minister." --Peggy Breimer-Naugle (from Life's Like That, 1995)
I was appearing for the first time onstage in a community theatre. One night after the show, I called a cab to take me home. Slumped in the backseat, I perked up considerably when the driver said, "You're an actress, aren't you?" "Why, yes," I said proudly. "How did you know?" "You have orange ears," he replied. --Patricia Vineberg (from Life's Like That, 1995)
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Living out in the country, we can pick up only two television channels. When our set broke down, it was almost too much for our three teenagers to bear. My sympathetic mother, who lives nearby, offered us the use of her portable set. Our daughter squealed in delight when she heard this, and I was curious at her exuberance. "Gee, Mom," she said, "don't you know that Grandma's TV has cable?" --Patricia Dickie (from Life's Like That, 1995) Once in a while, my husband tries his hand at cooking some of the recipes he finds in magazines and newspapers. One day he proudly placed a bowl of chicken soup in front of me. I spotted something in the bowl I couldn't quite identify and asked him what it was. "A pickle," he replied. The recipe had called for dill. --Marla Lindo (from Life's Like That, 1995)
My friend Nancelyn and I travelled from Winnipeg to Regina for a seminar. As we filed into the auditorium and sat down, I noticed that the woman sitting directly in front of us was wearing a dress identical to Nancelyn's. After the lecture I turned to my friend. "Isn't it amazing that here we are in a different city, and someone with the same dress as yours ends up sitting right in front of you!" "You don't know the half of it," she replied. "I bought this material in Toronto 15 years ago and made the dress myself." --Lori Pollock (from Life's Like That, 1995)
My husband was constantly working on our defective washing machine, and his language was often colourful. One day our daughter returned home from a movie, and we asked if she had learned anything from it. "Only a lot of four-letter words," she told us, "that until now I always thought were parts of our washing machine." --Lillian Weaver (from Life's Like That, 1995)
We were trying to decide where to go for a ski holiday, and the travel agent was showing my parents and me brochures of various condos and hotels. She explained that all the units with stoves, fridges and dishwashers were marked with SC, which stood for "self-contained" units. "Nonsense," my mother corrected. "It really means 'she cooks.'" --Kevin Buchan (from Life's Like That, 1995)
For the first time that winter, I decided to go downhill skiing one bright day. I grabbed my skis, poles and boots from the shed, and drove to a nearby hill. I sat down to put on my boots and noticed two men watching me intently. One of them suddenly blurted out, "I want to watch you go down the slopes on those!" I looked down, and to my chagrin I realized I was donning my roller blades. --Kathy Everson (from Life's Like That, 1996) 163
Five of my in-laws were travelling from Trenton, N.S., to the village of Lochaber, and they were lost. Finally my father-in-law said: "I know where it is. You'll come to a fork in the road up ahead. Turn left." They turned left and ended up in the town of Antigonish. Retracing their journey, they again reached the fork. "It must be that we should have turned right," said my father-in-law. "I remember there was a red barn. When we reach it, we're near the church." They turned, but there was no red barn. "Dad," said his son, "when were you last through here?" "Let me see. I helped my father take a team of horses through here in 1926." --June A. Malloy (from Life's Like That, 1995)
The doors on my aging Pontiac had frozen shut. When repeated hip and body checks wouldn't budge them, I hit on the idea of stringing extension cords together and using my hair dryer to warm the doorjamb. While I was trying this method, a young woman came around the corner, two toddlers in tow on a toboggan. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her stop to watch, and I looked up. "Don't mind me," she called out. "I'm impressed. Since the twins were born, I can't even find time to blow-dry my hair!" --Judy Millar (from Life's Like That, 1995)
My brother, Jean-Marc, and his family had just moved back to the moist air of New Brunswick from dry inland Alberta. While their new home was being built, they stayed in our parents' furnished basem*nt. JeanMarc was surprised that he had to fill Mom and Dad's humidifier four times one day. And just before he was about to mention it at supper that evening, Dad said to Mom: "You know, dear, that new dehumidifier we bought really works. I emptied the container four times today." --Joanne Duguay (from Life's Like That, 1995)
I had just returned from a four-day get-away trip, having left my husband to care for our children aged five, three and one. He had assured me he was looking forward to spending plenty of uninterrupted time with them. But I had to wonder about this when I chanced to overhear my five-year-old telling her friends a spooky story. In an ominous voice, she began: "It was a dark and stormy night. There were monsters everywhere! The children were all alone. All the parents were watching golf...." --Jennifer Barbeau (from Life's Like That, 1995)
While my husband gave information at the hospital's admitting desk, a male nurse was making me comfortable. After I was settled, he asked me my husband's name so he could call him in. "Dean Martin," I replied. The nurse looked at me as if ready to make a remark, but then hesitated. "I know," I said, "most people make a comment of some sort." 164
"No, it's not that," he explained. "My name's James Bond." --Jane Martin (from Life's Like That, 1996)
One hot morning while I was visiting my sister, Susan, in Brockville, Ont., we decided to go for a short walk with our five children. Before we knew it, we were about three kilometres from home, down on the waterfront. We were all thirsty, but none of us had brought any money. As we lifted the children to the water fountain, Susan wished aloud she could spot someone she knew so we could borrow some. A lady standing nearby came over and said: "I just moved here and I know I don't know you, but it's a small town and I'm sure we'll know each other soon. Here's $5. Buy the kids some drinks." --Hope Roots (from Life's Like That, 1995)
A few days after she returned to university, my daughter, Jill, called home. She had left several articles behind, which she wanted me to send on to her. There was no problem until she reached the last item, a Tupperware container. Because I had dozens of my own, Jill tried to describe this particular one. But she was giving me the dimensions in metric, and although I was trying to convert them to imperial, it soon became apparent we couldn't understand each other. Then Jill had a brainstorm. "Mom, three muffins wide, four long and two high." --Helen Hewlett (from Life's Like That, 1995)
A lady at a school fund-raising auction bid successfully on an antique tea set. "My sister-in-law loves this stuff," she said to me. But when she gave it to her as a gift, her sister-in-law said, "Thank you, but I just donated this to the auction!" --Gwen Jones (from Life's Like That, 1995)
After six weeks, during which my husband was away, I had managed to lose several pounds by following a strict diet, and the morning Wilf returned, I had my hair styled and highlighted. I anticipated his pleasure at my new appearance. After the excitement of his homecoming, our children ran off to play, and I waited, in vain, for his reaction. Finally I exploded. "You never notice anything about me! I thought you'd at least say something about my hair!" He looked at me with a mischievous grin and pointed to his upper lip--bare of the mustache he had worn for years. --Ellen M. Boyce (from Life's Like That, 1995)
My son Gord's landlord left his garage unlocked and told Gord that he could borrow his lawn mower anytime. The arrangement worked well, and the lawn was kept trimmed. One day Gord discovered a shiny new model had replaced the older one. After he had used it a few times, Gord met his landlord on the street and told him the new mower was a pleasure to use. His landlord looked puzzled and then sheepish. "Did I forget to tell you I moved?" he asked. 165
--Edith M. Thoreson (from Life's Like That, 1995)
I put a roast in the oven one noon hour and set the timer, a feature I hadn't used yet. Before leaving work that afternoon, I phoned my 15-year-old son to ask him to check the roast and peel some potatoes. Minutes later he called back. "Dad, the roast isn't cooked. The oven didn't come on." The roast was on the menu again the following day, but this time, since I stopped by the house after a business lunch, I decided to turn the oven on myself. Again before leaving work, I called my son to check the roast and get the potatoes started. Again he called me back. "The roast still isn't cooked." "Listen," I said. "I know the oven's on. I turned it on before I left. I didn't use the timer." "Oh, the stove's working fine," he told me. "It's just that the roast is in the fridge." --Douglas Millroy (from Life's Like That, 1995)
My mother came home from the mall looking completely exhausted. Alarmed, I asked what had happened. Falling into a chair, she explained that after she had stepped on a down escalator, she changed her mind and tried to go back up. "I thought I was going to die!" she exclaimed. "And my heavy purse was slowing me down, so finally I threw it up ahead of me. Even so, it still took everything I had in me to make it back up!" "Mom," I said, "why didn't you just go all the way down and then take the up escalator?" She stared at me as though I were crazy. "And leave my purse?" --Darren McLeod (from Life's Like That, 1995)
With five of her eight children still living at home, my mom is constantly doing laundry. Much to her dismay, her 21-year-old dryer finally gave up the ghost. She bought a new one at the local appliance store, and with the service that comes in small towns, it was delivered the same afternoon. Allan, the owner of the store, even hauled the old dryer away. The next morning Allan called Mom. He asked if she wanted the load of wet clothes she had left in the old dryer. --Colleen Mahoney (from Life's Like That, 1995)
A young man was sitting next to me in one of the two "husband chairs" in the ladies' clothing store. After 15 minutes and five outfits, the fellow's wife came out of the change room again. He looked at her and immediately said: "That looks good on you. Get that one." "Honey," she replied, "it's what I was wearing when we came in." --Clark M. Clark (from Life's Like That, 1995)
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To create a wreath to send to my mother for Christmas, I took tremendous care choosing, drying and arranging rosebuds, hydrangea and baby's breath. I carefully wrapped the parcel and hoped it would arrive intact in England. On my next trip overseas, I saw my gift hanging on the wall of mother's home, but it was now adorned with plastic daisies! I asked about the destruction of my work of art. "Oh, by the time it arrived all the way from Canada," my mother explained, "the flowers in it were all dead." --Claire Delaney (from Life's Like That, 1995) To celebrate my birthday, my family and I went to a Chinese restaurant. We were served by a friendly young lady. At the end of the meal, the bill arrived along with four fortune cookies. The one I chose had no fortune inside. I pointed out to our waitress that as it was my birthday, it was important I should have a fortune. "No fortune in fortune cookie?" she asked, puzzled. Then, inspired, she said, "But no news is good news!" --Chris Harker (from Life's Like That, 1995)
Because the oven was overshooting the set temperature, I shaved a few minutes off the cooking time for my muffins, set the timer and asked my husband to keep an eye on them while he did the dishes and I dusted. Not long after, I smelled something burning and dashed into the kitchen. "Are those my muffins burning?" I asked Paul. "Yes," he said as he calmly wiped a dinner plate. "Then why are they still in the oven?" I cried. "Because," he replied, "the timer hasn't gone off yet." --Cheryl Anderson (from Life's Like That, 1996)
Jamey, my 14-year-old son, called me at work at noon. "I forgot to tell you that my drum corps has a dinner tonight at six and I need to wear a suit." Because he is six foot four and 230 pounds, and had no suit of his own, I wasn't sure I'd be able to solve this problem. But I knew how much it meant to him, so I started making phone calls. After a couple of hours of juggling business and calling friends, with no luck, I was about to call Jamey with the bad news. Just then someone I hadn't thought of dropped in. When I told him about my problem, he offered not just a suit but also a shirt and size 13 dress shoes. I was elated, and Jamey was ecstatic. Everything was delivered by three, and I was sitting back feeling great when the phone rang. Jamey asked, "What does 'potluck' mean?" --Brenda Schmeisser (from Life's Like That, 1995)
At the 1995 Canadian Masters Swimming Championships in Victoria, I was chatting with a fellow competitor. He was 82 and attributed his good health to swimming. We discussed the value of keeping active at our stage in life, and he stated proudly: "I'm still teaching. I'm never going to retire." After a moment's pause, he added, "Well, maybe when I'm 100." "What'll you do then?"I asked. "Start a new career?" "I haven't decided," he replied. "I just try to take it one century at a time." 167
--Bob McRory (from Life's Like That, 1996)
A cast on my left leg quickly forced me to pay new respect to old skills, such as walking, navigating stairs and bathing. One day I propped my crutches against the towel bar and plotted the manoeuvres needed to get most of me into the tub, whole and unmaimed, while keeping the cast dry. Eventually I had every move planned. The launch strategy was perfect, and I finally luxuriated in the warm water, the cast elevated high and dry on a stool. As I was congratulating myself, I noticed my right foot underwater complete with sock and running shoe. --Beverly Morris (from Life's Like That, 1996)
As we hadn't seen my parents for a couple of months, my husband, Chris, and I decided to visit them over a long weekend. Saturday evening, after a busy day shopping and seeing people, my mother and I still had a lot of catching up to do. We took our tea and moved into the living room so the men could watch the hockey game. An hour later there was a lull in our conversation. At that moment Chris muted the volume on the TV during a commercial. In the ensuing silence, I called out, "If you two are alive in there, talk to each other." "We are," came his indignant reply. "This is how men talk!" --Barbara Jameson (from Life's Like That, 1995)
The final step before my mother earned her private pilot's licence was her first solo cross-country flight in a Cessna 150. Just before leaving for the airport, she received a call from my grandmother. "Now you be careful," Grandma admonished. "And for heaven's sake, make sure you fly low and slow." --April Weavell (from Life's Like That, 1995)
One day at the town post office, my sister-in-law asked if her mail could be delivered to a new mailbox near her home. She was advised they'd let her know. Some time later, on a return visit to the post office to pick up her mail, Eunice was asked how she liked her new box. She explained that she didn't know her request had been approved. "But we sent you a notice," was the clerk's reply. It had been sent to her new mailbox. --Annie Bartley (from Life's Like That, 1995)
My mother and I sat at the kitchen table eating peanuts one after another. Finally I said: "Mom, you'd better stop eating these. They're fattening." My mother thought about this for a moment, then smiled. "I don't have to worry," she said. "None of my clothes fit anyway." --Anita Manna (from Life's Like That, 1995)
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My wife's friend had just told us of her trip to the beauty salon. The employees there, it seems, were the first to know of the recent engagement of two couples in our small community, as well as of their future plans. Word spread like wildfire from the salon. Amazed, my wife sat back and observed, "I guess the Internet still isn't quite as fast as the hairnet." --Tim Church (from Life's Like That, 1996)
I was driving my parents' car, I was late and Dad was strict with curfew time. I sped up. When I turned onto our block, I noticed a car following me. As I signalled my turn into our driveway, I was distressed to see a police car's revolving lights come on. As luck would have it, just as the policeman was walking towards me, my parents arrived home too. When the officer reached me, my head was on the steering wheel in dismay. Sizing up the situation accurately, the officer asked if that was my parents who had just arrived. I nodded. "Have a nice evening," he said pleasantly, and walked away. --Sandy Stanisz (from Life's Like That, 1996)
The apartment we rented was unfurnished, except for a beautifully decorated cookie jar we found on a shelf in the kitchen. My in-laws came to visit us shortly after we moved in, and we naturally used the jar when we served refreshments. When Dad asked about it, I told him the story. "When I was a boy," he said, "we usually kept those jars under the bed." --Richard Wall (from Life's Like That, 1996)
While I was visiting my daughter, my grandson asked her if he could have the car for the evening. "Yes," she said, "but I want it home before midnight." "But, Mom, I'm 18," he protested. "I know," she replied. "But my car isn't." --J. M. Boddy (from Life's Like That, 1996)
My parents were flying to Canada from England to visit us. It seemed the majority of passengers on the flight were grandparents on similar missions, many flying for the first time. My folks had seats by the window and noticed an elderly lady across the aisle periodically turn and glare at them. Two hours into the trip, at an altitude of 30,000 feet, the lady seemed unable to control herself any longer. She leaned across the aisle and snapped at my parents: "I can feel a draft. Have you got your window open?" --Derek Deakin (from Life's Like That, 1996)
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My daughter, Nikki, played the violin, and my son, Chris, the cello. One day I overheard Chris complaining that the family cat always left the room when he started tuning up. "That's nothing," said Nikki. "He leaves the room when I take out my bow." --C. Barratt (from Life's Like That, 1996)
On Saturdays my husband, accompanied by our two dogs, usually takes our garbage to the landfill site. On one occasion when the chore fell to me, I dutifully loaded the car up with the garbage and both dogs, and drove off. At the landfill entrance, I stopped and was asked by the attendant if I lived in the township. Although I replied that I did, his brow furrowed in uncertainty but then he spotted the dogs. "Oh, sure. Hi, guys," he said as he waved me in. --Christine Kraemer (from Life's Like That, 1996)
I had a tendency to fuss about the chores that needed doing around the house and usually made a list of things for my husband to do on his day off. Once when I arrived home, I asked him what he had accomplished that day. He told me what still had to be done and, to ward off further discussion, added: "Don't worry, dear. Things will get done, a little bitch at a time." --Candace Pyette (from Life's Like That, 1996)
I don't always wear my clerical collar as an Anglican priest, but on this particular day I did. In the afternoon I realized that I had to take my young son to an optometrist's appointment and went over to his school. Richard had been playing soccer and was covered in dirt, but since there was no time to change, we went directly to the optometrist's office. I was a tad uncomfortable about Richard's appearance as we walked hand in hand, and my discomfort must have been obvious, for the optometrist greeted us with, "Don't worry, Father, it's just another case of uncleanliness next to godliness." --Archdeacon Kenneth Anderson (from Life's Like That, 1996)
It was the first time I had attended a shower for both the bride- and groom-to-be. Jen and Kyle took turns opening the practical gifts: towels, cookware, and the like. Unfortunately one guest hadn't been told it was to be a joint shower, so when Kyle opened a box containing lingerie meant for Jen, the embarrassed woman exclaimed, "I didn't know Kyle was going to be here!" But Kyle jumped up, ran over to the lady and enveloped her in an enthusiastic hug. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" he exclaimed. "This is exactly what we needed!" --Allison Dempsey (from Life's Like That, 1996)
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On a family vacation, we visited a chocolate factory in Smiths Falls, Ont. Amazed to see the candy flowing down the assembly line, I reached to my right and put my arm around my wife. "Do you remember the 'I Love Lucy' show," I asked nostalgically, "when Ethel and Lucy got jobs in a candy factory?" From my left, my wife said, "Say yes and maybe he'll let you go." I was hugging the wrong woman. --W. Bogers (from Life's Like That, 1996) Keeping our old farmhouse clean is a constant challenge. Muddy boots, socks embedded with straw, dirt blowing through the windows, grandchildren, cats and dogs, even the occasional newborn calf warming up on the porch all contribute to my daily ritual of sweeping, shaking, vacuuming and washing. I thought I was pretty neat and tidy until at work one day a colleague with no kids and no pets complained about how dirty her house gets. "How bad can it be?" I asked. "There are just the two of you living in a new bungalow in the city." "Well," she complained, "have you ever noticed how much dust flies into the air when you pull a Kleenex out of the box?" --Wanda Johnson (from Life's Like That, 1996)
At 1:00 a.m., loading the last of the fishing gear, Dad realized he had forgotten his car keys on the kitchen table. We didn't want to wake Mom up, so I hoisted myself through an unlocked kitchen window and retrieved the keys. Trout in hand, we later returned home still laughing about our "cat burglar" escapade. "I'm glad you two had such a wonderful time," Mom greeted us, "but next time, I wish you'd remember to lock the front door before leaving." --Vesma Baltgailis (from Life's Like That, 1996)
A friend was telling us how romantic her daughter-in-law said her new husband was. "He draws her bath, adds bath salts and surrounds the tub with lighted, scented candles." "They must be newlyweds," one woman commented. "You're right," I added. "After 26 years of marriage, I'm touched if my husband remembers not to flush the toilet when I'm in the shower." --S. D. Milholland (from Life's Like That, 1996)
Although Dad had retired in the fall, he soon went back to work part time. It wasn't long before his hours increased to full time. So in the spring, he retired again. This time he stayed home. He planted flower and vegetable gardens. He trimmed hedges and trees. He weeded, re-seeded, mowed and manicured the lawn. One day a neighbour walked past and complimented him on his neat yard and bright blooms. "Thanks," Dad replied. "But if I'd known it was this much work, I'd never have retired." 171
--Sue Tall (from Life's Like That, 1996)
When I arrived home, I discovered my roommate, Marilyn, quite shaken. She had stapled an electric cord under the cabinet, with the cord plugged in, and had received quite a shock. I told her that her story was about as dangerous a stunt as any I had heard, except for that day's report on the radio about a woman who had put a bag of garbage on her stove so the cat wouldn't get at it, and the bag had caught fire. Marilyn was silent but had a strange look on her face. "That was my sister," she said. --Sue Schottner (from Life's Like That, 1996)
Our daughter was to be delivered at noon by caesarean section. When the surgeon asked what name we had chosen, my wife replied "Haley Catherine" at the same time I replied "Leanne Catherine." "You know," the doctor teased, "it's our belief that a child's name should be chosen before birth in these planned methods of delivery, so, until you both agree, I can't proceed." After a moment's thought, I suggested: "Okay, how about this? Haley Anne Catherine." "Yes, I like that," my wife agreed. "Good," I laughed. "When I want her to clean up her room, I'll call, 'Hay-Le-Anne!'" --Stephen M. Gallant (from Life's Like That, 1996)
When she arrived home, my friend discovered that her car had been stolen, even though it had been in a closed garage. Her neighbour soon arrived to tell Michele that she had been looking out her window and had seen the car being taken. Excitedly Michele asked, "Did you get a good look at the thief?" "No," her neighbour answered. "But I did get the licence number." --Shirley Thompson (from Life's Like That, 1996)
After a few hours of shopping, my daughter and I arrived at my home. As I put the kettle on for tea, Robin picked up the phone and dialed. When the answering machine came on at the other end, she yelled: "Suki! No, Suki! I said NO!" I stared at her in amazement as she hung up. Noticing my look, she explained: "That darned dog gets into the garbage or attacks the couch if I leave her alone for a few hours. If I phone her, she doesn't do it." --Sharon Lowe (from Life's Like That, 1996)
The volunteer fire department of Truemanville, N.S., hosted a fund-raising yard sale, and the whole community had enthusiastically donated a variety of treasures. It wasn't until the firemen were cleaning up the next day, though, that they realized that in his zeal, someone had sold their mascot, a cement dalmatian. 172
--Shannon Atkinson (from Life's Like That, 1996)
A neighbour who had gone "on line" with the Internet asked my mother if she had found her way to the information highway yet. Mom, who was just learning this new technology, replied, "I'm still looking for the on-ramp, dear." --Scott Dinel (from Life's Like That, 1996)
The phone rang late one evening, and my wife, Donna, went into the kitchen to answer it. I soon heard her laughing. When she returned, Donna told me the call had been from her mother, who was at a hockey game. She had won a free five-minute phone call to anywhere in the world and couldn't think of anyone else to call but her daughter. The hockey arena was just down the street. --R. J. Roffey (from Life's Like That, 1996)
One day every month our local supermarket gives senior citizens a ten-percent discount on their purchases. On that day the line-ups can be long and slow. One day the line seemed slower than usual, and the man ahead of me was not very happy when he reached the checkout. When the cashier asked him if he was a senior citizen, the man replied, "Well, I wasn't when I got in line, but I am now." --R. H. Faulkner (from Life's Like That, 1996)
Since all the utilities and heating in our new home are electric, my husband, Frank, is always reminding us to turn lights and television off when we're not in the room. I had a difficult time breaking myself of the habit of turning the laundry-room light on first thing in the morning and leaving it on. One night as we were preparing for bed, Frank went to the laundry room and turned the light off. When he returned, he asked me to tell him when I needed a new washer and dryer so he could come with me to buy them. "Why?" I asked, puzzled by the unusual request. "I just want to make sure we buy a new set that isn't afraid of the dark." --R. Fabiano (from Life's Like That, 1996)
Although my pastor, Mark, well-known for mixing up names, had previously met the man he was talking to, he couldn't remember the man's name. Fortunately, the fellow said his name was Keith. Later, when relating this incident to his wife, Mark said he'd remember in future "because that's my middle name." "Mark," his wife said, "your middle name is Stanley!" --Robin Esau (from Life's Like That, 1996)
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We were on a family bike trip on Galiano Island in British Columbia. After a couple of hours of hilly cycling in a remote, forested area, my teenage son, Sacha, who had been ahead, came coasting back with a broken chain. None of the tools I had packed was of any use. Only after we had spent an hour trying to connect the links did Sacha casually mention that he'd seen a sign just around the bend. It read GALIANO BIKE REPAIR. --Robin Dass (from Life's Like That, 1996)
I was at the hospital's emergency room for a sports-related injury, and in answer to a question on the form I was given, I replied that I had a serious allergy. The nurse put a plastic band on my wrist, and I sat down in the crowded waiting room. The lady seated next to me glanced at my wrist, shock registering on her face, and then quickly moved away from me. Surprised, I looked at the band for the first time. It read "Nuts." --Robert Thomas (from Life's Like That, 1996)
Long a widower, my father-in-law was getting remarried. Before the service, the minister instructed him on the ritual, emphasizing the "Repeat after me" vows. The ceremony proceeded smoothly until after the ring exchange when the minister, who had started to read the wrong passage, corrected himself. We heard my father-in-law obediently repeat aloud, "Oh, my, I've gone wrong." --Robert Poirier (from Life's Like That, 1996)
"Freddie," read the advertisem*nt I had composed for our local newspaper, "a recently widowed lovebird, desperately seeks a new mate, preferably a gentle young lady who has been hand raised." I gave the text to the receptionist at the newspaper office and waited while she read it. Surprisingly she glanced up at me disdainfully. "Of course you want this placed in the 'Personals'?" "Heavens, no!" I hastened to assure her. "The 'Pet' section." Freddie's mate, a lovebird, had escaped from their cage a few months earlier, and he was lonely. --Raymond R. Fielding (from Life's Like That, 1996)
My sister and her family, who live in Martensville, Sask., often tease my husband and me about the frequency of our visits. We respond by telling them they're lucky that we continue to stay with them. After all, the shower head in "our" bathroom doesn't work very well and can't be adjusted. One of our visits coincided with our anniversary. When I walked into the bathroom, I found the shower stall decorated with ribbons and bows. Inside, taped to a brand-new, fully adjustable shower head, was a card. Inside it my sister had written: "Happy Anniversary. We got you a new energy-efficient shower head and decided to install it where you'd get the most use out of it--our house!" --Peggy Heincke (from Life's Like That, 1996)
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Tired after a long stretch of working nights, my husband, Wayne, was absentmindedly watching television. Suddenly I realized that our one-year-old grandson had closed one of the double doors on the TV cabinet, obscuring half the screen. I got up to reopen it. "Don't bother," Wayne yawned. "I'm going up to bed soon. I was only going to watch half of it anyway." --Peggy Dymond Leavey (from Life's Like That, 1996) We each had a special place we wanted to go to on a trip to Calgary from our rural Alberta home. My son, Tom, had called an 800 number to get directions to a particular store. But when we got to town, my husband found the building but couldn't find the store. Tom phoned the 800 number again, and the employee insisted we were in the right place. After a few minutes of confusion, Tom wondered aloud, "What city are we talking about?" "Ottawa," was the cheerful reply. --M. Clouthier (from Life's Like That, 1996)
It was 45 minutes past the time my husband, a farm-machinery dealer, and I had agreed to meet. Just as I began to wonder where he was, he came into view driving a four-wheel-drive tractor that was pulling a huge, cumbersome cultivator with sides extending about five metres into the air. He was late, he told me, because he'd had a flat tire and pulled off the road into a field. He had sat on the cultivator so I'd notice him. But I, he wryly noted, was the only person who drove by and did not wave to him. --Myra Zacharias (from Life's Like That, 1996)
Our puppy, Spencer, is not to have people food. However, we know that on the sly, my mother usually feeds him toast. One morning I heard my sister say, "Spencer, you have strawberry jam on your chin!" She immediately turned to Mom. "Did you give Spencer toast and strawberry jam this morning?" Mom adamantly denied the accusation, but as she walked up the stairs with Spencer, she whispered to him, "It was chokecherry jam, wasn't it?" --Miriam J. Arendt (from Life's Like That, 1996)
I had just got my driver's licence. We were going to go for a drive into the country, but first my husband, Herb, wanted to take a shower. To pass the time, I decided to go for a practice spin around the block. I got into the car, released the hand brake and backed down our sloping driveway into the street. There the car stopped, blocking traffic. When I couldn't get it to move, I jumped out in a panic and ran into the house for Herb. Pulling clothes over his dripping body, he dashed outside and moved the car. When he came in, I asked what the matter had been. "It would have been a good idea if you'd started it," he answered. --Mary M. Look (from Life's Like That, 1996)
One day my friend Denise called to ask if my husband, an auto mechanic, would take a look at her car. She had recently had an exhaust system installed and now complained of a terrible rattle coming from the rear of 175
the car. Vince took the car out for a drive around the block, pulled back into the driveway and got out. Then he opened the trunk and removed Denise's golf clubs. --Marilyn Bruzzese (from Life's Like That, 1996)
The time had come to clean out my closet and admit I'd never wear some of my outfits again the day my slender daughter tried on one of my skirts. She put her hands in the pockets and pulled out my wedding rings--which I had lost almost seven years earlier! --Marianne Foscarini (from Life's Like That, 1996)
Susan and Sandra, my identical twin sisters, decided to purchase winter coats. Each was determined to buy something different from the other, and they set off in opposite directions to shop. Several hours later Susan returned home, excited about her purchase. Shortly after, Sandra arrived, equally thrilled with her new coat. They were identical. --Margaret Hall (from Life's Like That, 1996)
Pets have always meant a great deal to me, and my husband, John, teases me because my photo albums are filled with pictures of animals. Our most recent set of prints were all pictures of my sister's pets. John was looking through them when he came across one of my mother. "What happened here?" he asked. "Did your mother step in front of the cat?" --Lori M. Parks (from Life's Like That, 1996)
A huge aspen tree with a small birdhouse hanging from it stands outside our cottage. Every year one of our chores is to clean the old nest out, but for some reason, one year Dad kept putting it off. During a thunderstorm one afternoon, we heard a loud crack. We all ran outside and discovered our beloved tree had split down the centre. Bark lay all over the yard, and the birdhouse had been blown through the air, the old nest dislodging and falling to the ground. As we silently surveyed the damage, Mom suddenly turned to Dad. "I told you to clean out that birdhouse!" she admonished. --Lindsay Hart (from Life's Like That, 1996)
When the man in the line ahead of me at the grocery store realized he was 50 cents short, I offered him some change. He gratefully accepted it. As the clerk checked my items through, I noticed that she charged me 59 cents for an item I had seen priced at only nine cents. I mentioned this to her, and she sent someone to check. Sure enough, the sign read 9 CENTS. The 5 in front of the 9 had apparently fallen off. Cheerfully the clerk refunded 50 cents to me, saying, "If you help others, you get rewarded too." --Lily L. Yap (from Life's Like That, 1996) 176
When I moved 4,600 kilometres to Victoria, everyone was a stranger to me. But then one day I walked into a local bank and thought the man in front of me had been a customer of mine at my retail store back in Toronto. I ventured hesitatingly, "Ron?" He turned around and said, "No, I'm his brother Laurie." "You must be twins!" I exclaimed. He laughed. "Actually, we have another brother, and we're triplets!" --Libby Darvill (from Life's Like That, 1996)
My friend Nancy's baby-sitter confronted her about the new kitten. "That cat of yours is going to destroy your furniture in no time!" she exclaimed. A smile grew on Nancy's face. "That's the plan," she said. --Kitty Cochrane (from Life's Like That, 1996)
I hadn't seen my family in Winnipeg for some time and, feeling especially nostalgic, I was looking forward to this visit. Most of all I wanted to see my grandparents, who were getting on in years. On my second day, my sister and I took my maternal grandma out for lunch. At one point Grandma suddenly turned to me and said: "I'm glad I got the chance to see you, dear. I'm not going to be around much longer, you know." "Oh, Grandma!" I protested, close to tears. "Of course you are!" I grasped her hand and held it tenderly. "No, I'm not," Grandma repeated excitedly. "I leave for Las Vegas in three days!" --Kim Mayes (from Life's Like That, 1996)
Without asking her permission, my co-worker borrowed her mother's jacket. When a button came off at work, Shannon was upset because now her mom would know she had taken it. So I gave her needle and thread, and she went into another room to sew the button on. When she didn't appear for some time. I went back to check and found her extremely frustrated because the button wouldn't stay on. I immediately saw the problem, took the needle from her and tied a knot in the thread. "Wow!" Shannon exclaimed. "What a neat trick!" --Kevin King (from Life's Like That, 1996)
While my mother was in the hospital, she was moved into the hall so the staff could clean her room. Still there after a few hours, she was frustrated and asked another patient who had been moved out for the same reason how long she'd been there. "Almost two years," the lady replied, thinking Mom had asked how long she'd been in the hospital. 177
"Well," said Mom, "I suppose I shouldn't complain." --Ken MacDougall (from Life's Like That, 1996)
Three weeks after my daughter was born, my husband was transferred. We drove the 200 kilometres in our new car to Innisfail, Alta., and when we arrived, our landlord was waiting for us. After we concluded our arrangements and I was back standing by the car holding my baby, the landlord said, "She looks pretty new." "Yes," I said, glancing at my sleeping daughter. "She's three weeks old." Then he continued, "What kind of gas mileage does she get?" --Kaye Garner (from Life's Like That, 1996)
Before their wedding my daughter, Nancy, and her fiancé, Doug, took a marriage-preparation course. During one lecture the instructor asked the participating couples to think of one characteristic about their partner that they particularly appreciated. Doug turned to Nancy and said, "Your mother's cooking." --Joanne Harris (from Life's Like That, 1996)
My husband's dream of being a gentleman farmer finally became a reality when we purchased a small farm and two cows. And I soon discovered I had a lot to learn about being a farmer's wife. One Sunday in church, a lady from the community introduced herself and asked me if I was the one with the little brown heifer in my yard. "Oh, no," I replied. "I drive a little red Honda." --Joan O'Neil (from Life's Like That, 1996)
My marriage brought with it four adult stepchildren (only one of whom I met before the wedding) and a cat. Soon after our honeymoon, my husband and I invited the children to our apartment for a get-to-know-you dinner. I was nervous and wanted to impress the kids with my ability to take care of their father and his cat. The apartment was neat and tidy, and I had cooked a lovely dinner. We greeted the kids with hugs, but they paid as much attention to the cat as to me. Wanting them to know my regard for the cat, I blurted out, "I've never lived with an animal before I married your father." --Jennifer Gauci (from Life's Like That, 1996)
After 20 years of setting our wharf into the lake and taking it out, my wife and I were most grateful when our sons came up to handle this chore for us. After it was in place, our neighbours asked if a visiting friend could tie his boat to it since they didn't have their dock out yet. Soon a fine runabout was nestled against it.
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That evening 12 of our neighbours' friends arrived for a cruise. No sooner had the well-dressed group congregated on our wharf than it slowly began to sink. Our sons had neglected to install a key brace. --Jack Wainwright (from Life's Like That, 1996) A soothing nightcap, my wife and I felt, would be in order after our hectic day travelling by bus to reach the luxury liner on which we were about to embark on a cruise. I sleepily phoned the steward and ordered milk, glasses and two brandies. About 15 minutes later, he knocked on our cabin door and presented us with our order: a carton of milk, two glasses and two Band-Aids. --H. C. Craven (from Life's Like That, 1996)
While visiting our daughter, Rachel, in Fort St. John, B.C., my husband and I browsed through a thrift shop. I bought a dress that looked like it was made for me--just the right size and colour. I knew it had never been worn because it still needed snaps. I was sure that Rachel, who loved sewing, could finish it for me. Back at her house, I went into the living room to model the dress for her and asked, "Would you put the snaps on for me, dear?" Seeing me, Rachel burst into laughter. "Mom," she said, "I made that dress! I didn't feel like finishing it, so I gave it away." --Hilda Harder (from Life's Like That, 1996)
The guests at my sister, Juanita, and brother-in-law's 45th-wedding-anniversary party were enjoying punch while waiting for a piece of Juanita's silver-anniversary fruitcake. She had carefully sealed and stored a layer of it in the freezer for 20 years. Suddenly there were peals of laughter from the kitchen where it was being sliced. The beautifully decorated, long-preserved layer of cake was made of Styrofoam. --Gwen Brown (from Life's Like That, 1996)
Although my cooking tends to be bland, soggy or over spiced, my husband never complains. One day I was lamenting the failure of my last meal when Pierre, eager to show encouragement, quickly said: "It was a great meal! It gave me a real sense of accomplishment to finish it." --Erika Cheng (from Life's Like That, 1996)
As I was leaving the dentist's office, the receptionist offered me some candy. Surprised, I told her I had just been chastised by the dentist for eating too many sweets. "Take one," said a voice from the waiting room. "It's good for business!" --Eric Lam (from Life's Like That, 1996)
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We had just moved to a small town in southern Alberta when I met a young lady at the bank and discovered she lived just a few houses down from us. One afternoon my family and I decided to invite her family over for dinner. My eight-year-old daughter was sent to their house with a written invitation. She came home and reported that they were very pleased to receive it. Not long after, the doorbell rang. I answered and was confronted with two strangers bearing a gift. They said our invitation was a great way to meet new neighbours. Our daughter had gone to the wrong house. We enjoyed a lovely evening. --Donna Allen (from Life's Like That, 1996)
Just before my wedding, which was taking place in my family's home, we were gathered in the kitchen. The justice of the peace asked us where we'd like to stand for the ceremony. Before I could reply, my mom suggested: "You may as well stay standing at the sink, Deb. You'll be there for the rest of your life anyway." --Debbie Thomas (from Life's Like That, 1996)
My aunt and uncle, both in their late 70s, stopped at a vegetable stand. My aunt was making her way back to their car when a woman stopped her. "Excuse me," she said. "My husband and I were sitting in our car and he told me you are the most beautiful woman he has seen in years. I just wanted to come over for a closer look." "Well, thank you," my aunt replied, delighted at the compliment. "Are you on your way to your car?" the lady asked. When my aunt said yes, the woman asked if she drove. My aunt told her that arthritis prevented her from doing so. "Aren't you lucky," exclaimed the woman. "I have to do all the driving now because my husband is almost completely blind." --David J. Barrett (from Life's Like That, 1996)
At a crowded hotel restaurant, my parents and I gave our order to the waitress. A short time later, she returned. "I'm sorry," she told Mom, "but we're out of french toast." Mom thought for a moment before asking if she could have eggs, toast and a glass of milk. The waitress nodded, and as she turned to leave, Mom added, "But just before you bring it to me, beat the eggs and milk together, dip the bread in it and fry it on the griddle for two minutes on each side." --Dana A. Pitts (from Life's Like That, 1996)
At the age of three months, our daughter was toted along to our symphony-orchestra rehearsals and would be put to bed in one of the practice rooms. She became such a familiar sight that sometimes a player would forget her presence. One night as a violinist started off to tune up in the practice room, the conductor called out: "Oh, not in that one. That's the baby's room!" --Cristi Reilly (from Life's Like That, 1996)
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Friends called me from Winnipeg to say they'd bought a new van and were driving out to the hamlet where I live to show it to me. When they arrived, they suggested we go for a spin. "Great!" I said. "I have to go to the store." However, when we got there, I couldn't remember what I needed. We wandered around, hoping something would jog my memory. And then it did--I needed gas for my car. --Charles D. Griggs (from Life's Like That, 1996)
In the summer I worked as a carhop for a family restaurant. I usually finished at 2:00 a.m. and my parents expected me home immediately after. But one night friends of mine picked me up and we went to a party. I lost track of time until, to my dismay, I saw it was 5:45 a.m. I rushed home, and as I tiptoed to my bedroom, I heard my mother call out, "What are you doing up so early?" "Couldn't sleep. Thought I'd go for a run." I went for a run, stayed up all day, went to work all night and finally got home. "Carole," I read on a note my mom had left for me on my bedroom door, "next time remember to mess the blankets on your bed." --Carole Lapierre (from Life's Like That, 1996)
Nine-year-old Kimberley and Michael, her dad, were comfortably seated in the restaurant she had chosen to celebrate Father's Day. After they had had a chance to select from the menus they had been given, the waiter asked Michael what they would like. Indignantly Kimberley told the waiter that she was taking her father out and she was the patron he should speak to. Contritely the waiter addressed Kimberley from then on. When they were finished, Kimberley asked the waiter for the check. Upon his return, he solemnly presented it to her. "Thank you," she said--and handed it to her dad. --Bruce Hayes (from Life's Like That, 1996)
In the middle of doing a load of laundry, my friend's mother discovered there was no heat in her dryer. Because the machine was over 20 years old, she decided to buy a new one. The first time she used the new dryer, the same problem occurred. Frustrated, she asked her husband to investigate. He eventually reported that the trouble was a burned-out fuse. It would only cost a few dollars to replace. "A few dollars!" she exclaimed. "That fuse has already cost us $600." --Brenda Robson (from Life's Like That, 1996)
My husband's aunt, now in her 70s, is a voracious reader and always up to date on current events. But we were surprised when she gave Mike a magazine one day saying, "You might be interested in this because I know you just bought a computer." The magazine, Windows, was still in its plastic wrapper with her name clearly printed on the address label. Despite her wide range of interests, this didn't seem to be her kind of magazine. Mike asked why she had subscribed to it. "I thought it might give me some ideas for making curtains," she laughed. --Bobbie Archer (from Life's Like That, 1996) 181
While canning pears one day, I asked my teenage son, Jamie, to help me screw the lids tightly on the jars. I watched his left-handed struggle to tighten the right-handed threads and observed that I hadn't realized how awkward this task was for lefties. "Does it bother you when things are made for a right-handed world?" I asked him. "Not really," Jamie replied. "But give me a call if you ever have trouble opening one of these things." --Bill Macey (from Life's Like That, 1996)
I was standing in the buffet line for dinner at a convention when a friend of mine nearby looked over at me and said, "You look really great this evening." At the same time, she saw me struggling to pick up some salad with just one serving spoon, so she added, "Use two." "Well, thank you very much," smiled the lady behind me. --Barbara Bain (from Life's Like That, 1996)
Three months after the birth of my first child, I finally managed to get to the grocery store alone. As I stood in the check-out line with my full cart, someone tapped me on the shoulder and asked, "How old is your baby?" I turned around and was surprised to see an unfamiliar face. "How do you know I have a baby?" I asked. "Because," she replied with a smile, "You're rocking your groceries and humming 'Hush Little Baby.'" --Barb Langlois (from Life's Like That, 1996)
On top of the stress of moving into our new home, the basem*nt flooded the day we moved in. When a serviceman arrived to clean the mess up, he asked me for the use of a garden hose. I rummaged through box after box until I found one. I then left with my four young children for an appointment. That evening I related the tale to my husband, who pointed out that what I had unpacked and given to the serviceman was a soaker hose. --A. J. Barkman (from Life's Like That, 1996)
My mother-in-law's flight from Toronto was due in Florida a few hours after my husband and I had arrived there from Montreal. While waiting for her, we chatted with a lady who was waiting for her son's plane to arrive. When my mother-in-law finally came through the gate, she flew straight into the arms of the woman we'd been talking to--her neighbour at home. --Anne Budzyn (from Life's Like That, 1996) I had visited my hairdresser earlier in the day to have my old grey locks suitably styled for the supper at church that evening. When we arrived, my friend Joan and I found seats, and Joan noticed a familiar face 182
across the table from us. "Ethel," she said, "you remember Ann Lancaster, don't you? Belonged to the W.A. in the old days." Ethel regarded me intently for a moment before replying. "I don't think so," she said finally. "The Ann Lancaster I knew had black hair." --Ann Lancaster (from Life's Like That, 1996)
Our son Tony had a truck in constant need of repair. When he mentioned to his girlfriend, Bette, that he was about to get a new muffler, she told him that if he kept pouring money into the truck, they'd never be able to afford to get married. Tony explained that he was trying to get the truck in good shape so he could sell it to raise the money they needed for the wedding. "I'll buy it!" cried Bette. --Andy Dean (from Life's Like That, 1996)
On the evening Kathy and I were celebrating our friend Jeannine's 40th birthday, she complained she was feeling "over the hill" and "unattractive." Later, on the way home, a car with three handsome young men pulled alongside, smiling and waving at us. Jeannine perked up. "Well, girls, do you think we've still got it?" "Not likely," Kathy answered. "That's my son and his friends." --Adele Arevalo (from Life's Like That, 1996)
After many conversations about using moderation in his pursuit of the under-100 fantasy, my husband left for his first golf game of the season. At 10:00 p.m. the phone rang. "Hi, honey, I'm calling from the pay phone across from the hospital. I'll be home by 11." "Pay phone? Hospital! What's going on, Gordie?" "Well, just as I was teeing off at the fifth hole, my driver broke and the base slashed the back of my head in my follow-through. But don't worry, that golf towel you and the kids gave me saved the day." "If that happened on the fifth hole, why are you so late in calling...and how did a towel save the day?" "Well, I stuffed the towel in the back of my cap, and the pressure stopped the bleeding." "Until you got to the hospital?" "No. So I could finish the 18 holes." --Pam MacArthur (from Life's Like That, 1993) 183
From the doctor's clinic, my son, Dean, called to say the lens-implant surgery in his sightless eye had failed, but it was to be redone. The next day he called to say the second surgery had been successful. Months later I learned from my cousin that Dean's doctor always asked his patients, prior to surgery, if they would like him to pray with them. Curious, I asked Dean if the doctor had asked him if he wanted to pray. "Yes," was all he offered. "Well?" I prodded. "Did you say yes?" Silence. I waited, nodding expectantly. Slowly a sheepish grin spread across Dean's face. "The first time, no; the second time, yes." --Margaret Loraas (from Life's Like That, 1993)
Being newlyweds, my husband, Doug, and I had received many secondhand items from my parents. I hadn't realized how many until we were at my parents' house for my mother's birthday. As Mom was about to unwrap her present from my father, Doug leaned over and said, "I don't know what it is, but whatever it is, can we have your old one?" --Sue Homeniuk (from Life's Like That, 1995)
Our minister moved into a house in Edmonton in the middle of winter with the previous owner's assurance that his car would always start because there was a natural-gas heater in the garage. On his first morning there, the temperature with windchill dipped to -73 degrees C, and when the minister carefully started the heater, there followed a mighty explosion. He staggered into the house, with eyebrows and hair singed and his clothes covered in soot. "Did you get it lit?" his wife asked. --Ray S. Crawford (from Life's Like That, 1996)
My friend Barb had borrowed an outfit from her sister, Nancy, for a special occasion. Nancy had dropped off not just the dress but also matching accessories. The clip-on earrings were uncomfortable, but matched the dress and shoes so perfectly that barb endured the discomfort. When they met at the church, Nancy glanced at the dress and whispered, "The dress looks nice." She looked down at the shoes and said, "But why didn't you wear the shoe clips..." she paused as she looked up, "...that you have on your ears?" --Lana Gilkinson (from Life's Like That, 1995)
Our family decided to enjoy the beauty of the Kananaskis region in Alberta on cross-country skis. We split up as our son and daughter went off to rent skis, and my husband, Bill, and I put on some warmer clothes. When we finally rejoined the kids, our fashion-conscious daughter eyed her approaching father warily. Bill was a cacophony of colours, topped off with a huge, outdated toque and sunglasses he had bought ten years 184
earlier. "Now I know why it took you so long," my daughter said. "Dad had to go back to the '70s to get his outfit." --Wynne Edwards (from Life's Like That, 1996)
My friend and I decided to take my four and her three preschool-age boys to the zoo. The day we chose turned out to be the same day several schools arrived for class trips. Throughout the day Penny and I were kept on our toes tracking our own seven boys as they raced from one exhibit to another. Nerves frayed to the limit, Penny was finally counting children before we left. An attendant came rushing over. "Have you lost a child, Ma'am?" she asked with concern. "No" was Penny's weary response. "Just making sure I didn't gain one." --Lynda Leddicote-Harris (from Life's Like That, 1995)
As a recent immigrant, my father-in-law took English-as-a-second-language courses. A few months after he began, he caught a cold. I got him some medication, and he, as was his habit with every item that had writing on it, read the label. That evening my cousin's toddlers arrived at our house, and, unlike his usual self, Dad kept saying to them: "Keep away. I just had my medication." Later I asked him why he had told the children to stay away from him. He explained that the medication label had cautioned, "Keep away from children." --Harjeet Hunjan (from Life's Like That, 1996)
Although I had kept my weight gain to the minimum recommended by my doctor, one day during my eighth month of pregnancy, I felt particularly large and unattractive. My husband lovingly reassured me that he thought I was more beautiful and attractive than ever. "Do you really mean that?" I questioned. "How can you say that now that I have a basketball belly?" "Easy," he replied with a grin. "It's my basketball." --Fay Beaman Laing (from Life's Like That, 1995)
Even the young children are invited to participate in Communion at the Uniting Church in Australia. However, my cousin's three-year-old son now has to wait awhile before he takes part in that sacrament again. In the moment of stillness after all the children had been given their small glasses of communion "wine," William, with a brilliant smile and in a ringing voice, raised his glass to the minister and bellowed, "Cheers!" --Dianne Keillor (from Life's Like That, 1996)
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